I need to say it.
MAN UP.
If you feel blindsided by motherhood… I am baffled.
Did you not know that a baby would be coming out of your vage? Or cut out of your stomach while you watched? Did you not know that you will be responsible for said baby for 18 years? That they cry pretty constantly until they can talk and tell you what they need? That they will ruin every outfit you have with poop & vomit? That they will get upset tummies and freaking scream like you are murdering them & you get worried the neighbors can hear and will call the cops? Did you not know that you would have at least significantly reduced sleep for a long time- and just when they get good at sleeping through the night they will be teenagers and you will never. sleep. again?! That they don’t want their toys & instead want to play with an electrical outlet? That breastfeeding is at least somewhat difficult- even if just for a day and at least once you will curse that baby for making your nipples hurt so bad? Or that every person on the planet will give you advice, unsolicited and you will have to just smile?
I get upset when women feel as if they’ve been duped. Not one person ever had to sit me down & tell me ANYTHING about parenting. Maybe I’m just informed but I have never felt blindsided. It’s HARD but so intensely gratifying- and I don’t think my description of parenting is a lie I am perpetuating.
I understand that women I LOVE both in blogging and in real life have felt HELPLESS after having a baby. They have experienced diagnosed PPD/A/P and other mental disorders. They have taken medications, etc. But, I think being not mentally prepared for the challenges of parenthood is NOT PPD. It’s not. It’s not a reason to medicate. Even women who wanted to birth naturally in the forest while fairies chanted in a circle around them- they end up just swallowing the pill the doctor gives them to make the sadness go away.
But how can you experience the AMAZING highs of anything without feeling the crippling lows? How can you feel on top of the world if you don’t know what it feels like to be buried alive? I have felt both. On MANY occasions. Depression is a NATURAL human emotion. I’ve been there. I really have. But never for long.
This is pure speculation & I may receive a ton of hate for this. I have never had PPD or any other mental disorder. I really DON’T know what it feels like. I don’t. But, I know that I have had 3 children in 13 months and there have been times I’ve had to step away. One time when Scott came home that I said: “I need to go for a drive” and left him with a screaming baby Hudson while I smoked like 10 cigarettes and then came home and was happy. There are times when all three children cry AT. ONCE. and I sit here and listen to it and think, wow! They are loud and I REALLLY wish I was doing anything but this at this moment. I don’t call that depression. I call that reality. People who think parenting is anything different that what I have described are in for it. They just are.
I am not a perfect parent. I’m not calm. I am in fact one of the more high strung people you will ever meet. I am nervous all the time. I am a LOUD. I scream. I can’t help it. I’m at least 1/2 Italian. We scream. Hudson is used to it. When he does something bad- as much as I wish I could kneel down and explain why we don’t do that- I can’t. But, I knew that before getting pregnant.
I also knew I’d be broke. That sometimes I’d want to punch my husband in the face for falling asleep AGAIN while I was dealing with the kids. That nothing is ever perfect. That no matter what happens I love my kids & my husband. That breastfeeding is hard but worth it- until I had twins- then I realized it wasn’t for me this time around. I realized cloth diapering would be hard and I did it anyways. Until Hudson got to be a year old and I was no longer into battling on a diaper, snappy clip & cover and every diaper change. Then? I reevaluated and started using compostable diapers for Hudson. Because that’s what worked.
My point: I am not a planner. I never went into motherhood expecting anything except that I would love my kids. It didn’t matter how they came or what they looked like or how much sleep I’d loose or how much weight I’d gain or how they’d make me feel-both sad & happy. I roll with the punches. When something is going wrong, or sometimes wrong times three in this house- I suck it up.
When I told my Dad I was pregnant with the twins- he said “Suck it up. Time to put your big girl panties on.” I thought it was totally weird and kinda rude. In fact it was so strange I didn’t know if I was insulted. Clearly I had been taking care of Hudson just fine for those first couple months.
But, i have come back to that piece of advice many times. “Put your big girl panties on,” ladies- because regardless of what you THINK you signed up for- reality is what it is.
It IS sunshine and rainbows. It really is. And sometimes? It’s storm clouds. And sometimes? It’s a hurricane followed by an earthquake followed by an oil spill. But WE SIGNED UP FOR IT.
I hope I don’t ALWAYS make my life/parenting sound like sunshine and rainbows. But, to be honest- for ME it IS. 99% of the time- it is sunshine and rainbows. And while I feel so horribly that some women have to deal with post-partum issues- it is unfair to blame their expectations on other women not telling them. On other women making it look too easy.
We have all seen & heard other moms having the same struggles with children since the BEGINNING! No one told me ” Emily, this is going to be so easy. You will love every minute.” I think the part that so many are missing is that EVERYONE (seriously-everyone.) KNOWS that parenting, on at least a million occasions, will suck a big giant dick. But if no one told you how great it is? There wouldn’t BE kids. If no one told you of the amazing love and happiness and satisfaction children fill your heart with? YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THEM. Because without the sunshine and rainbows? It’s pain and hurt and HARD. And that part you can see from the outside. But the love and joy? It’s something you have to feel. So, if no one told you? You may go your whole life thinking “Kids aren’t for me, I’m not prepared for the work it takes.” And that may friends? Is OK too!
And for a million years, women have just sucked it up. They put on their big girl panties and they get knee deep in that giant vat of shit & vomit called motherhood and with sore nipples and no sleep- THEY DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND LOVE IT.
*note: I have now edited this post because I realize that people felt that I was attacking two people personally. Since really it wasn’t about them at all or about even PPD at all- just that we all go through the same things once in a while and that that DOESN’T ALWAYS spell trouble. That feeling unprepared is feeling unprepared. That feeling lied to is feeling lied to. They are all very separate issues and since I am not a doctor and wish to support the women originally mentioned rather than to make them feel inferior (which most sincerely was NOT my desire) I have omitted them. *
June 8th, 2010 - 6:39 PM
mwuah. You know that you get no hate mail from me, woman.
That's why I wondered whether what I was feeling was motherhood or part of the PPD/PPA/PPP/X/Y/Z. I don't know. I think if it's possible to "man up" to it, then it's my PPD talking, for sure. Because I just can't seem to "man up" sometimes without hating myself for it. If that makes any sense.
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Erin Reply:
June 14th, 2010 at 1:59 AM
Just by taking care of your PPD you are man-ning up. Don't ever forget that.
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June 8th, 2010 - 6:41 PM
As I said- I have no idea what it feels like to be in your situation. But manning up works for me- so maybe that's the difference.
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June 8th, 2010 - 6:43 PM
Absolutely. Nah, it's good to have both sides of the situation. That's what blogging is about, no?
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June 8th, 2010 - 11:46 AM
Thank you for this. I feel very much the same way as you – and i do also have HUGE respect for the 2 bloggers and their journey. I do feel that as moms we do have a tendency to portray only the good – and often times leave out the bad in fear we will be alienated – but you are right. The highs and lows are part of life. I have had 3 kids in 3 years and can feel so much what you are talking about. I understand the CRAZY and being overwhelmed.
I think people are afraid of emotions – especially the bad ones – and i understand that but seriously you cant think that there wont be a thousand moments like that as a mother. Being a mother is hard – sleep deprivation is hard and can make you feel like you are losing your mind – but you are signing up for all that the moment that test is positive and you make the choice to keep going. ♥
I do believe that PPD/PPA is when you are not able to overcome those bad moments by "manning up" more times then not. I had PPD after my first and it was a whole different world. I was able to overcome it pretty quickly – thankfully but it really is a different place. Hard to understand unless you have been there honestly. I do wonder if more ppl are dx's with PPD/PPA instead of really looking at their expectations/emotions vs actual imbalance.
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June 8th, 2010 - 11:48 AM
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Heir to Blair Blog, Emmie Bee. Emmie Bee said: Blog:: I have to say this & it might loose me friends. http://www.emmiebee.com/2010/06/08/i-have-to-say-this-it-might-loose-me-friends/ [...]
June 8th, 2010 - 6:51 PM
"It IS sunshine and rainbows. It really is. And sometimes? It’s storm clouds. And sometimes? It’s a hurricane followed by an earthquake followed by an oil spill. But WE SIGNED UP FOR IT."
I love you. Thank you for this post. I was so discouraged after reading the comments on Blair's site, and Blair's feeling that she was lied to. I have never ever felt lied to about parenthood. I knew I was going to have a massive life upheaval by having my daughter. And it was – but I have learned how to look at life differently. Instead of resenting the fact that I no longer have perfect hair and make up every morning, I've had to start being thrilled that it only takes me 10 minutes to be able to be presentable. Instead of getting angry that my daughter wants my attention when we are together (I work full time), I remember that I'm blessed to have a child who wants to play with/talk to/read with her mommy instead of vegging out in front of Elmo.
Thanks for making sure the other point of view got airtime too.
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Evie's Mama Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 6:53 PM
And just to be clear – I respect Blair to the end of the earth for sharing all she has re: PPD. I just think that her PPD is a large part of her feeling. And I do agree that PPD is a topic that is not discussed enough/openly – thus I can understand feeling lied to from that perspective.
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June 8th, 2010 - 6:52 PM
I think the difference between PPD and normal being a mother with highs and lows…is that there aren't those highs. There are the lows and there are indifferent. I don't have moments where I feel overwhelmed with how much I just am absolutely in love with her. Even when she's not screaming, or not upset. In those moments…I'm just here. I'm just playing a part. It's not *my* life. It's just something I'm here doing with out feeling much else. And in the bad moments, which really don't mean HER bad moments, it's a dark lonely place.
I wasn't fooled thinking that motherhood would be easy. But I was not prepared for how I feel every day.
There's def. no hate here, and I am actually really relieved that there are highs, and that people feel them. Because it gives me something to aim for. It's that that keeps me from skipping therapy (today actually, because I really don't want to go!).
