I’m 27 years old. I have 3 children. I have a loving husband & a beautiful (small, yes, but beautiful) home.
When I was 20 years old, things were different.
Do you ever look back on something and think… What if? What if I had done this or done that? What if I had become a mother before I could legally drink a beer?
It’s something I think about often.
When I was 20 years old, Scott & I “took a break.” I moved into an apartment with my cousin & (now) sister-in-law. Scott & I never really stopped dating. In fact- we continued to hang out every day while I was supposed to be finding out who I was & where we were going.
If you have followed this blog for any length, you know that pregnancy & I do not agree. I get what’s called hyperemesis & throw up so much I start losing weight on the rapido. So- anyhow-I was at work and had been feeling like shit for days. I was telling my boss Tara, who was a great friend as well, what I had been feeling. And in her 30 year old wisdom looked at me & said “you’re pregnant.” It was the first time it dawned on me, & I immediately knew. Holy shit. I was pregnant. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
I immediately ran to Safeway for a test & within 5 minutes I was blubbering on the phone to my mom. “Mom! What the HELL am I going to do!?!” I called Scott & told him what was up & really- I don’t even remember his reaction. I was totally terrified & 20 and basically- I wasn’t even mature enough to ask for or care about his opinion, I don’t think. I made an appointment with a doctor & went for an ultrasound that night. Scott went with me & I don’t know about him but I definitely HAD to look at the ultrasound. I saw the heartbeat & all that stuff. I was kind of in awe, but at the time sooo far removed from the idea of HAVING a baby that it wasn’t very real, even in that moment that most first time parents cherish.
But, I didn’t cherish it. My first thought is: I’m a month from my twenty-first birthday & I won’t even get to have a drink. THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE. I suppose that right there means I had at least a flicker of intellect. I clearly wasn’t ready to put anyone else before myself. Some people are more mature at 20. I thought I was- and maybe I was at least mature enough to know I’d have given that child less than 100% of myself when it deserved 200%. That Scott & I weren’t stable in our relationship or with our money at that time to take care of someone else.
There are probably a few of you who have been here. I won’t get into the actual semantics of what is involved, but I will say that it wasn’t painful or anything, -just graphic. …And at the time I was sure I wouldn’t be haunted later in life by my decision. And that’s the weirdest part of maturity.
When I look back, I do have a few regrets. I wish I would have thought about adoption. There are too many people in the world who haven’t had the opportunity to be a mother when they want to so desperately. It kills me that I literally threw the chance away. I also know- on a very deep level- what 20 year old Emily was like- so I know I made the best decision I could with the tools I had. But still. I don’t think you ever fully recover from it. And maybe I don’t really deserve to recover from it. Sometimes I think to myself “Wow! I could technically have a 7 year old. What would that child be like? How would my life be different.” It’s a strange feeling especially when you can look into the eyes of 3 more children you’ve created & see what could have been. Especially given that Scott & I DID make it through that time & we are still together. At that time though- I didn’t know.
So, I am writing now as a Mother, three times over. And I am still not sure how I feel about the situation. It’s been seven years & so much has happened. With my last two pregnancies, I was reminded every time I had to fill out paperwork or had the doctors ask “How many pregnancies have you had?” “How many live births?” And then watched as they inferred what happened. It’s uncomfortable. Because now? Unless there was a real PROBLEM with one of my pregnancies or the children being made- I couldn’t do it. I definitely believe in the choice. I do. But, I think many, if not most- of the people who fight for that right haven’t actually been through it. They don’t know the scar it leaves behind. Unluckily for me, I can now see the subject from both sides.
As a parent, given the love you feel for your child(ren)- could YOU do it? It’s not a pro-life/ pro-choice question. I mean- could YOU personally?
