Embrace your gender role. There I said it. Feel free not to go any further than that if you think I’m wrong.
My husband & I aren’t perfect. Sometimes, we bicker. Yes, for about 2 weeks after the birth of the twins we had a bit of trouble adjusting. But to be completely honest, our last FIGHT was at least three years ago. I threw taco bell at him & went to smoke pot with my friends. And I think it was the only real fight we’ve had in our 5 year marriage.
When Scott & I first met, We fought all. the. time. Maybe that’s being a teenager? Maybe it was because he was older and was able to do so much more than I was allowed to do, and that bred jealousy. I was EXTREMELY jealous. When we moved in together, although very much in love at 18 & 21- we fought all the time. In front of people. Like knock-down, drag out screaming matches. In front of our friends & family. We were pretty volatile for a while. I remember once my cousin (who is now 16) literally asked me why I was always screaming at Scott. He was probably 6 at the time. I was pretty mortified.
And I should have been.
When Scott & I got married in 2005, I think it was the first time that I was ever fully embracing the “girlfriend” role. Sure, before marriage I was cute & sexy & all that- but once we got married I realized that gender roles are there for a reason. *DON’T SHOOT!* I had quit my job to stay at home and be a housewife. I cleaned our apartment & had dinner ready when he got home. I had no excuse not to do whatever he wanted at night because I had been home all day & thanks to Tivo had seen all my shows and had time to do what I wanted. And things suddenly changed.
You know when you first date someone & you put on your best face. You highlight your positives & downplay your negatives, right? You speak softer. You are more understanding. You look your best. And guess what? It gets the guy EVERY TIME. But once you’ve got that dude on the hook- you start acting like a big giant bitch.
What I’m saying is: Be your husband’s girlfriend. Look, I can’t be 100% all the time because I’ve got three kids- but I try. Even if I can’t take a shower before my husband gets home, as soon as he gets home & has a chance to unwind & get settled, I try to look presentable- even if it is just for a few hours. I wear things I know he like and keep my hair how he likes it. I try to make dinner every week night for my family. And when I cook at home I try not to make too many “packaged” items. I make things from scratch whenever possible. Basically- I try to put my best foot forward. He never ASKS for any of this. But, I think he definitely notices.
Sure, sometime I get upset with my husband. Sometimes I want to tell everyone about something he’s done wrong. And sometimes I do. But most of the time I try my best to also put Scott’s best foot forward. I don’t speak badly of him if I can help it. Because to be honest, when I have said something bad about him- I regret it. I regret letting anyone think he is less than amazing. Because amazing doesn’t even begin to explain Scott 98% of the time. Why bother with that 2%?
Embracing my gender role has done so much for my relationship. My husband is 47 million percent more affectionate. He has pretty much all but stopped playing video games (without me asking!) and instead will find things on tv we both like. He will help me out with errands when he can. He tells me how great I am. He is the perfect husband & dotting father. He is my best friend.
And yes, you can have those things in a marriage & still fight. But why? The only time I swear at my husband or call him names is when we are joking. The sentences usually end with a laugh and a hug. Not door slams or dial tones. No screaming. And all it took to make our relationship wonderful was a little teeny tiny bit of effort. And soon, it wasn’t effort.
I was no longer ACTING like the best possible version of myself, I WAS the best possible version of myself. It became second nature. And in return for a homemade dinner, a clean house and a wife who faces towards him at night? You receive the best possible version of your husband. And a blissful marriage.
April 27th, 2010 - 2:56 PM
Cute! We weren’t exactly good to each other in the beginning either. But you grown and learn
I have mmy own theory of how to have a happy marriage, but maybe I’ll save that for my own post
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April 27th, 2010 - 2:58 PM
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April 27th, 2010 - 3:00 PM
Whoops, 1 handed typing….should say GROW not grown;)
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April 27th, 2010 - 3:40 PM
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by katherineklegin, Emmie Bee. Emmie Bee said: Blog:: The secret to a happy marriage. http://www.emmiebee.com/2010/04/27/the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage/ [...]
April 27th, 2010 - 3:54 PM
This is awesome! My mom taught me to always at least TRY to look good the husband comes home. At least try to have on a different pair of pj’s and your teeth brushed (obviously that’s like the very very least). But I’ll be honest reading this made me feel really bad because I’m not doing any of this. It’s when I’ve totally stopped trying or giving a shit that he realizes that there’s something wrong. Usually it happens so slowly *I* don’t realize it. Almost every time when I go to my doctor and talk about it becomes very clear that my depression cycle has started.