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Blair@HeirtoBlair Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:05 PM
I think Alena made an excellent point that there aren't those highs – there are lows, there are even lowers, & there are run-of -the-mill indifferent. OCCASIONAL sprinkled with 2 second blasts of "Okay, I can do this." That's about it.
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Evie's Mama Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 8:05 PM
And that is what I think those of us who commented on your site in 'disagreement' (lack of a better word) were not fully absorbing. To PPD mothers, it seems that it IS full of suck. So thank you for explaining that lack of highs – because it does matter.
In that scenario, however, I think what you were lied to about was not motherhood and how it sucks. More that you were lied to about PPD and how it a) happens to more people than we know, and b) how badly it sucks and can damage your feelings. I respect tremendously how much honesty you and Alena and other PPD sufferers bring to the table. I think what myself and other mommies who said we didn't relate were trying to convey was that it's not motherhood, it's the PPD. It's not Blair talking, it's Blair's PPD. I hope that didn't come out disrespectful.
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June 8th, 2010 - 11:52 AM
I have not been surprised once. I have been around babies A LOT. I knew everything that I would feel would happen and I’m actually surprised at well I have done. I also don’t have PPD/A, so I know it can be completely different for some other women. I have OCD and anxiety issues but haven’t had an issue with it pertaining to my baby. I mean, I did get overwhelmed the other day because his carrier was on the left side of the booth instead of the right, but I just switched them and felt 100X better.
Anyways, I’m with ya. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but I didn’t expect it to be. And actually here, it’s better than I thought it would be…
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 6:56 PM
I agree. I do find that it is easier than I originally thought it would me.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:01 PM
i completely 100 million times agree with everything you wrote. everything is worth it. things are not rainbows and sparkles around here…i knew it wouldn't be…sometimes it is hard…and sometimes it is even harder than hard. but i try to take the best out of everything…there is always far more good than out weighs the bad…you just have to look for it…because it's not always obvious. love ya em!
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June 8th, 2010 - 12:05 PM
[...] I was writing this post my friend Emily did a post as well, her’s is much better than mine and I would say that i have to agree 170000% with every words she has said. So read her’s and [...]
June 8th, 2010 - 7:06 PM
"It's a hurricane followed by an earthquake followed by an oil spill" > THIS. For me, the aftermath of my unfortunate events left me wanting & needing to just talk to someone who wasn't there – in the trenches. I needed someone who I saw as objective. And, therapy alone has been enough for me and for that I am thankful. I don't pretend to understand PPD, I have been fortunate to avoid it with my two children. In my own experience, through all of my events – in 4 months time – a broken arm, eclampsia, a major accident, a c-section, another surgery or two, a wheelchaired child, an 18 day old that quit breathing and a dislocated elbow – I had to force myself to find the joy in parenting and I have worked hard, to not allow myself to go down the slippery slope of depression – one that I felt myself going down on numerous occasions & had to have a moment or two to clear my mind & spirit. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am in that regard. Perhaps that is putting on my big girl panties…although, I would tell your dear old dad that unfortunately I put on "big girl" panties daily – I need to quit stuffing my face. Fat-N-Happy I guess.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:06 PM
This is the first time I've ever read your blog, but I felt compelled to comment. I guess I have a different view on what "manning up" means. To me, manning up is doing what I have to do, even when I don't want to do it. Being there when I don't want to be there. Responding when I don't want to respond. I never once thought motherhood would be easy, but I feel it's safe to say that it's nothing like what I thought it would be. And that's why I was caught so off-guard. Because it was so completely different than what I thought it would be. Compound that with the guilt of feeling like I'd sometimes rather be doing something else than being with my baby, and it gets really rough. But then I man up and do what I have to do by being there with my baby. Anyway, that's just my two cents. Thanks for your perspective on the topic!
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Miranda Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:26 PM
This is where I am, too. I don't feel lied to about motherhood, and I certainly expected it would be a massive upheaval. But women DON'T talk about the bad times. We just don't. We don't talk about how there are times when we run to Wal-Mart just to get a loaf of bread and end up wandering the aisles staring at cartons of motor oil just because we don't want to go back home to a screaming infant just yet. And the guilt from this? Oh my goodness. The guilt.
Motherhood *isn't* what I thought it would. It's nothing like my own mother made it seem, and it's not like we had an easy time of it.
Despite the fact that I suffer from PPD/A and am "swallowing that little pill" everyday (which, IMO, seems to trivialize what is not an easy decision for many women…it certainly wasn't for me), I am "manning up." I AM knee-deep in a vat of shit and vomit. Every day. And while I didn't love my son immediately upon having him sliced out of me (hello stressful situation!), I do love him. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure he is taken care of and given all the love a little boy can have. Even if that means I one day find myself knee-deep in a literal vat of shit and vomit working for the water sanitation plant.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:31 PM
Miranda-
I appreciate your points. I too have the moments in Target when I went for trash bags and spent an hour looking at greeting cards because I needed a break. I in NO WAY meant to trivialize ANYTHING. When women actually have PPD it needs to be helped and through therapy & medications it is. But, some women read blogs like Blair's and think "hey! me too!" and don't realize that half of what she is going through IS normal while the other half is the illness.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:33 PM
Also- I did have two c-sections in 13 months. I do know how overwhelming it can be!
Miranda Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 11:42 PM
I can see that RE Blair and women "bandwagon-ing" (for lack of a better term) when part of what she's feeling is illness and part is normal "WHAT THE HELL??" kinds of things.
I hope I didn't come off as bitchy in my comment. That wasn't my intent. I think I'm forever concerned about how people view me on the internet. I guess this just struck a chord with me because, like you said on twitter, I WANTED the highs. I wanted the high right after giving birth. The elation and YIPPEE from the hormones that made me see those rainbow farting unicorns. But I got the opposite. And I'm still bitter about it, I guess.
June 8th, 2010 - 7:07 PM
Before I gave birth – before I even had the chance to experience motherhood – my doctor had recommended a PPD support group. When I took Baby Evan to a pediatrician's appointment and cried because they had to stick his foot to get a blood sample to test for jaundice (for the millionth time that week) the pediatrician wouldn't let me leave without promising to call my doctor for a psychiatric referral. Every book I read about motherhood mentions PPD, every celebrity mommy article talked about PPD, every time a new mom in any of my many mom groups mentioned struggling someone suggested she had PPD. I got the feeling all it would take to get a prescription to "solve" my new mom problems would be to walk into any doctor's office and say "I had a baby last week." Every time I felt the least bit overwhelmed I thought "Oh no, maybe I'm sick!"
I came to the conclusion that after being a shameful, hidden, secret problem for a long time, PPD was now something no one could STOP talking about. It's like ADD in kids – a real problem, one that can affect lives and hurt people, but a diagnosis that is very close to being forced on people who don't necessarily need it. I am not generally a medical-community conspiracy theorist (AT ALL) but in this case….well, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if a large amount of the PPD awareness marketing is paid for by a pharmaceutical company.
Since I'm on your side of the fence rather than Blair, Allison, and so many other mommy blogger's side, I can't say what actually having PPD feels like. I can only imagine their struggle to get themselves back must be incredibly difficult and hope it is one I never have to experience. But I genuinely feel that a lot of moms, like you and I, who are just new-mom stressed, and new-mom exhausted, and new-mom overwhelmed are being told none of that is normal, when in reality IT IS. I'm glad you aren't lying to anyone.
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Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:18 PM
I agree so much with you Suzanne.
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alissawins Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:27 PM
i very much agree with this. i have read certain blogs where the mothers say they have ppd or symptoms of it and i stop and think, wow, that just sounds like everyday, normal struggles. there truly are people with crippling depression, i have been there, and am not fully out of it, AT ALL, but, ppd is sometimes over diagnosed.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:07 PM
Thanks for this post and offering the perspective of a mom NOT battling the illness of PPD/A, etc. (And yes it IS an illness.) I think a lot of moms will sigh a deep sigh of relief after reading your "side" of the story.
One thing I just want to mention is that yes a majority of the time medication IS necessary for serious depression or anxiety (something I never understood until going through PPD/A) and should NEVER be used to make the mom feel guilty or ashamed for taking said medication. Real depression or anxiety is something you cannot just MAN UP to or "snap out of."
You are sooo blessed to have the motherhood experience you've had (without a postpartum mood disorder). Those of us who have gone through one look at you in awe and disbelief. And perhaps jealousy. I wish I could have manned up. Believe me, NOTHING i wanted more.
Thanks for your perspective, again, truly.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:28 PM
I agree. I am part of a family that has experienced other forms of mental illness and sometimes medication is the only option. I am just trying to get across that depression isn't abnormal. Everyone feels it from time to time. Not every case of depression requires medication. But, for people who cannot 'snap out of it'- I am totally supportive. Maybe it's hard to imagine it ever being that bad because I haven't been there. I never said PPD wasn't an illness. I understand it is a REAL illness. I just felt the other side of the story deserved a look as well.
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Grace Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:42 PM
I think part of the problem is the term "depression" and "anxiety" are used very loosely in our society when in reality they are illnesses (that's what I meant by PPD/A IS an illness… not that you were saying it's not, I just refer to the actual illnesses, not "being nervous" or "feeling sad") I think it's interesting that several ladies have mentioned PPD seems to be over-diagnosed. I have no idea about this. I haven't lived in the states for 4 years. (but i think this was one of your points, correct?)
I totally understand that you've felt "Depressed" but you have not been ill with depression. If that makes sense. I think that is what Lisa meant in a later comment… From reading your post, as a mom who survived a PP mood disorder (and before that I had NEVER taken a pill, for anything, besides tylenol/advil, no joke, totally stable person) what I got from it was literally, "OH, WOW. So she is telling me what motherhood would have been like had I been healthy." I felt like saying the same thing. Ok. So you don't have a post partum mood disorder. That is why you are saying to man up and get through it. Ok. Makes total sense.