Scott & I love our family. We hope to have the resources to expand it again further down the line. I will always have the picture in the back of my head of my 1st chance at motherhood & what it would have done to change the course of my life. And sometimes, when I think of that- I realize that had I had that child, I may not have had Hudson. Or Truman. or Sawyer. That child could have changed the course of my whole life. And that thought hurts me so much more than than the thought of this child I never knew- which kinda makes me feel at peace with my decision.
May 6th, 2010 - 10:20 AM
Wow – way to make us all think. And props to you for putting “pen to paper” with the thoughts. I don’t even know how to answer.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:23 AM
Wow, Emily. I got chills reading this. How very brave of you. There was so much “truth” in what you wrote – from believing in the choice but not being able to do it, to the people who fight for it probably not having to experience it. And that having that child might have meant not having the three that you do now. How do you wrap your mind around that?
I don’t know what it would feel like to be that 20 year old. When I was 20 and childless I probably would have thought I could do it. But now? Nope, not a chance.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:23 AM
You know i hear exactly what you are saying with the pregnancy paperwork. Although I have never had an abortion – i have had 10 miscarriages and even filling out “13 pregnancies” on that form is embarrassing to me for that.
I am a pro-choicer. I do not judge however – i do not think “I” could have one unless my health was at danger. I honestly cant say what i would could have chosen if i was in that situation before my pregnancy troubles – i dont know. All i know now is any pregnancy to *me is a gift. I imagine someone who has had an abortion feels somewhat similar when thinking back as i do about my miscarriages.
((hugs))
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:28 AM
i don’t yet have the babies you do, but i did what you did and i felt just like you did. the lives those kids would have lived would never have been enough if we’d had them for ourselves. i can’t wait to have my three (or however many) and treasure them as i’ll be able to.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:30 AM
As someone who counseled women on their options upon learning that they were pregnant (terminate, parent, place for adoption), I can honestly say that I felt like every woman was making the best choice possible for their lives, and the lives of their families at the time. Be they the college kid from the Catholic University a block away from my hospital, or the 43 year old mother of 2 whose tubal ligation had failed. Unplanned pregnancies occur at many stages of life, and my becoming a mother made options that much more important.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:30 AM
i’m with krista on this one. total chills.
i’m pro-choice for sure; i don’t think any woman should have that choice taken away from her. could i got through with it though? no. i don’t think so. and i can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for you.
but then i think back to me at age 20… and well, i just don’t know. and mostly i prefer to not think about that sort of decision…
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:35 AM
Emily, the decisions you make in your life define the person you become, you have to belive in your decisions, that was the right one for you at that time. And just because I have known you since day 1, I too believe you made the correct decision. Love Ya me
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 10:37 AM
Thanks Terri. That means a lot because the only thing making me NOT write this sooner was knowing that some of the family reads this.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:05 AM
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. There were times that I thought to myself that I could totally get an abortion if I needed to, other times- no way. Mentally at 20 I was mature. I’ve always have been for my age…But, I did NOT have my shit together…But, ya know what? I still don’t “have my shit together” in a lot of peoples opinion and I have to tell you, I make a damn good Mom. I always make sure MJ has EVERYTHING he needs, he always comes first, and always will. So I guess, seeing the parent I am now, and the struggles I still deal with I think that I could have been a parent at 20. I would have made it work. I’m really good at making things work. I always seem to get it all figured out in the end. But, thats just Me. I know that being a young parent isn’t best for everyone and it probably wouldn’t have been a good idea for me either.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:15 AM
Agreed, I too have Chills and I commend you for writing this. It’s a tough subject and your honesty is beautiful.
I’ve been through the same thing you’ve been through, also at the age of 20. The situation I was in was awful (the details are long, I’ll save you the pain) I was young and confused and had so many thoughts whirling through my head. The one person I was convinced wasn’t going to be there for me was my mother, turns out she was the best support system ever. She told me the decision was mine and that she’d be there for me no matter what. The crazy thing was the first person I told would be the man I’m soon to marry. We weren’t dating at the time, and he wasn’t the father, but he was there for me, he was the friend I needed.