And wow, that was me oversharing in a comment.
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April 27th, 2010 - 4:01 PM
Alena- I’m so sorry to hear you are battling with depression. Your situation is different & trying is what is important, imo.
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April 27th, 2010 - 4:06 PM
Em, I love you but my inner feminist just cringed a little. I totally know what you’re trying to say and I think you’re fundamentally right but there’s got to be a better way to say it. How about “be the partner you’d like to be married to” or even “embrace the roll you’ve agreed to fill in your relationship”. It’s not necessarily about gender (what roll would you like each member of a lesbian couple to play? or a stay at home dad?) but about being kind and helpful and unselfish. For you – and for me too – that means being a good wife in a really traditional way. Which, after your post, I’m going to try much harder to do.
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April 27th, 2010 - 5:21 PM
lol. Yes, Suzanne. I totally get that. I hope you don’t think lesser of me. I meant MY role in MY family is fulfilled in a very traditional way. And being a good girlfriend/wife/husband doesn’t HAVE to be about gender, just the role that you are filling. So do your job & make sure you are the best partner you can be!!
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April 27th, 2010 - 5:29 PM
Loved this post. I agree with you 100%. Thank you so much for being so brave and posting this.
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April 27th, 2010 - 7:45 PM
Ooo, risky topic!! But I love it. I love that that is what works for your relationship. I wish mine could be more that way, and I wish I would act more like my husband’s girlfriend than his roommate who he shares his bed with.
Well said!
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April 27th, 2010 - 8:22 PM
Wow. Best way I could have ever thought of to say this. I have found since discussing the topics of the traditional gender roles and how they play a part in marriage significantly with our pastor in pre-marital counseling, by just implementing them a little at a time, showing him I respect and care for him has made such a difference and in return he shows me in a way that I understand how much he loves me.
3 amazing reads: 5 love languages, For Women Only (also For Men Only– great to read as a couple) & Love and Respect. I personally enjoy For Men and Women only as they cover a super broad range of topics, this being one of the many, in a easier fast way to understand.
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April 27th, 2010 - 10:48 PM
Great post, Em. This something I struggle with and appreciate you putting some light on the subject.
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April 28th, 2010 - 7:12 AM
I really need to start doing this. My hubby expects it from me because that is the way he was raised. His mother did everything for his dad and the kids but she also stayed home. Where I was not brought up this way because my mom was a single mom and I wasn’t raised to cater to the man I was raised to do things for yourself. I argue with hubby a lot because I work full time and am the main care taker of our son. I feel like hubbs does not as much. I recently started trying to take care of myself again to start feeling like a lady instead of a mess (which started happening after baby). I agree with this post but I also feel that hubbs needs to take a little more responsibility around the house or make more $$$ so I can stay home and be a real housewife. I would have no problem staying home and cleaning, cooking and taking care of the baby but while working I feel its a little too much for me to handle.
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April 28th, 2010 - 8:05 AM
I agree with you so 100% that it is not funny.
Men & women were created differently. Whether by God or a mistake in colliding molecules, we were created differently. & personally, I love to embrace the differences.
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April 28th, 2010 - 8:22 AM
Kacie- I agree with you. I am lucky that I can stay at home, which puts me in the position to take care of everything in the house. And you know what? My husband STILL helps. I understand in some families thats not the arrangement- and the wife makes the money or the husband stays home, or whatever the arrangement may be. But, at least in my opinion, the man wants to FEEL like a man. And when you make your husband/boyfriend FEEL like a man, they tend to act like one.
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April 28th, 2010 - 9:10 AM
This actually made me feel a little guilty, but in a good way. Even though we both work outside the home, there are still roles in our marriage that we (I) am not fulfilling. I need to step it up…and I blame pure, old fashioned, laziness. Mostly. He does his part + some of mine and it just shouldn’t be like that after we both work long hard days. IF we both did our part, our marriage would be much more enjoyable these days. (More being the keyword.) Gosh, I love that man.
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April 28th, 2010 - 9:38 AM
AMAZING post!!! I totally hear you on like all of this. I feel bad when I say something negative about Matt, so for the most part I don’t…he is amazing 98% of the time too, sure he has his moments but why complain? Everyone is entitled to being a douche canoe every once in a while
It’s important to continue dating your husband even after your married. I agree with you! Look good, and don’t be a mega bitch. Why would you WANT to be that kind of person anyway? When we’re dating, we act a certain way because we know that not so great qualities aren’t really winning, so why display them? I try my hardest not too.