So for that, even though it's hard not to take offense to the WAY some of your points were made, I say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope that I can have another child and have an entirely different experience.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:51 PM
I think that there are two things here: One- I do think in my not-professional-at-all opinion that all mental illnesses are over diagnosed.
Two: I think while PPD NEEDS to be discussed, treated etc- sometimes reading a blog like blair's people may seek medical attention/ worry because they think their normal feelings are in fact PPD when sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they are just normal feelings.
Grace Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 12:41 AM
Point taken! Well said. Thanks
June 8th, 2010 - 7:09 PM
For someone like me who is scared of PPD (I've struggled with depression in the past but have never been medicated for it — mind over matter has always worked for me, thank god) it's good to hear someone say, "yeah, it's hard…but you KNEW it would be hard. And yeah, sometimes you'll experience some real low moments, but those are NORMAL!"
I really wanna be the type of mom to play things fast and loose. I don't want to analyze my every feeling and every moment as a mother and think, "is this what it's supposed to be like?"
I don't think I've been lied to about motherhood. I also think I have a healthy dose of reality from all my years of nannying. I just think it's good to hear that in every mother's life, there are NORMAL ups and downs.
Awesome post, lady!
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:19 PM
ok, like i said to you on twitter, i agree. it completely baffles my mind when mothers are so shocked and clueless. when they have a trillion questions and are just like wahh this is hard no one said it would be this hard! cause, really? no one told you? were you never around children, or parents for that matter, your whole life? and im definitely not only referring to allison and blair, in fact i havent had a chance to check out blairs blog yet. i'm just speaking in general terms about other mothers i've encountered. as far as ppd goes, i dont want to be a total misinformed bitch by saying its not a real issue (i've never suffered from ppd) but i sometimes feel that people give these feelings this grand title of post partum depression and it makes them feel validated to have an official title. that their stress and exhaustion is OK and they arent to blame, when really they should feel ok without some diagnosis. i HAVE suffered from serious depression most of my life and it has come with VERY serious consequences to my health, phyical and emotional so i know what depression is like. depression after having a child, when youre in a time of stress and exhaustion and a whole bunch of new, crazy things, makes sense. i mean, thats typically when depression would surface. i'm not sure it needs its own diagnosis of post partum depression. anyway, this has turned into a novel and i've had to start and stop writing a dozen times because my baby is eating cat food and playing with a dirty sock and just generally getting into mayhem so i should stop now. and i dont want to come off like i'm perfect, i definitely complain alll the time about my lack of sleep and things liket that but it isnt because i'm blindsided by it or feel like a failure because of it. i just really like complaining.
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Morning Song Support Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 2:05 AM
With all due respect to your opinions, the idea that Post Partum Depression doesn't need to be a diagnosis "i'm not sure it needs its own diagnosis of post partum depression." is frankly irresponsible. As someone who has suffered from depression you should know better. Post Partum Depression is a serious issue that can be so extreme as to present as Post Partum Psychosis. Women and children have died due to a lack of understanding and the shame that these women felt about reactions they had no control over. These disorders can and have led to suicide and the deaths of innocent children in horrific ways, that always leave the family reeling. "That just wasn't like her." Am I saying that everyone has this? No, but unfortunately, many of those who do develop cases that extreme feel they have to hide how they feel or just "suck it up" and because of that fall through the cracks and are not diagnosed in time to save lives. I respect everyone's right to an opinion, but frankly the things I'm reading here continue to make it difficult for people who desperately need help to do so because they are labeled weak and really should just suck it up.
And before you decide to say I don't know what I'm talking about, I am a mother and no I have not suffered from more than the average month long baby blues. Yes, I sucked it up and I am very happy being a mom. BUT, a family member of mine is at this moment sitting in a hospital room missing a lung and an arm because she shot herself in the chest with a shotgun. She's a mother of three and has been treated for Post Partum Depression with each child. She hid her symptoms from her family and only presented to her husband, who didn't take her seriously.
So the next time you think someone should just suck it up, I think you should ask yourself if this is one of the mothers who commits suicide every year due to PPD and Post Partum Psychosis.
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alissawins Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 2:51 AM
ok that is not at all what i meant. i definitely agree that if someone is suffering, a diagnosis is important, because it can help them get the help they may need. what i meant was just because you have depression after having a child, i dont think it always needs its own special diagnosis of post partum depression. can they not just diagnose you with 'regular' depression? the thoughts and feelings can be generally the same, right? i've suffered with depression most of my life, and all though it 'clears up' at times, i'd say i have some degree of depression right now, but i dont think its post partum depression. just depression popping up again.
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June 8th, 2010 - 12:24 PM
Wow… I just randomly found your blog out of sheer boredom at work and too much clicking around on my TweetDeck, and I have to say, as a woman in my fifth month of pregnancy, this post made me a little teary-eyed. That’s probably just the hormones talking, but the real me definitely agrees with the sentiment behind my now hyper-active tear ducts. I find this post to be both inspiring and cautionary, and as a soon-to-be-mother, that’s just what I need. It’s so easy to find myself caught up in the whir of excitement with big ultrasounds and itty-bitty clothing, decorating the baby’s room and registering for a shower, that it’s easy to forget about the tough times ahead. Sure, we all have friends with the “just you wait” stories & the exasperated late-night Facebook status updates, but somehow, they easily get overlooked & even discarded during this honeymoon, anticipatory stage. The warm fuzzies have a strange effect on real life…
Thankfully, there are blogs like this, as well as the other two mentioned here (which I fully intend to delve into after this on recommendation of my Tweeps), to serve as another resource for us of the tingly-hearted, full-bellied masses in rose-colored glasses. Thanks for keeping it honest & holding onto our balloon strings so as to not let us drift too far off the ground.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:39 PM
Believe me, mama. It is worth it. And if you find yourself feeling down- know that it's normal- to a point. PPD is obviously real. I don't want to overshadow that. But for some new moms- they drink the PPD "kool-aid." Sometimes, the medical community is too quick to diagnose and we allow it. Sometimes, it IS something taking it's normal course, and sometimes, it IS PPD.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:37 PM
Ahhh! This is so good in so many ways, Emily. I needed to read this, you've posted at just the right time.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:39 PM
I read both posts. I feel sad for the women with PPD, and even more sad for the women without it who simply are unhappy. PPD is treatable, being unhappy you're stuck with. I've found motherhood to be incredible, and I'm not even lying. I'm a working mom and life is hectic as hell, but I love it. I love my son more than words can even express, and my husband and I are having SO much fun with him. (he's 8 mos old now) We can't wait to have another!
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:45 PM
I feel you. I suppose that's why people think I'm crazy. I planned my first-sidelined by twins just 13 months later- and if Money wasn't tight I'd be in there for round three already. I love it.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 7:45 PM
ps: why did I capitalize money? That was weird.
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Kristi Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 3:52 PM
Did you really just have to ask yourself why you capitalized MONEY. Shit deserves all caps woman. I kid i kid.
June 8th, 2010 - 7:42 PM
First, I feel for the moms with PPD because I do think they are having a different experience. With that said, as a mom who doesn't have PPD, I relate more to your post than the other 2 you mentioned. You're right, motherhood is sometimes awesome and sometimes shitty (pun intented). I don't feel like anyone ever lied to me about motherhood, it's more like all the stuff I heard before, about babies being a lot of work, about parents needing to make a lot of sacrifices, now I'm like OOOOOHH those people were SO RIGHT! Example: you always hear how new parents are so sleep deprived but I had no idea it was possible to survive on so little sleep until I became a mom! But then, I also had no idea how fun it would be to have a son. When my son was still a newborn, I told my dad that I was getting no sleep and no time to myself, and his response was, "welcome to parenthood" – and I remember his words all the time when I'm doing something I don't want to do (wiping away poop, washing bottles, etc.) same way you remember your dad's line about the big girl panties.
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June 8th, 2010 - 7:54 PM
I no way thought it would be easy. I was prepared for the lack of sleep and vomit and poop, and all of that expected stuff.
What I was unprepared for was the feelings and emotions. I don't really think being around other children and babies, or knowing what to expect from babies prepares you for feeling like a failure when your baby cries all day, or how tiny decisions can leave you guilt ridden ("OMG did I totally ruin my baby's chance at college because I didn't start reading to him in the womb?")
I have never felt lied to though, I knew it was going to be demanding, and honestly all it took was talking with my friends that already had kids to realize those feelings were normal and we are all pretty much winging motherhood.
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June 8th, 2010 - 8:07 PM
You know? I see both sides of this. I didn't think motherhood was easy. I expected things to not go my way. But I didn't think that I would react to it the way that I did. I didn't know that a child who doesn't nap could drive me batshitcrazy or that there would be days when I would be tired and grumpy and wouldn't want to be THERE.
I don't think I was lied to though & I don't think that it equals PPD either. When I've felt like I wanted to run away, I've been able to bounce back from it with some retail therapy, a hot bath with a glass of wine, or by reading blogs and realizing that what I was feeling is normal and maybe even finding the funny in it. My heart breaks for the people who only feel the lows or think that they are failing somehow for not feeling bliss 24/7. I don't want to make light of what they're going through, but when I say things like, it's hard but it's everything I want in or it's exactly where I want to be, I mean it. It is hard. I didn't know I could be rattled so easily by someone so tiny and bald, but it's OK.
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June 8th, 2010 - 8:15 PM
Emotion is normal, you're absolutely correct. Highs and lows of emotion are at the core of what makes us human. But with a mood DISORDER, the experience of those emotions (i.e., mood) is very different. The norm is to return to a balance of emotion over time. Those with a mood DISORDER do not. The lows become overwhelming, and/or the highs become mania. The experience you describe is textbook normal mood. Highs and lows that ultimately balance out. Congratulations, you do not have a mood disorder.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 8:24 PM
umm, thanks? I'm not sure what you mean by this- since I understand everything you've written. My point as that sometimes people second guess their "normal" as something else.