I look back now and I can honestly say that I made the right decision for me at the time. I don’t have regrets about it. I still think about it from time to time and wonder where would I be at this very moment, would I be with M, would I be this happy? At the time I was in a miserable place dating a jerk of a guy and to bring another life into that situation wouldn’t have been fair, for any of us, especially the child.
One day I hope to have children, I have a lot of love to give and a family is a great place to start.
I think you’re story is amazing, your kids and your husband are truly blessed to have you. I also consider myself lucky enough to know you too, I’ve never met you but we’ve chatted quite a bit, I think you’re amazing. I thank you for this post.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:17 AM
Yeah, I see what you’re saying- I just think I would never want to just make things work. You know? Our struggles now are different then they were then. I could have been a good parent- possibly even a great parent, but at 20- my priorities were different. Even though I had completely supported myself fora few years by the time I was 20- I’m not sure I could have done it all.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:22 AM
For the people who have a problem with abortion, this is not a difficult concept.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:36 AM
Wow….you and i seriously need to talk! My husband and I should have a 7 year old (EDD was May 12th)…here we are 7 years later with a 6 month old. I wonder ever single day if i did the right thing. I never got over it. I struggled with sever depression for years without a single person knowing but myself because no one would listen or say anything but “your still not over that”. My son has definitely pulled me out of the dark place i had been for years. There was not ONE DAY during my pregnancy that i didn’t think something was going to go wrong because i thought did not deserve to be pregnant. He has brought light back into my life.
thank you for writing this and finally letting me speak (to someone besides myself lol)
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 11:37 AM
Emily, I hope by now you know I love you. And, I know that my post yesterday triggered some of this. And you know how much I respect you and how highly I regard you as a parent. (aka – THE goddess.)
And you know I’ve been there. I’ve been there with a jerk of a man who I haven’t seen in years, even though I have his seven year old.
My heart aches for you just thinking about you pondering on the child that never was. I think you also know I disagree with you. In a way that only someone who made the other decision themselves can.
But, that’s the beauty of finding women who really amaze you over the internet, right? & then discovering more and more about them. They steal your heart and open themselves up to you and in the face of passionate globally dividing feuds, all you see is love.
It was very brave of you to share. You never fail to amaze me.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 12:10 PM
I believe that every woman should have the option to make the best possible choice for their lives and the lives of their families at the time. I am 100% pro-choice. I am also 100% pro birth control. As i would not have been strong enough to make that decision for myself at that age. No way. Fortunately for me, I was a big virgin until I was 22. Even at that age though, I can’t imagine going through that. I was even weaker then…
I am in a totally different stage of my life 5+ years later, and I still cannot imagine going through it. I was asked by a certain someone recently if I would have an abortion if I became pregnant now. And maybe this is not the place to answer, but ever since I was asked, I have been thinking about it. And the answer is, no. I couldn’t do it.
I know I am not ready for children presently. I have made a solid effort to be sure that my chances of becoming pregnant are the lowest they can be, and I still get scared every so often. I use the Nuva-Ring now, and it is doubled up with a condom or ye old “coitus interruptus” method. (tmi? it happens) I may not have been as smart when I was younger and first began having the sex, but my paranoia finally caught up with me, and I’m making up for it. I am fortunate to not have become pregnant yet.
That all being said, I LOVE children. I want so badly to be a Mother someday, and the day I find out I will be one, I predict will be the happiest day of my life. Thinking about it excites me to no end. So much that I’m getting choked up as i write this. Because the thought gives me butterflies in my stomach. But I want it with no disappointment. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to become a parent with someone I love and who I know loves me and also wants to become a parent with ME as much as I do with them. I want to provide a proper home to raise them in. And, I’m just not there yet. I know other people feel differently and can do things in a different order, and I respect that. Everyone is different. You do what works best for you and your family.