I know, I still have moments too though hehe.
LOVE this post Emmie!
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April 28th, 2010 - 9:43 PM
ughhhhh. this was very uncomfortable for me to read. i think i sort of understand what you were trying to get at but i don’t think you conveyed it very well. i mostly just got “stay home, clean, be a housewife, dress how a guy wants you to dress and men will like you/be nice to you.” i understand that you were trying to explain what works for you and your family, but you need to be SO careful with language!!!
for example, you said this: “I wear things I know he like and keep my hair how he likes it.” UMMM WHATTTTT? i think what you really meant to say is that it’s important to show your partner that you are making an effort, right? but please be careful how you phrase things like this. saying this to a young girl might give them the impression that you should dress or act how others (in this case your partner/potential partner) want you to act. personally i will tell my daughter to do what she loves and then find a partner who loves her for it. hell, your partner should love you and find you attractive no matter what your hair looks like! they should NOT treat you better or worse because of it! again, i know you were trying to say that it’s important to let your partner know that you care and are trying to make an effort, especially when things get hectic with life, kids, blah blah. but wow…the way you phrased things totally took away from WHAT you were trying to say.
there are SO many more things i found wrong with this post but i don’t really have the time and you probably don’t really care. but PLEASE! for the sake of young women out there (think of your daughter!!!), be careful with how you say things!
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April 28th, 2010 - 11:37 PM
Krista: I appreciate your input, I really do! Feel free to shoot me an email if anything I write ever concerns you. I think half of people reading this missed what I was trying to say & jumped straight to the wrong conclusion.
If you read my blog more I’m sure you’d see what I meant. Thanks for stopping by & please don’t hesitate to leave a real email address next time!
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April 29th, 2010 - 10:41 AM
Nice post! And I get it!! I know where you’re coming from. Your post gave me an attitude adjustment. Things are normally good, but when they’re not I fall back into the “it’s all about me” mode. It can be hard to get back out of it if you’re not stepping back and looking at the big picture. Thanks for the reminder. I’m sure my hubby will thank you too!! ha!
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April 29th, 2010 - 2:27 PM
i see what you’re getting at but agree with krista 100% on really watching the way things are worded. i’m happy that you’ve found a routine that works for you and your husband and have made your life together happier.
and if your kid ever wants a feminist perspective you know exactly who to send her to
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April 29th, 2010 - 2:29 PM
Caro- Thanks! I will! And I saw your dress in person yesterday at Target. When will I get to see you IN IT!? <3
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April 29th, 2010 - 3:27 PM
[...] that make me think about how I’m acting within my relationship and think of ways that I can improve myself [...]
April 29th, 2010 - 4:14 PM
I think for the people that actually know you know that you meant no harm with this. I totally know what you were trying to say. Maybe cause I know you in real life? I know that you are a complete INDIVIDUAL in real life one that does what the eff she wants to, in regards to the way you live your life. You don’t dress with whats trendy cause its trendy , you don’t listen to music because its what the radio tells you to. You do what makes you happy. And it just so happens that your husband likes you for who you are and the choices you make, the way you dress, etc. and, making sure you have a clean home, and home cooked meals makes your entire family happy. I don’t see what’s wrong with doing things your husband liked. It’s not like he says “woman bake me pies and put a braid in your hair”. And then you scurry off to do it. I’m pretty sure if Scott said something like that to you it wouldn’t fly. A marriage isn’t just about your self. It’s a team effort and it’s about what works for your team. Scott and you have obviously found something that works for both of you, or 13years going strong wouldn’t be your reality. <3
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April 30th, 2010 - 11:37 AM
This kind of made me want to stick my finger down my throat. I don’t believe in gender roles and I don’t believe that they will make a relationship any better. My relationship with my boyfriend is in no way perfect, but we are who we are and neither of us would expect the other to change. I wouldn’t expect him to stop playing video games and he wouldn’t expect me to quit my job and become a housewife.
We are living in very different times than, say, fifty years ago, and I don’t think that changing who you are just to fit some preconceived role is in any way the key to a happy relationship. Maybe this works for you, but it definitely doesn’t and wouldn’t work for me.
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June 8th, 2010 - 11:34 AM
[...] Two things here: That is INCREDIBLE. I love hearing that – because I have said that before regarding other topics. And also? it proves that with a bit of work motherhood can be what you want it to be. That [...]