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Lisa Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 12:09 AM
What I mean is that clearly you do not understand mood disorders. The more I think about this post, the more I think it has the potential to do some real damage. So many women suffer in shame, alone, putting on a happy face, trying to man up, when they really need to be asking for help (medical or otherwise.) Your post is vicious and can really serve no good purpose.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 4:13 PM
I apologize that you feel that way because it was not my intention.
Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:57 PM
I disagree with Lisa. I think it served a lot of great purpose. Along with mine. I've received several personal messages thanking me for helping them realize that this is parenthood, and that now they are not scared to have a child because they have had such fear of PPD from reading blogs lately.
Melissa Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 6:47 PM
I'd say I have to agree somewhat with Lisa. Here's the deal- there are normal emotions (highs and lows) and then there are mood disorders (EXTREMELY overwhelming feelings, mania, etc). These mood disorders are NOT "normal". It seems you have not experienced the latter (which is a blessing, trust me). But DO KNOW that there are people who have and do. THIS is where compassion and a deeper understanding must come in. I challenge you to open up a little to this possibility and extend empathy to those who are struggling. Thanks for reading!
Morning Song Support Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 11:04 AM
I also agree with Lisa. While it is important to respect a persons freedom of speech, and their opinions, this post has the potential to do a lot of damage. Unfortunately, the people who are hurt by kind of extreme sentiment are precisely the people who need help the most. As some have mentioned those who suffer from PPD and the more extreme Post Partum Psychosis are already feeling extreme emotions which alter their perceptions. They can't handle how they are feeling and trust me when I tell you these people are not themselves in the moments, days and weeks that the disorder drags on for. Many can and do hide their symptoms, out of shame and the feeling of fear and inadequacy that opinions like the ones you've shared give them. "Suck it up." It doesn't work.
As I've mentioned in another reply, I have a family member, mother of three, the youngest under a year old who is in critical care with a hole in her chest, missing a lung and the use of an arm as a result of using a shotgun on herself. She'd been treated for post partum depression with all three of her children and hid her symptoms from everyone but her husband who didn't take her seriously. Suck it up, didn't work for her. Even now, she can't remember why she did it. She is angry, confused and maimed for life.
I would just like to point out, that there are those who suffer in silence and end their lives and the lives of their children because they couldn't get help, or their symptoms were overlooked or worse sneered at. These disorders are completely treatable and each life taken is senseless.
Does everyone have PPD or Post Partum Psychosis to this degree? Certainly not, but can you be certain that the person you are talking to or someone who reads this doesn't?
June 8th, 2010 - 1:26 PM
I loved this post. You and Kristi both had great things to day. My heart goes out to the women who truly do have PPD and don’t get to have the same amazing motherhood experience that I do.
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June 8th, 2010 - 8:32 PM
I have to admit that when I first read this post I was all , "OMG! Oh no she didnt!" all over twitter (and my living room) but now that I have had time to cool off and really process what you said I can see you have a valid point. Sometimes you do just have to "put your big girl panties on" and get the job done whether you WANT too or not. That is part of being an adult. But–when you have a mood disorder you cannot just "man up" and make it go away. It is completely debilitating. No matter how hard I tried to think my way out of depression, it didnt work. Would you tell someone with diabetes to "man up" and get over it? Depression and anxiety is not something we ask for. It is not something we can control. For some of us, medicine is the only thing that helps us feel normal. My medicine does not prohibit me from feeling the "highs" or "lows" that you speak of. I just feel a normal range of emotions, rather than going from extremely low to a little bit low and back again. So that is the part of your writing that pissed me off. Other than that, we are all good! : )
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 8:56 PM
I wasnt saying the medication prevented your feelings. I was saying that sometimes, those feelings don't have to equal PPD. Sometimes, it does. And sometimes medication is necessary.
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June 8th, 2010 - 8:40 PM
Thanks for offering your candid opinion. It’s one I can identify with, because I was feeling a little “well, what did you expect?” after reading Blair and Allison’s posts…and then feeling guilty for feeling that way. It’s not that I don’t feel for them, because I do…and I absolutely think that PPD changes the experience of motherhood in ways that can’t be understood unless you’ve traveled that road…but at the same time, it just seems a little naïve to expect motherhood to be anything BUT an ever-changing landscape of emotional peaks and valleys. Some days are complete and utter crap and other days are just full of win…but I accepted that would be the case long before I made the decision to get pregnant. I never had a “big picture” of motherhood and maybe that’s why I haven’t been disappointed by it, but that’s not to say it’s been wonderful and fulfilling every minute either. For me, it has always been a “day by day” kind of thing, where some days I feel like I absolutely CANNOT do it anymore…until I just do. I think that’s true about virtually everything in life.
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June 8th, 2010 - 9:00 PM
I don't quite know where to begin. First off, great post. I pretty much feel the same way you do regarding manning up. I wasn't blindsided by parenting. I never suffered from PPD. There are times when it really sucks, but I knew it would be like that going into it. I would not trade being a mom for anything.
For Blair and Allison, and all the other mamas out there suffering from PPD, I can't even imagine what they are going through, but I have such respect and admiration for their courage to talk about it.
This is one of the great thing I love about the mama-blogger community…we are all on different journeys and we all have our own stories and we are all still here for eachother!
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June 8th, 2010 - 9:19 PM
I just want to say: thank you. I am not a mother yet, but as I approach that time in my life where my husband & I are talking about having a baby in the future, I get scared. I have been depressed for much of my life, & I just assumed that with having a child, PPD (in some form) would come along with it. This is something I've never said out loud, just thought quietly to myself. And still, PPD might be there & I might have to bash its ugly head in, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. It's just SO refreshing to read this & know that for many people, you can just MAN UP & put on your big girl panties & even when you are covered in baby poop know that you are exactly where you need & want to be (maybe not at that particular moment, but overall).
I think it's a lot like marriage. Are there times when it's hard & I think "I wish I wasn't here"? Of course. But overall, I know that I am exactly where I need & want to be, & anything else is just The Crazy talking.
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Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:58 PM
Lauren, I'm not sure if you will see this or not but I just wanted to say that I've suffered from depression & anxiety for almost 10 years, and I have no signs of PPD. So it will just have to be a road to cross in the future but, I just wanted to let you know that if you do have depression bouts it doesn't automatically throw you into PPD once you have a baby. =)
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June 8th, 2010 - 9:23 PM
Not to be a total comment slut but I have another comment. Does anyone have any research on whether or not a genetic predisposition for PPD/A exists? I do understand it is an illness, and one that has to do with far more advanced biological detail than I'm prepared to understand, but are the moms who buy personal Dopplers and play classical music to their bellies and don't touch a drop of coffee for the whole nine months displaying indications they may have trouble adjusting to the realities of motherhood?
Because it seems to me – from my unscientific review of these comments – that a lot of moms feel overwhelming guilt and stress over decisions that, frankly, I simply don't worry about. Babies cry. Kids fall down. Some people grow up to be bus drivers and some people grow up to be president and all I can do is my best – which seems good enough at least 90% of the time. Is there a scientific reason none of those thoughts bother me? Is it a personality type thing? Different brain chemistry? Do we just read totally different blogs and therefor have totally different expectations? If anything, motherhood is LESS stressful and LESS horrifying than I imagined. I mean, my treasured signed copy of Dooce's book is called "It sucked and then I cried". There's so little sugar coating in there it can make your mouth pucker. Maybe if the signs are already there beforehand, those are the women who can be more closely monitored and supported so they don't have to suffer for very long – or at all.
I suppose in the future all we can hope is fewer moms feel lied to or unprepared thanks to bloggers like you and so many others who DON'T hide anything – the good or the bad. And that the moms truly suffering from PPD/A find the support they need from the blogging community.
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Caro Reply:
June 12th, 2010 at 4:25 AM
i looked up PPD in the DSM (diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, which is what mental health clinicians use to diagnose disorders). here's the deal:
1. it's not it's own diagnosis. it's a subtype of either: major depressive disorder (single episode or recurrent), or bipolar disorder. it can come with or without psychotic features (hearing voices, hallucinating, paranoia, etc)
2. people who have postpartum onset depression are diagnosed within 4 weeks of delivery
3. this happens in about 1:500 to 1:1,000 births
4. women who have had one episode of PPD with psychotic features have a 30-50% chance of having it in a subsequent delivery
5. women with a past history of a non-postpartum mood disorder or a family member with one are at an increased risk of having PPD. the increase in chances is the same as it is for having any other mood disorder (1.5 – 3 times more likely)
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June 8th, 2010 - 9:31 PM
Thanks for writing this and I have to say with three kids you are amazing balls. I have not had PPD but I know that "regular" motherhood has it's ups and downs and in betweens. Some days are great and then you can have a week of wth is going on in my life. I had no expectations of what motherhood would be so I figured that I would just wing it. And I do. Everyday. My favorite "wing it" are my breakfast bars. You might know them as rice crispy treats. My point is that maybe sometimes we've got to go to the beat of our own drum. Too much pressure to be "perfect" and socially acceptable. We feel the need to do cloth, organic, wrapped, sauteed, steamed then rolled gently into a burrito. Wait what? Do what works. If that means take some short cuts then do it.