I have been out of high school for, shit, 10 years now. I hope the birth control information is as rich as possible. There are so many options and some of it is just so easy these days! (albeit, pricey, which is incredibly unfortunate, and quite anger inducing as I think about it. I Love my Nuva-Ring! but, if it weren’t for my sweet deal, and hook up, I would be paying $60 a month for it, and I have good insurance. That is really sad.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 12:16 PM
Also, I realize teaching about birth control in schools is a separate debate. So, ignore that. I just into rant mode.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 1:16 PM
incredibly brave of you to share this, em! these words gave me the chills – i re-read this post 3 times before i felt i could muster up a comment! i’m very, VERY much pro-choice, and although i’ve never personally been faced with the need to make such a painfully difficult decision, i think it’s very important to have the option available to women who need it.
even after becoming a mother, i still don’t believe that every single pregnancy that happens on earth should necessarily result in a child. there are certainly people who would argue otherwise, but i just can’t accept that as a sound idea. babies are born every day by mothers who remained pregnant simply because they didn’t want to face having an abortion – and while in some cases they end up being absolutely amazing parents and offering their children a wonderful life, i know for a fact that sometimes people who keep their babies when they were not truly wanted end up being less than great parents. and as a result, the children are the ones who suffer.
you have given your babies a great gift by being a mother who had actually prepared herself and her life for raising children. good for you on opening up and sharing about this huge milestone in your early adult life. wish that i could come to your house and give you a HUGE hug, but suffice to say i just adore you, and i think you should be damn proud of the incredible person and mother who you are.
cheers!
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 1:26 PM
I actually agree precisely with you. I believe that every woman has a choice. And my choice is that I could never do that now. Although I will say that there are situations I hope I never have to face which could change that choice in me.
Great post.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 1:57 PM
I know I would have done it in high school….but in college I think I would have gone the adoption right. I couldn’t have done it FOR MYSELF. I am a guilt ridden person. I couldn’t have lived with it.
And yet I am still strongly pro-choice. There are people it IS the right decision for.
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 3:25 PM
Wow, Emily, how incredibly brave of you to share this. Thank you so much. I think you are doing the pro-choice community a great service with your story, proving that women who have or want abortions aren’t all terrible, cold, heartless hussies who hate babies. Clearly you love babies and only want the absolute best for them.
In college, my husband’s then girlfriend got pregnant. It was years before I even knew him, they were only 19. He told her the decision was hers but that he would drop out and marry her if she wanted. She chose an abortion. And truly, I am so grateful that she did. It allowed my husband to become the man he is now instead of working at McDonalds his whole life. It meant he could move hundreds of miles away to where I met him. It is thanks to her choice that we now have a beautiful son and another baby on the way. I don’t know what choice I would have made at 19, but I hope where ever that girl
is she knows how much appreciate hers.
Also, ditto everything Emily B. said above.
xoxo
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 4:50 PM
What an honest and brave post! I just stumbled upon your blog. There are so many ‘what ifs’ in life aren’t there?
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 6:17 PM
Wow. Just, wow. This post was so beautifully written…and it really got me thinking.
I couldn’t do it, I didn’t do it. I didn’t even let the suggestion cross my mind…I didn’t even acknowledge it when other people suggested it. And I’m glad I didn’t, or I wouldn’t have my son.
But, like you said…everyone is different.
Thank you for writing this post!
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 6:55 PM
This is such a powerful story in so many levels. Thank you so much for sharing something so private with all of us. Every circumstance is different and women should have the right to decide when they want to have a baby. Personally, I don’t think I would be able to do it. I know people who have. Some regret it and others don’t. It is a very personal decision, but I think women should have the means to do it if they decided this is something they want to do. Illegal abortions are scary stuff. They can have life threatening consequences for women and the death rates are really high. Women should not die beacause they are not ready to have a baby. That is one of the reasons why I am pro-choice.
Great post, Emmie!
[Reply]
May 6th, 2010 - 8:22 PM
I faced that choice seven years ago too. Seven years ago now I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.
I couldn’t do it.
