A week.
It’s been a exactly a week since my little family of three became a family of five. I’ve been meaning to blog but holy crap! Even now at 11pm, I’m typing with one hand and feeding little Truman as well.
I actually don’t have some elaborate birth story to share, at least now. All I really know at the moment is that even with a spinal- I felt about 50 pounds lift off my chest when they were born. I actually said to the husband ‘I feel lighter.’ Nothing about this pregnancy was easy for me. Even surgery, although pretty darn near perfect- was different. Twins, as some of you know, is an entirely different animal.
And, about 20 minutes after they were born they were both whisked away to the NICU- Sawyer for a rapid heartbeat and my little Truman who had a good deal of fluid in his lungs. She was released withinan hour or so, while little man stayed for 2days looking like this:
Not something any mama wants to see. But,he wasn’t seriously ill. They just wanted to be sure and I appreciate all the hard work the doctors and nurses put in to make sure. We stayed 3 nights instead of two so I could stay with Truman until he could come home.
Anyways, we came home Saturday around noon & THANK GOD for my Mom, who is staying for 10 days. I am quickly learning that I am totally effed once she leaves as I have more babies then I have hands. I can carry two at a time but cannot do anything once I have two in my arms. I am formulating my plan of attack for Monday- as that will be my first day ALONE with all three. I have to be honest guys: I. AM. TERRIFIED.
Besides realizing that I am in over my head come Monday when all three are demanding to be fed at once, I was also confronted with the startling realization that breastfeeding twins is HARD WORK. Since babies eat every 2-3hours, I am basically in this 24 hours a day. Right now it takes about 45minutes to feed one.That’s 1.5 hours of feeding.Then I have a 1/2 hour before starting over. Oh yeah, and Truman is cluster feeding today. Rad! I cannot feed them together because I need a hand free for when my precious little monster Hudson decides climbing into the fireplace is appropriate. This has led me to do something I wasn’t planning on- giving them a bottle or two of formula when BF-ing isn’t possible. As lame as it may sound to some, I am really feeling horrible about it. Not because formula is bad by any means- just because it wasn’t my PLAN and I feel like my kids should all be afforded the same treatment- and Hudson was exclusively BFed until 7 months.
Finally,I have been an absolute WRECK over Hudson. When I left him to head to the hospital exactly a week ago, he was tiny and fragile and my only baby. Upon returning home I cannot even give him a bottle without crying. My little baby boy barely fits in my lap. It’s soul crushing, really. He was my little boy and then I came home with two babies. And their smallness has completely made me look at Hudson as this KID. I feel like he will miss out on something because I don’t see him as a baby anymore.
This and the fact that I am recovering from a surgery, added to the fact that all postpartum chicks get a bit loopy- I have been feeling very isolated. I haven’t been feeling “blues” so much as I want to just be alone where I can concentrate on my tasks at hand. I have been basically ignoring calls and although Ihave had a few visitors- I feel very alienated when anyone is here. I dunno how to explain it. When Hudson was born I was stoked to show him off and have people over and show off how well I was healing. This time I just want to be alone. I hope that isn’t a bad sign… I just think I really need some time to let this all sink in. The reality is: I have three kids and they are all still at an age when they all completely rely on me. I’m not getting the sleep I should. I’m pretty flustered at this point. I am hoping to get over it quickly. Hopefully my friends understand why I haven’t agreed to see anyone and my family understands that I have the right to say no to visitors when I am feeling down.
I guess the good news is that I am officially down 30 of the 50 pounds I gained. Trying my best to stay positive.
Themocracy
oh lady. so many hugs. like i told you yesterday, i’d be there in a heartbeat if i could.
i can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. whilst i have no experience with twins or 3 kids at a time, it’s my friendly duty to tell you to take all help offered and try not to feel guilty. you cannot and should not be expected to do this without help. and i know it doesn’t help a bit, but don’t worry about the formula. like you said, twins are a different kind of animal – and must be treated as such. you can’t be expected to breastfeed two hungry munchkins and take care of your (still) baby boy. :]
i’m sure kirsten will stop by to offer advice, but if not you should email her! she can probably offer so many time savers and tips and tricks to twins. every little bit helps! and remember, even though we can’t physically be there, we are all thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.
love you mama.
I always ignore phone calls when life gets crazy. The people who get angry can stay angry for all I care. You need your time to get things straight! Kudos to you for wanting to breastfeed both- I know you know this but please don’t feel guilty about giving a formula bottle or three. Good luck!!
I wish I could help!!! I can’t imagine how overworked you must feel on top of all the crazy post-pregnancy hormones. Hang in there, mama!