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June 8th, 2010 - 9:42 PM
i get what you're saying for sure. i knew what motherhood was going to entail, but it was still a shock to the system once it was happening. i knew i wouldn't get sleep, knew it would be HARD, knew there would be crying, etc. that being said, when it arrived it was still harder that i imagined. was i prepared? yes. was it still crazier than everyone said it was? yes. is it BETTER than i had imagined? yes!
we all have moments when we need to step away, like you said. i've done the same thing you have – handed the kid off and drove away for a bit (menthols, what what?). for us, that helps. for others, who are suffering from a real disorder? it doesn't. at least not for long. it's just hard for you or anyone else to say to someone in completely different shoes to just feel differently. i suppose i'd understand the post more if were directed at people who just complain about how hard motherhood its all day, but since you say it's in response to Blair and Allison, i think it's kind of hurtful – if that makes sense. i mean, i can't speak for them obviously, but if if this were a post about me, i'd be offended to be told to man up when i'm battling something bigger than me. yes, being unprepared for motherhood is not PPD. but the difference is, both women have been diagnosed with PPD. and i think that by getting help and blogging their emotions on the road to being better mamas, both Blair and Allison are putting on their big girl panties.
you and i are OG at being blog buddies, so i hope you don't take offense to my .02. like Blair said up there, this is what blogging is all about. different perspectives and whatnot. :] xo
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 9:58 PM
It wasn't at ALL meant to be hurtful. The common thread which caused me to link their posts was that they both said they felt LIED TO. As I have responded to like, ALL the comments- I think both of these women are so strong and wonderful for sharing their struggle with the world. I do. I just think that sometimes OTHER women see these struggles and second guess themselves. Part of what they are going through IS normal, while the other part isn't. This post was directed at people who are questioning if they REALLY have PPD. At people who complain too much. At people who just need that reality check before actually getting knocked up. It just so happened that both of these girls wrote about not finding motherhood to be what they expected OUTSIDE of the fact that they have PPD. PPD=real issue that needs a voice. Me= saying that not every bad day equals PPD. Me= saying that maybe people are too quick to jump at the diagnosis. NOT in regards to Blair & Allison. IN GENERAL.
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mandy Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:18 PM
totally get what you're saying. from an outsiders perspective it sounds like you're speaking to them because the way it starts out. obviously knowing ALL of you i know you aren't dogging on them (also, you point out in the post that you love and respect them). i suppose i just put myself in the shoes of someone who has PPD instead of someone who doesn't – if that makes sense?
and your replies need to be clicked on to read, so sorry, i didn't see any of them! like i said…#kindaspecial.
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Joanna Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 2:28 AM
I do have to agree with Mandy. I get what you are saying and I agree with the whole perspective of it because that is motherhood how I see it. However, I don't always have big girl panties and my feelings probably would have been pretty hurt reading this. Luckily, as much as they may not realize it themselves, Allison & Blair are super strong and I think it is amazing that they didn't seem to take this as being hurt and just took it as another perspective on motherhood. That, in and of itself, is full of the awesome.
June 8th, 2010 - 9:54 PM
I have to say THANK YOU for posting this! I read your post along with three others about this same topic today. To be honset the others made me think twice about ever wanting to be a mom. But, reading yours shows that it is worth it. Thank you!
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June 8th, 2010 - 10:15 PM
i dont read your blog very often but now i think i might add you to my daily reads. There are some days where i feel depressed and the world is spinning around me but after i get through it and kiss that babe, i know i want more kids. Its hard but really youre right. When you become a mom you do put your big girl panties on. PPD is a mental illness so i can understand how they have it hard. But there are so many people out there who use it as an excuse to not be a mom and THAT is not right. MAN UP.
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June 8th, 2010 - 10:18 PM
I found your post through a tweet of Blair's, and I have to say, I agree with you.That being said, I also think that comparing a mom with PPD/A to a mom without is like comparing apples to horses–they aren't the same things at all. For the mom's who don't have a mood disorder or PPD/A, I think often motherhood falls into the same trap as the fairy tale relationship. We're told this fairy tale our whole lives about prince charming, or the lovely days of being a mom, and IF you don't take the time to figure out that real life can be different it can be a real wakeup call.
On the PPD/A side, I think that there are a lot of people who are blindsided by it. My husband got 5 different conversations from my OB, my pediatrian, and several people in the hospital about warning signs, etc. I think lots of other people aren't that lucky. And if you aren't, I can see how you start to question your entire existance as a mother. Because if you think that this is normal, or what everyone is going through, or all your life is destined for now…that's going to be hard. Beyond hard actually.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:27 PM
I found that they asked if I was OK and had my husband looking for warning signs etc SO MUCH that even I thought "well, shouldn't something be wrong by now? I have three kids why aren't I depressed!?" The pediatrician asks at every appt. So does my doctor. it's almost frightening because I feel like maybe my normal feelings AREN'T normal. Even though I know they are.
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Ginger Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:03 PM
Yeah, actually, my mom started just getting on my nerves, and I started worrying, like you, that I WASN'T being normal. But what WAS nice about it was that 1)my husband knew it wasn't something to gloss over if it started to happen and 2)I knew what to look for. Since this was my first, it was nice to know the difference between "normal" bad days and "non-normal" bad days.
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June 8th, 2010 - 10:58 PM
this is a really good post, but i feel it's a bit one sided. i knew motherhood was going to be hard – i hated while i was pregnant that all the focus seemed to be on the actual birth, you have birthing classes and all these books about it and everyone asks you about your birthing plan – but no one talks about actually parenting!
even though i was expecting no sleep, and crying babies and all that good stuff i still found it a shock to the system.
but for me it was more than that. i have only recently being diagnosed with post natal (as we call it here in australia) depression and have just started taking medication. i haven't really told anyone about it and still don't know how i feel about all of this… but i do know my experience was that i couldn't just 'man up' and after months and months of trying to 'man up' swallow my feelings and get on with it, i found myself doing worse not better.
i've come to the conclusion that some people just love to complain no matter what.
but others (like myself) have a chemical imbalance in their brain – my doctor told me it's a side effect of pregnancy – something i can't fix on my own. i don't want to start a whole debate about ppd or pnd as at the moment it's all still too raw for me – i just wanted to put it out there that needing to 'man up' and having ppd are so so so so different.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 4:11 PM
Yes, I was kind of addressing two things. I think you need to look at your feelings, depression etc. If you can “man-up” it’s probably not a mental issue to begin with. That said- if you cannot “man-up” I am 100% behind and supportive of women seeking help. I am not ANTI PPD awareness. I am basically trying to say that not all sadness and depression does PPD make. And not being prepared also does not a PPD diagnosis make.
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June 8th, 2010 - 4:00 PM
As someone who has PPD/PPA there is a lot even I don’t understand. I don’t understand how someone could hurt their baby when putting them in a crib and walking away is an option. It’s just not something I understand. That doesn’t mean it’s not real and doesn’t happen. I just don’t understand it.
It’s not all cookie-cutter wah poor me I don’t sleep. My middle is 2yrs old and doesn’t sleep more than 2hrs in a row. So, when people bitch that their 6mo old ONLY slept 4hrs in a row, I think they’re just whiny brats. Boo hoo for you and you’re 4hrs. I got thà t all last week. So what?
I do agree with the others…there are no highs. And, to be blunt, the encompassing love isn’t there for me. Because I’m too busy trying to function on 5hrs of sleep a week and 500 calories a day. I was NOT prepared for the starvation effect of having 3 kids in 23mo. Because people complain about gaining weight after kids. I never thought the opposite would be true.
But, I agree, there are a lot of poor me, my kid only slept 3hrs. Ya. Sucks to be you. Come live with me and get that 3hrs over the span of 3 days and then sprinkle in not sitting down to eat. Ever.
(I am having a dinner of Sun Chips because, hello, I went back to work and get a DINNER BREAK….working has made a HUGE difference in my life.)
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June 8th, 2010 - 11:54 PM
wow. as pat an answer as you have PPD you must because you are a mom. Yes bad feelings are over medicated. As much as parenthood and motherhood is a roller-coaster ride of joy and frustrating mingled in with laughs and tears. Postpartum depression and clinical depression are not that. That actually has medical name "maturity blues" which is different.
PPD can lead to mothers being inconsistent with the care of their baby or total neglect. It can lead to suicide, self inflicted harm, harm of another person (including the baby). If untreated it can lead to Postpartum psychosis which can include hallucinations. PPD has physical symptoms including frequent headaches, chest pain, rapid heart beat, numbness, shakiness or dizziness, and shortness of breath. Anxiety attacks.
A rapid heart beat can be natural occurrence or signs of a heart condition.
Sadness can be a natural part of mother hood or signs of a larger more serious condition.
Part of putting on your big girl panties is finding out which it is and dealing with it. Not just assuming. Not just brushing it off and not just medicating because it's easier.
by the way everyone should have their big girl panties on BEFORE having a baby.
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June 9th, 2010 - 12:02 AM
I knew something was serious when my thoughts started getting irrational. When I – a person who has never suffered from mood disorders, mental illness or depression of any kind, and have ALWAYS had fantastic coping mechanisms – found myself sitting on my bathroom floor with a fist-full of pain medication ready to kill myself… I knew something was far worse than just being sad or overwhelmed. But I did exactly what you said: put my big girl panties on and plowed through to the other side. It took strength that I didn't know that I had… but that's the point – I had it all along. It was being pushed down under the water of irrational behavior.
But I totally agree. Being a mother and parenting has not been a surprise. Nothing has really shocked me as far as raising a kid goes. It's been pretty on-the-mark. Sleepless nights, frustration, lots of crying, mountaintop highs and depths of hell lows. It's all been textbook, really. It's actually shocked me at how fun it is, to be honest. I love that every day is a new adventure. Some of the adventures totally suck, but it's new and exciting nonetheless. I figure I have 2 options: I can complain about it and make myself and everyone around me miserable (which your kid can pick up on), or I can embrace the crappy and treat every moment that I have with my son like it's the greatest gift I've ever received
I'll always choose the latter.
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June 9th, 2010 - 12:10 AM
I was reading some of the replies and responses, and I wonder if some (not all) of the thoughts that some commenters are having are because people do hold back even when they are trying to open up about it. It may seem like what we're saying sounds like a normal day, but people may not feel comfortable telling the whole story. Because I know that I personally haven't shared most of what I really feel because that's really scary. And telling details just means I'm giving people ammo to hold against me. I actually don't disagree that PPD can me misdiagnosed or over-diagnosed. And maybe part of that is the consequences of not treating it can be pretty bad. But I think that thinking a blogger is sharing everything about what they are feeling and what is happening is dangerous, because I can bet in most cases…we're holding back.