But knowing what I know now. Looking back at 20 year old me….and the choices and the situations I was in. I can say while I couldn’t do it and I totally stand by that and I KNOW I did the right thing FOR ME. The choices I DID make weren’t ones I’d make again either.
Looking back and knowing how things end up…def changes a perspective.
[Reply]
May 7th, 2010 - 6:31 AM
First, I give you credit for writing about this subject. It’s touchy and people feel very strongly about it. I hope everyone who comments remains civil and kind.
While I personally think that the right to choose should never be taken away from humans again, I also think that the ability to abort is presented to women as something far too simple. It’s a complex and life-altering choice for most women. As a person who believes that life DOES begin at conception, I know that I could never have ended a pregnancy, no matter what age I was or what situation I am in. I had several scares, too. High school and 8 months before my wedding date. Both would have SUCKED, but I knew, each time, while waiting for the tests to complete, that my choice was to complete the pregnancy.
But that’s just it: It was my CHOICE. To force young girls and women into parenthood in today’s world is a huge folly. I just sincerely wish there was more support and funding for women in crisis pregnancies to actually HAVE a choice to KEEP their babies. And not just adoption, though that should be discussed more openly. I’m talking about providing resources for women to realize that raising a child at 16 or 20 or 30 on your own CAN BE DONE.
[Reply]
May 7th, 2010 - 8:00 AM
i went through a similar situation when i was seventeen- and the ONLY reason i made that decision was because i didn’t want my baby to know what it was to love a monster like its father. i wanted a better life for them.
the difference for me is that it still haunts me, all these years later, and it was painful. i was bed-ridden for weeks and clotting like crazy.
it’s so reassuring to see you, years later with a happy and loving family and perfectly beautiful and healthy babies.
it’s reasons like these that i believe i made the right choice.
[Reply]
May 7th, 2010 - 1:42 PM
First, I’m impressed with how honest and transparent you were in writing in this, it must have been hard to have to think back on that time in your life and the whole situation.
That said, I have a 7 month old son, and no, absolutely not I couldn’t do it. Even at 20, freaked out as I might have been, I probably would have given the baby up for adoption. I couldn’t possibly bare the thought of ending the life of my innocent baby.
That’s not to pass judgment on you, but that’s how I feel for me.
Thankfully I got pregnant with my son at 24 and even though it wasn’t planned, I love my son dearly and I think you just become more mature and responsible because it’s needed.
[Reply]
May 7th, 2010 - 1:54 PM
In young adulthood you grow leaps & bounds in the matter of a few short years. The difference in me a few months before turning 21 & a few months after turning 21 was vast. Thanks for your comments!
[Reply]
May 8th, 2010 - 12:47 PM
I have had two abortions. I was 17 and 19. The irony was that my choice was not really a choice. I felt backed into a corner. I had all sorts of reasons, justifications, and excuses. My step-father was abusive, the father of the children was not supportive, my family was dysfunctional, I would be on welfare, etc, etc, etc. I kept telling myself that my babies would “be better off”. Better off what???? Dead???? As crappy as my childhood was, I am still thankful that my mother chose to give me life. And no excuses, justifications, or “reasoning” from me will give life to the children that I chose to end.
I applaud the women who choose life and realize that adoption may be painful, but it is a brave, compassionate, and loving choice…..much better than the alternative.
[Reply]
May 9th, 2010 - 6:50 AM
Thanks for writing this. I hate being at the doctor’s office and answering the dreaded question, “how many pregnancies have you had?” Can’t we just skip over that?
[Reply]
May 9th, 2010 - 3:35 PM
Hi Emm,
I’m sorry you had to make such an important decision at such
an early time in your life. However, I am proud of you and
believe you did make the right decision. Raising a child is
a life time job, and unless you are ready to commit to sharing
your life with little ones, then it is not the right time. You have a lovely family now and I also am very proud of you
being in control of a major step in YOUR life. Luv u
[Reply]