The fact that you’ve made it this far makes you my idol. You’re amazing and those kids are lucky to have you! And get your mother to buy you some wine before she leaves because you totally deserve a drink!
oh mama!
that sounds way stressful. i’m sure you’re doing as best you can, and that’s what’s important. your babies obviously love you, and they’re so lucky to have you!
xo
when ella was born i ignored calls too. i didn’t want visitors…she was great…i just felt like i didn’t have my shit together….and i didn’t want anyone to see that.
you need to line up some help. even though you are feeling like you want no one around…the fact of the matter is…you have twins babies and hudson…he is a toddler…not a kid…kids are more self sufficient. lol. if you get in over your head…that is going to be even harder for you. you want to do whats best for them…and YOU TOO!
do the bottles…and formula. i had such a hard time with ella…it killed me inside when i dried up after such hard work. but she is awesome…and your babies will be awesome too. you BFed H exclusively…but it was just him…twins are hard to exclusively BF i have heard…more often women have great luck with it when they have just twins…you have to have that hand free like you said.
i wish i could come out to help you…so VERY VERY badly. but know we all love you and are hear to support you and listen!
::hugs::
::squeezes to all 3 of your babies::
We are planning a trip there in a few weeks and I HOPE and hope you will let me come over and help. And Hud and MJ can play with each other. I can change diapers, feed baybays, or hold them while you’ve taken that thing you’ve probably forgotten about by now… A shower!!!
Hopefully in a few weeks I will have the hang of this thing! Then I will welcome help and visitors!
Oh Emmie, I wish I could come help!
It’s tough, I know. And really I don’t know, because I only had to deal with the two itty bitties, I didn’t have a “big kid” on my hands at the same time! If you need any ideas or have questions, please ask, I am happy to share how I survived “the early days” as I now fondly refer to them. We had a pretty hardcore routine going with M&L that helped us stay somewhat sane.
I get how you feel postpartum though…I too felt strange. Not what I would call PPD, but not feeling like socializing with visitors or helpers. I think it’s because with two babies, your mind is always split-focused, it’s not like with one baby where you can hold them in your arms, and know that they are safe and sound, and you can focus only on THEM. So adding other grown-ups to the mix, even friends, splits your focus even more and you just can’t (or at least I just can’t!) do that many things at once.
As far as breast feeding goes, props to you! I pumped and bottle fed, which in itself was hard but I think not as hard as actual BFing because like you said, they are ssssllllooooowwww eaters! I get the guilt thing…in a different way, I guess, because I imagine that if I had only one baby my first time around, I would have breastfed (or at least tried…I really didn’t make a huge effort to try with M&L and I feel super guilty about that). And I think that in the future when we have #3, I will try. I just decided that with Mary and Lila, I had to make a choice about how I would spend my time and split it between them, and because Lila couldn’t breastfeed (reflux and a gavage tube) I sort of made that same choice for Mary to “keep it even.”
I’m glad your mom is there to help until Monday. I hope you’re finding some time to get rest and heal from your c-section, that’s a pretty major surgery!
Truman and Sawyer are gorgeous and they look so sweet and peaceful in the picture. There’s just something so special about twins snuggling up in a crib, especially when you consider that they’ve been snuggling up together inside your belly up until just 7 days ago!
You sound so overworked and overwhelmed so I am sending many good thoughts your way! If anyone is there to offer help…take it without feeling guilty at all…and if not…maybe you can consider a postpartum doula? She is there as a shoulder to cry on if you need it and will help with anything. Feeding, diapers, dishes, laundry…you name it! Plus, you don’t have to worry about entertaining or talking to her if you don’t want to because there is no history there like with friends and family.
Hang in there!
obviously i have no idea what you’re going through, but i think the fact that you’re so concerned about doing things well and giving every kid a good start shows what an awesome mother you are. you’re totally resourceful and when shit needs to get done, you always seem to find a way to do it. no doubt you’re in a rough place right now, but i’m cheering for you cuz i know you’ll find a way to make it work. you have such a large group of friends and family that will help you with anything, so when you’re ready for us we’re right here for you.
I also wish I could help you (just like the 10 other people who commented before me)! It must be a very difficult transition, but you will get the hang of it soon. In the meantime, accept any help that comes your way and don’t be shy about telling people how you feel. I felt the same way when Bresho was born. I didn’t want to see anyone for weeks. I definitely had the blues and felt really overwhelmed and isolated. Things got better with time and I know they will for you as well. You are such a strong person and I really admire you! You have a great family and three happy and healthy babies (well, two little babies and one big baby
). I am also here for you and you can email me (or call me) whenever you want. I like to listen.
Love to the 5 of you!!! xxxox
Oh mama, I’m sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed!
I couldn’t imagine bringing twins home to a home w/ my son. My daughter was hard enough. Totally understand how you feel about looking at Hudson like a kid, and not so much a baby anymore.
Hopefully, once you get a more solid routine that includes more sleep, you will bounce right out of the feelings you are having.
I applaud you!
*hugs*
Holy crap, that’s a lot of stuff you’ve got going on! No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you need to focus.
I think as long as you don’t let yourself get blue, and you recognize that wanting this alone time is ok, as long as it doesn’t become something more. Don’t be afraid to ask people for help though (this is the pot calling the kettle black by the way
.
PS – they are SOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!