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June 9th, 2010 - 12:17 AM
I only recently found your blog, and I think things like this need to be written in all the books women read before their baby is born.
I, too, am a little shocked that there are people who are completely not expecting parenting to involve awful, awful days. I mean, it's life, right? Life sucks sometimes, and surprise, surprise, having kids sometimes sucks, too.
I also agree that actual PPD is a serious problem that needs to be addressed, and isn't just a label that anyone can apply to themselves because they're having a shitty day. Like a previous poster said, it's different when you can't just 'man up', and you don't feel the lovely high moments of parenthood.
I had pretty awful depression before my son was born, and though I was feeling a lot better during the pregnancy, I was afraid of slipping back into it after he arrived. But I didn't. On those days where I hadn't had any sleep and it was freezing and I was struggling to breastfeed and I wondered what the hell I had done, I cried, I kept going, and I kept telling myself that it was just a bad moment, there will be more, but there will be much better times, too.
If someone feels overwhelmed occasionally because parenting is harder than what they were expecting, and thinks there's something wrong with them, they obviously need to grow up.
But if it just feels awful all the time, no matter what they were expecting, that's another issue.
Thanks for the interesting post, and for really speaking your mind.
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June 9th, 2010 - 12:38 AM
I love Blair and recently started following Allison. I daily think of them and their struggles and honestly hate for them and the many other bloggers I follow the uncontrollable emotions that they daily deal with. But, on the flip side, I deeply respect you candor in the other side of motherhood, my side of motherhood. I, too, have had to run away to have my alone time because I had been SCREAMED. AT. ALL. DAY. and my idiot dogs shredded the Cosco size toilet paper lot I bought while I was trying to calm said screaming child. So I was left with a screaming child, bits of tp everywhere and no tp to wipe with. I wanted to freak out for a moment and then I got it together, I put my big girl panties on if you will. I may have cried and screamed but I bounce back. I am not sick. I think in the movement of PPD awareness every new mom wonders or is accused of having it at one point. Personally, I prefer it this way so that the ones who need help can get it but I also think we as a society need to realize that the majority of new moms are ok. They are hormonal, they have been mutilated either in the vag or belly, they are sleep deprived, they miss their former self sometimes and they will most likely yell when to everyone else it appears unnecessary. My husband yelled for me to get checked for PPD when I was moody 2 weeks post pardum. Never mind that I was tired, a new mom, hormones are waked way out and ps I am living with your parents who are full of parenting advice. I don't blame him for the thought, it was the only thing the dr ever talked to us about after baby boy was born. Not once did they tell me not to have sex or exercise or anything but we were up on PPD. I guess they just assume we all read enough to know the basics. PPD and the other disorders that fall along those lines are horrific, they steal motherhood from women who did not deserve it. But, the rest of us, the healthy ones need to be reminded that we do bounce back and to get over it. We got it so much better.
Thanks for reminding me that, I need it sometimes. New follower after today!
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June 9th, 2010 - 1:02 AM
I am soooo very thankful for your post. I don't know ANY moms (besides my mom) that feels the way I do about motherhood….and that is exactly how you feel. Your post totally put my thoughts of motherhood into words. All of my closest mommy friends feel the opposite way….just really negative about everything and totally caught off guard when they had a baby. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I can never just talk to someone that feels the same way that I do. It seems like now within the mommy community alot of times its weird to absolutely love being a mom. Again I am so glad you posted this and totally agree with you. Being a mom is very hard, but it is all about your attitude ( excluding those with disorders of course) it can make all the difference.
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June 9th, 2010 - 2:05 AM
Ok, big breath… I'm going to write this. I commented on Kristi's blog and said Thank You. And I'll do it here too. I do not doubt the sincerity or realness of anyone diagnosed with and dealing with PPD. I believe that these women are suffering a great deal. But I do also see that it has become trendy. I want to reiterate that I am by no means saying this about anyone in particular and not in regards to Blair or Allison at all.
Its such a hard thing for me… I'm constantly worried about posting on people's posts because I don't know what to say. I don't have sound advice and I don't really have anything to contribute to people that are suffering.
But at the same time, I'm so grateful for your perspective, because that is the life that I'm leading. I do truly love motherhood. Really, most of the time- it is puppies and rainbows for us. I mean, we have our really hard dark times. Especially in the beginning when I couldn't stop crying for two weeks straight and when I literally started hyperventilating about taking Madison for her second PKU that I had to reschedule it because I gave myself a panic attack. But I am incredibly lucky, even when she was in a freaking cast she has always been such an easy baby. So really, the ride has been great. But I also do have dark times. Times when I have told my BABY to shut up because I could not handle one more second of crying. Or times when Clint walked in after a long day at work and I handed him the baby and never took her the rest of the night.
I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this nonsense is I like the parts of your post that I can relate to in terms of my motherhood experience and I wish I had something thoughtful to contribute to those that are suffering or I wish I had more of an understanding of what they are going through because I feel like sometimes it seems like I'm ignoring them when really I don't know what to say.
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Miranda Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 2:20 AM
I'll go out on a limb and say that *most* mothers with PPD/A, when they ask for advice, or when they seem to need help, aren't only wanting that advice from other PPD/A sufferers. I know that I'd welcome the advice of ALL moms when I need help and ask for it, because asking for advice is about asking for perspectives different from my own. And in fact, one of the reasons I love reading blogs is because I can read that "hey…their life isn't perfect either…" and, despite the fact that I'm suffering, it gives me hope.
You DO have things to contribute. All of you who aren't suffering have something to contribute. Honesty. You've all said the same things–it's great, but sometimes it sucks. It doesn't always suck for me. There are definitely great times. I think any mom suffering from PPD/A would agree with me. The difference between those of us who are genuinely suffering and those of us who aren't is that those of us who are suffering aren't always able to easily shake the "suck" days. They stick with us.
But, an honest look at a day in the life of someone who has "sucks" days and is able to get past it is good. It's healthy for some of us to see. And it's good for those of us who are going "Is this normal?" to see posts like this and go "yeah..okay…this is normal…" (and anyone who's ever been around the Tri boards or the month boards on the bump knows that the question "Is this normal" never goes away…)
Basically, all of you who've posted here that you agree with emmie, don't be scared of those of us here who've been vocal about our PPD/A. We're all in this together.
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Joanna Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 2:26 AM
Well I'm glad that for those of you with PPD/A, hearing that the rest of us have really awful days helps because its true. I mean, by no means does my 8.5 month old make me any sort of reliable source on the matter. But sometimes I want to put her in a basket that says "free to good home" but only sometimes and I would want her back like right afterward
.
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June 9th, 2010 - 3:13 AM
I don't have enough time to read all the comments so forgive me for that, but.
1. I love you. Good for you for not letting other mom's opinions etc. of motherhood influence yours. That is awesome that you are rising above it and aren't ashamed to declare it to the world.
2. I'm not so sure about the 'man up' statement. Everything in that first paragraph is, well, just stuff. Poop? Please. Outlets and juggling 73 things with one hand and a babe with the other? Ain't no thing. But the demon, the crazy woman, the helpless piece of trash that motherhood turned me into? You could have shouted in my face that that's what motherhood would be like and there's no way in hell I would have believed you. It's not the stuff, it's me. (Insert statement about how I'm not sure if it's the PPD talking or a normal woman. Those lines are blurred. Like I said.)
3. "I think being not mentally prepared for the challenges of parenthood is NOT PPD. It’s not. It’s not a reason to medicate." No, but wanting to hurt your child IS. PLEASE don't assume or diagnose someone's mental health based on what they do or do not share on their blog. Good Lord. I would not (nor, do I hope would most women) confuse being frazzled, exhausted and under-showered with having disdain for my own off-spring and wishing them harm.
Now before I say something else I will regret, I am going to finish this comment with an I love you. Because I do.
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June 9th, 2010 - 3:17 AM
I'm not going to speak to the subject matter, as I feel that the black, white, and shades of gray have all been covered, but I do want to tell you that I truly admire you as a blogger, as a writer, and as a mother.
It isn't easy to be candid and open, especially when you realize that your words could be easily misconstrued and relationships could be strained. It takes courage to share your thoughts in the face of that.
Your writing shows honesty and integrity. I have so much respect for that.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:05 AM
This is me, copying my comment from 1 blog to another like a lazy asshole whose kid had already been asleep for 2 hours, and who should go to bed
Thanks for saying all this – both you and Kristi (see I at least remembered to change the names!). I know I am a whiney ass bitch sometimes about all this mommyhood, but I am not surprised by it. Am I surprised by HOW hard life is to manage when I don’t sleep for 9 consecutive days? Yes, yes I am. I’ve never gone that long without sleep before now. Am I surprised that Everly chooses not to sleep for 9 days? No not really (well only to the extent I don’t get how it’s physiologically possible).
In any event, every time I complain (which we SO all know is a fuck lot) I get a rash of messages about PPD, and how I sound like I have it. I SO TOTALLY appreciate people looking out for me, I do. And I know it’s possible, like why not? But I hate to think that just because on night (or day, who the hell knows) 8 of the sleep strike, I am no longer overjoyed by my child's smile at that moment, it means I need therapy and medication.
I am manic if nothing else, and my highest are really goddamn high because I feel my lows so harshly. This is a personality flaw more than a clinical condition. To those who truly DO suffer from PPD, my heart breaks. My BFF went through it, and it’s awful. However, I do feel the term is used to blanket a lot of things that are far from clinical. A lot of things that are just plain crazy motherhood.
So thanks to you and Krisit for being stronger than I am, and saying something about it!
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June 9th, 2010 - 4:54 AM
[...] 2. Emmie Bee’s I Have to Say This & It Might Lose Me Friends [...]
