It’s 10 PM.

I mean, that part is OK. I got the little guy down at about 8:30 after an extra warm baba and some baby tylenol because as I discovered this morning- he has TWO top teeth making their way into his mouth.

Bliss! I was on the couch with my husband watching South Park & having a generally awesome time.

930? THE PHONE RINGS! Cannot find it. and luckily ringer is on low. I checked on Hudson & he was still asleep. Stoked.

Then Scott says: Check the front window- maybe it’s the rentacop.

(there is a back story- don’t worry I’ll get to it.)

I look outside and she is indeed parked. I told Scott to go deal with it & he went to put his shoes on. Not 5 seconds later the bitch is ON MY DOORSTEP BANGING ON THE DOOR!

Cue totally insane minpins barking, 29 week pregnant chick swearing, husband clammoring to get out of his pjs and BABY WAKING THE FUCK UP!

I opened the door in a pretty full on rage. And I don’t usually unload on people. But, this woman is standing on my doorstep in her rentacop uniform at 930 and says “ARE YOU OK!?” I said “Ummm no! Because you just woke up my fucking baby!! What is WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!”

to which is replied “your husband needs to put the magnets back on his van or I will have to right a ticket” (Not a real one, mind you- one that means absolutely NOTHING and is just an obnoxious reminder from my HOA that they are stupid and I pay way too much every month to deal with their shit.)

to which I replied “do whatever the fuck you have to do lady!” and slammed the door in her stupid face.

As I went to console my kid- Scott went outside to deal with the situation. rentacop sat there and babysat Scott whilst he put magnets on his van to cover our company logo. She then was worried about OUR REGISTRATION TAGS (See previous post) and ‘needed to ticket us’.

She then muttered something along the line of “tell your wife I am sorry” and handed him a BLANK ticket from my HOA. Scott said that she was “clearly shook up” because apparently I still bring the fear. I like that part at least. I know it’s there when I need it.

So, now the back story. I’m not even sure how comfortable I feel sharing this with the nets- but I need to include the dollar amount so you see how epicly stupid this is.

We own our “house” it is a condo in a very beautiful complex that we love. We put offers on MULTIPLE homes in this complex because we wanted to live here. We also live in a retardedly expensive area and paid retardedly to own this place. That being said- our effing HOA dues are $500 A MONTH. A MONTH. On top of alllll the other fun stuff like the mortgage and insurance and all the regular bills that people have. FIVE. HUNNNDREDDDDD.

When we moved in here, we read the CC&R rules and it stated no commercial vehicles can be parked within the complex. Luckily for us our company van is not registered commercially- but to US. So, by law it is not a commercial vehicle.

The HOA disagrees and for the last THREE YEARS it has been an epic battle of wills regarding the fact that my husband & I would like to park our personally owned van with a logo in front of our house. We settled on a compromise last year, in which we had to PURCHASE plain white magnets to cover our logos at night. We do this. No problem. EXCEPT WHEN IT RAINS. You know, because a magnet sitting on wet steel for 12 hours RUSTS STEEL. And we are not about to ruin the value of something we paid for with our own money.

In the past we have received these little tickets on the window of the van during the rain (which is SUCH COMPLETE SHIT, BTW) and they are really, nothing more than an annoyance. It makes us mad, but there is no consequence behind it.

Enter this new rent-a-cop we got as “security patrol” probably 6 months ago. HOMEGIRL IS INSANE.

If Scott’s van is not covered she calls our HOUSE. (our office number is on the side of the van) And not at 6, when she starts working- after it is polite to call even your friends! And tonight- she took that a step further and KNOCKED ON THE FREAKING DOOR.

I am just stewing right now, so I apologize for the straight up rant- but I cannot call the HOA till the morning to tell them that they need to explain this lady’s job description to her. If her job is to write a fucking “ticket” THEN JUST WRITE IT! It doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING. She has NO BUSINESS knocking on people’s doors at 930 PM! She needs to just sit back like a good rent-a-cop and wait for something to happen. I’m pretty sure we are paying her salary and her attitude is not appreciated. I think her main purpose would be to deflect crime by her presence. Not to harass the people that live here and pay way to fucking much to be dealing with such crap.

THE END.

(and I swear this is NOT pregnancy hormones- although- I did have TWO caffeinated sodas in the last hour. That may be part of it.)