June 9th, 2010 - 12:03 PM
As someone who has suffered depression for a good portion of their life, I feel like I need to speak up.
Depression is scary. It's debilitating. And it's personal. Sharing it is huge.
And the thoughts that go through your head: Will someone think I am doing this for attention? Will someone think I am making this up? Are people going to tell me to get over it? Why am I sharing this again?
For me, the reason I shared it, was to let people know that they were not alone in feeling depressed. And that you can be depressed and still lead a perfectly normal life.
But depression wears many faces and comes in many different forms. Even so, I can pretty much guarantee that anyone who has been brave enough to share their experiences has felt the very same emotions I did. That's why it pains me so much to see others questioning them and their feelings.
We don't know what goes on on the other side of the computer, granted. But to question someone's feelings or diagnosed depression is in essence, realizing some of their very fears.
You say 'I CAN'T say I know how you feel, because I DON'T'. If you haven't been there, then yes, YOU DON'T. So please, please don't call these feelings into question. Because they are real, they are scary and they are terrible. The only thing that we as bystanders can do is be there and offer our shoulder for support.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 3:46 PM
I absolutely am not questioning their diagnosis. I actually DO really care about the well being of all women- regardless of anything. I realize that these problems arise and that women are so brave for dealing with them.
As I've said in multiple comments- I worry that women who don't have the problem may feel as though they DO because half of what these women share IS normal. Which is my point. PPD- no PPD etc we all have the same struggles. While PPD sufferers have an exponentially harder time, we have all been there at one time or another. If anything, I thought that would HELP women who suffer from the illness that AT LEAST PART of their struggles are completely normal.
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June 9th, 2010 - 12:14 PM
I'm really surprised reading most of these comments, with women thanking you for sharing "the other side of the story." Yes, you do have a different perspective than the other two posters (I came to all three via links on Twitter). But their side was presented as, "This is how I feel, and it sucks, and I wish it weren't this way, but it is for me now." And your side was presented as, "You are LAME if you're not just dealing with motherhood and all it brings, and you're an IDIOT if you say you didn't know what was coming to you." And then you say that you're not attacking them. Pardon?
As a woman suffering infertility I don't have kids yet, but I hope and pray that I do someday soon. And I hope that when I do, I can "man up" and do what needs to be done and love it. But I also hope I don't look down on other women, women suffering PPD, and tell them that they're weak if they admit they're hurting and struggling.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 3:38 PM
I'm sorry that is what you took from this because it isn't what I intended it to portray. What I was addressing is both the sentiments that they felt lied to as well as that I wanted them to know that at least PART of what they are feeling IS normal. It's the part about not being able to "just get over it" that separates women with PPD from women who don't have it.
It was really more "hey! I sometimes feel just the way you described. You're feelings are pretty normal!"
Thanks for your comments.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:02 AM
[...] Allison, and Katie, I felt compelled to share my feelings. I have to go ahead and agree with Emmie Bee and I just wanted to give my two [...]
June 9th, 2010 - 1:18 PM
Wow!! I have been wanting to write this same post for about a month! I read the same two blogs and (I know this is probably going to sound terrible) sometimes it seems to me like PPD is in fashion. I know people are not choosing to come down with post-partum depression, but it just seems like a really big coincidence that so many mommy bloggers suffer from it.
I don’t get it. And I’m probably never going to really understand it unless it happens to me.
But you know what’s weird? Since it comes up soooo much in the blogs I read, sometimes I feel like I’m the one with a problem. When my baby cries, I don’t usually have a melt down, I don’t have to get in the shower and cry, I don’t need to run out of the house — I just ignore it. I mean, if he is fed, and clean, and I’ve done everything I can do to make him happy and he is still screaming, there is nothing I can do. Babies cry, that’s what they do. I was not surprised by it at all. Does that make me a bad mom?
You know what did surprise me? What blindsided me more than anything? The amount of love I have for my little guy. The fact that I completely changed my life for him, I gave up a ton of the things I used to do for him, and in the end? I’m happy. Happier than ever.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 3:48 PM
I am so glad others have the same experience that I have. That is awesome.
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June 9th, 2010 - 1:29 PM
If you want someone to know how much you "love" and support them, you don't put words together that slap them in the face. When you have NO IDEA. When you take something they've written and turn it into something that they weren't even saying. When someone says they are surprised by motherhood, by all of it, it does NOT mean they weren't educated, and they aren't forgetting to "man up," and they haven't lost their "big girl panties." C'mon. They are simply saying that there is NO WAY to know how it's going to feel ahead of time, and some of us feel things so deeply that it's beyond just choosing to get over it. That's because of a million things-different temperaments, personalities, hormone levels, every kind of physiological make-up. Not to mention that every situation is different with different people involved who all handle things differently. There's no way you can find a way to judge something that is SO unique to each person. But you did.
Allison's post wasn't even about PPD itself. Her post was a beautifully honest sharing of thoughts. She shouldn't have had to clarify, to give all the dirty details, because OF COURSE after posts like this, she felt she had to.
I don't understand the point of shouting to the internets "I don't feel like those mothers! LOOK at them! Aren't they clueless?" Because that IS what you did here and it makes me sad. I know Allison and she is nothing but good and honest and her experience is unique to HER and touches the hearts of women who struggle. If you don't agree (so strongly) don't NAME people. I just don't get it….
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Ryley Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 7:50 AM
Would you also imply that Heather should just be able to stop drinking whine and that her addiction is all in her head, and she's really not an alcholic just because she enjoys a couple glasses of wine?
Would you also imply that a pedifile is just someone who slipped up and can go back to loving his wife and not think about harming children??
Would you also imply that a murder just got a little angry???
Would you also imply that someone on the verge of committing suicide is just a litlte sad and should put on thier "big girl panties?" HEAVEN forbid you ever say something about them and push them over the edge.(oh, but as long as you end it with love, its okay…)
This absolutely outrages me.. and your love fest at the bottom… HORRIBLE. you should be ashamed of yourself, this is a HORRIBLE thing to do to someone who is hurting.
Shame on you.. If you don't know the feelings, then you dont have a right to judge. In fact, NO ONE has a right to judge.
He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." — that's you, right? PERFECT.. and without sin..
Sickening..
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EmmieBeeblog Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:18 PM
First: I am an atheist. So, the bible quotes are lost on me. I also have a whollllle lotttaaaa sin.
Second: There is a LARGE difference between PPD, Alcoholism & Murdering people. HUGE. While they all can stem from illnesses- I would hardly compare the other two to murderers. Sometimes, murders are JUST murders. I absolutely think it is sick that you'd lump people with PPD in that same category. I think you are just coming up with sensational things to make me look like an asshole when you didn't even really read what I said.
Three: The point I am making is DON'T CHEAPEN a real illness by labeling EVERYONE with it. I realize that both the ladies I mentioned earlier are dealing with real and scary issues. But, SOMETIMES women are just feeling normal emotions.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 4:25 PM
Well, first- I feel I do have a right to shout whatever I want to the interenets and people can choose to read them.
If you read my post- I said I thought Allison's post was AMAZING. Her post was uplifting and empowering for any mother- not just ones suffering from PPD. She said we was trying to MAKE IT what she expected and to a point it was helping. Her post was beautiful and made me happy.
The sentiment I was examining from BOTH posts is that they both said they felt lied to. I understand most women don't think about dealing with PPD BEFORE getting pregnant and I realize that can blindside you. But, this post wasn't JUST about them. It was the fact that Blair said something to the effect that women perpetuate the lies of motherhood by never showing the dark side. That we lie to each other. And for me? When I talk about puppies and rainbows and sunshine- for me I am not perpetuating a lie. For me- that is ACTUALLY what I feel. It hurts me that I am being called a liar for simply having a completely different experience. Some would call my situation easier. And in a lot of ways it is. I don't have the dark thoughts that I know some women have to face. But, I am also doing it TIMES 3- with my oldest being just 16 months. So, while I don't have PPD I DO have the experience of dealing with THREE infants on the daily . I think that gives me at least the authority to say "FOR ME IT IS SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM LYING TO ANYONE."
I hope that someday all the women who are suffering from PPD/A/P etc will find that happiness and be able to look back on parenthood and realize no one lied to them. That it real is that wonderful. That it WAS that wonderful. All women deserve the experience I have had.
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:15 AM
New commenter/reader. I too love your candor, and everyone's comments but I guess my first response is WOW. That's harsh. REALLY harsh.
Just to be open, I struggled with PPD and mine had psychotic episodes. I was certifiably crazy. Everyone told me to suck it up, and the little voices would go away. Even my doctors. Yep. My doctors. When I finally got where I needed to be, they couldn't believe I lasted as long as I did. I've been medicated and fine ever since. So while I understand the PPD from my first child, my second I was PPD free. It was like night and day. I know it's been said but I think it's dangerous to make such sweeping statements about a MEDICAL CONDITION that has a lot of bad press.
So from the other non-PPD perspective I think these comments perfectly point out why so many women struggle period. What happened to helping a woman out? Maybe she didn't grow up around kids, maybe she doesn't know…maybe, maybe, maybe. Why are we so quick to judge other moms and their experiences instead of sharing candidly, and offering love? I guess whether a woman has PPD or not isn't really the issue. Why would you respond to someone struggling with put on your big girl pants? Shut up, leave me alone? Um, I'm sorry but I just really think that's an awful response.
I guess what I'm saying is what you think you know may just be the tip of the iceberg. We're all just moms, human beings trying to wade through. Why be so terrible to one another? What does that do?
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EmmieBeeblog Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:27 PM
Thank you for your words. I suppose I have come off harsher than I thought. Because what I was getting at is:
I don't feel like I am lying to anyone by saying how much motherhood is sunshine and rainbows for me. I don't think I am perpetuating a lie. I feel sad that someone would say I am.
PPD does exist. It exists apparently way more than I knew- and in the blogging community specifically it seems to exist more than doctors know- because while I have read it is 15-20%, judging from these comments it's more like 50%. And I think that is what I was getting at. While some people have a REAL ISSUE that needs medical attention- some moms do need to just man-up. Not specifically the moms I talked about. Not anyone who is feeling so down that they cannot man up. I'm talking about the women who second guess how normal they are feeling. I'm talking about moms who see other's struggle and self diagnose based on NORMAL things. Things like feeling tired stressed and overwhelmed. It cheapens the people who actually have real illnesses by diluting it with people who are over diagnosed or self-diagnosed or just really need to man-up.
I of course never thought that my words would be so hurtful and for that I apologize. I have personally written to BOTH of the ladies I mentioned trying to explain what I meant but it appears that maybe the damage is done.
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milieuofme Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 8:54 PM
The whole "lying" about motherhood is an interesting topic. There are so many different things that bring us to that particular moment, where we are asked by a pregnant mom, or mom with a newborn about our motherhood experience. I've noticed with myself especially, even asking about my two kids would've brought distinctly different answers, and not just because I didn't have PPD with my second, but because my second's head doesn't spin 360 degrees like my first's did.
I think also you have to think about your community of friends. As a Christian, I too find that a lot of women will go on and on deliriously about how sweet and wonderful motherhood is, while effortlessly breastfeeding their cloth diapered baby, who doesn't interrupt church with his screaming. While my friends outside the church looked at it differently. "SLEEP NOW. WHILE YOU CAN." Oprah did a whole show on this three or so years ago, and the mom's were talking about how they felt lied to. I guess it just all depends on who you ask, on what day, and how THOSE parents kids are behaving at the moment. I don't think it's an issue of everyone being a liar so much as we need to be more open about the ulgy stuff too. Or at least mention it, or someone write a book or something.
I think that we just need to have these discussions as Moms, even if it brings out a few ugly emotions. Obviously some people are dealing with those.
Sorry that all three of you lovely ladies are now having to referee this.
I love Allison's blog (that's how I found your post) and I love Mom's who are real about motherhood. Even if it's a position I disagree on. I admit I had a visceral reaction upon first reading the post, but I think that's a lot my own personal demons of feeling bad I dealt with PPD it in the first place. Thanks for your apology regardless, but it's not your issue. It's mine.
I also get what you're saying about PPD. I guess for my personal taste…it's just too black and white of a position. I think it's a better service of all our time to have some patience and love for one another.
Your words weren't hurtful to me personally, so no worries there. I guess my concern is less cheapening the whole PPD issue, as my lovely little experience has no way of being cheapened.
It was VERY colorful and I'm even able to laugh at a lot of it now. It was more that PPD or not, expectations aside, life aside…motherhood is the best of times and the worst of times. Neither should be underestimated. The highs are highs, and perhaps the lows are PPD, or just taking a minute with a pack of smokes.
Again thanks for the healthy discussion and I'm sure that with some love and understanding everything will be fine.
Take care!!!
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June 9th, 2010 - 2:19 PM
wow I LOVE this post. Insanely good. Really. You are so right about how we choose this and we do have to suck it up. I have moments where I want to pull my hair out but the fact is the good out weights the bad and ive never been a complainer so why start now? Nothing good in life comes easy.
Can I get an Amen??
AMEEEN
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:44 AM
In part, I agree with what you said, but then again, I don't. I do agree that women should know that motherhood is tough. There are days where it is going to supremely suck: you're tired, they're screaming, you have no help and you just want to curl up in a corner and cry your eyes out. I don't understand when women are "surprised" by how hard it is… I think that the difficulty comes with the territory. It came naturally to me, and for that I am very thankful, but that doesn't mean I turn a blind eye to those that have had a harder time of it. For a woman diagnosed with PPD, "manning up" isn't possible. I think it's hard for people who have never experienced it to understand it fully, but it certainly doesn't just mean they're weak women who can't handle motherhood. It's a very real mental issue that requires attention and help. If it were that easy to get over, don't you think they would have?
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EmmieBeeblog Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:18 PM
I suppose that in itself is exactly the difference.
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:58 AM
and who are you to judge another woman's experience with motherhood (or to question her doctor's official diagnosis?)
what i have a problem with is that you presuppose other women's emotions/feelings/whatever about motherhood are on par with yours, and then you criticize them essentially for not putting their big girl panties on. there is no way you can know what another person's mental landscape is. you just can't. some people deal with life events a certain way and others don't (can't.) it's not a matter of them being "unprepared" or not. it's issues of hormones and genetics.
show some sensitivity, put YOUR big girl panties on, and stop judging.
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EmmieBeeblog Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:04 PM
You know- if you read my other comments I hope you would see that what you've taken away isn't what I meant.
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Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 7:37 PM
wow, its insane what some people take away from this and make up in their heads to what they think you mean. You weren't passing judgement on women with PPD. Sometimes mother's DO need to put their big girl panties on and deal with it. IF THEY CAN. Some times we need to push ourselves into doing things we don't really think we can do, for the sake of our family. Now, if you can't do that, thats where the issue is and you DO need to seek a doctor for help. And for that? No one is judging.
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:03 AM
I definitely have felt your same sentiments, about mothers needing to man up at times- when they wonder why they can never put the baby down, or they don't immediately (or ever) sleep through the night. It's like DUH. Babies are designed to be held, so hold them!, and stop looking for a short cut out of it.
BUT I do think, as a mother of four, I've been completely BLINDSIDED by things no one could have prepared me for- both good and bad. I had no idea how hard I'd love my child, there is no way to know this until you've gone through it, and the same for when a child is sick, when I was told no one knew how to help us, that he might never get better- BLINDSIDE.
Actually, every day in the mother 'hood there is a new situation that arises, and with each child having their own personality and my OWN SELF changing and growing – holy crap there is no map for this, it's all up to us, and when you combine sleep deprivation with whatever the heck else is going on in a person's life (motherhood or marriage related or not) you have a broken spirit that needs help. And needs lifting up. And even though you really want to tell them to Man Up, you instead hug them and offer a hand, and in that moment, YOU are the one manning up. For them.
Steph
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EmmieBeeblog Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 5:03 PM
You said this beautifully and I cannot disagree. Thank you for putting it so well.
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June 9th, 2010 - 4:35 PM
I think you've made some really good points here. I had PPD and I agree with you that it's definitely not the same thing as having a shitty day. Far from it. I no longer struggle with PPD but I do have shitty days now and then. I think the problem is, there was a day where nobody talked about depression, especially in mothers. Now everyone talks about it, which is a good thing most of the time. However, it also means some are quick to label other women who are simply in need of a break as all of us are now and then. We all want to help fix people and make them happy. My two cents.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 9:56 AM
LORI! THANK YOU. What you took away from what I have written IS EXACTLY what I was trying to say.
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Allison, O My Family Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 7:50 PM
I'd rather 40 women be medicated perhaps unnecessarily than for one more mom to end up on the evening news having killed her kids because she didn't know what to do and had never heard that there was help. There, I said it. I can see NO downside to PPD being talked about. There is NO such thing as too much talk about it if it means kids and moms who get to live their lives.
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June 9th, 2010 - 9:47 AM
can you please share the links of the two bloggers that you originally posted? i clicked over to their blogs yesterday and read their posts. i would like to read their blogs and learn more about PPD.
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June 9th, 2010 - 9:00 PM
I suspect Blair and Allison and many other moms who have felt a bit blindsided by the experience were aware of the struggles. We knew about sleepless nights and temper tantrums and sibling rivalry and potty training and all that stuff. We knew that there would be good times and bad times. What we didn't know, and what we are expressing, is how that would feel while we were in the thick of it.
I think it's fair for moms to express their surprise, PPD or no. It's not that they want out of their responsibilities. It's not that they want to change the course of their lives or undo having children. They're just struggling when they didn't expect to be, and expressing that struggle to their readers, who they expect and hope will support them.
It's great that you and your readers have had tons of experience with babies, and know yourself so well that you know how you'll respond, and have 'big girl panties'. The superiority and condescension in this post serve no purpose but to make the rest of us feel worse, and to compound the damaging competition between mommies.
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June 9th, 2010 - 9:32 PM
Thank you for taking out the links.
I don't generally get all riled up, but today I did. (I'm protective of Allison, I guess-not that she needs protecting, I just can't help it).
If the post had been as simple as, say, why are people shocked that motherhood is hard? I don't get it….
or something, that would be one thing…but the tone felt like a whole lot more than that.
I think so many of us get defensive because in the core of who we are there is this sacrifice that motherhood calls for that takes a little while to adjust to, and for many people that's really hard. Harder than for others. All of this does not have anything to do with PPD-that's a whole otha thing, but PPD was brought into it, so we all got confused.
I love what Steph said about not being prepared for how hard she would love her babies. Even just feeling that strongly about a little creature can exhaust us. And I don't think any book or advice or class or knowledge from friends and family can EVER prepare someone for the trenches. No matter what positive attitude someone has, there's no way to truly know what it's like until you live it. Some of us live stories that are full of medical scares, colic, loss, etc…nothing can prepare a woman for how that feels.
If this was about simply complaining about diapers and teething and potty training? I'm with you. We do need to man up and realize all the puke and poop and sleeplessness is just part of the deal. But like I said, the overall tone didn't feel like that's all you were referring to.
Please forgive my earlier rant. Like I said, it riled me up. And thank you again for taking out the names.
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June 9th, 2010 - 9:38 PM
I haven't read all the comments. I can appreciate what you're saying with this post. I had an extremely difficult time the first year (my son just turned one yesterday). Honestly, I think the bulk of it came from a very traumatic birth experience (failed induction turned C-section under general anesthesia). I had a hard time bonding with my son, and that shocked me. I loved him from the beginning, of course, but it was more out of a sense of duty than that soul-crushing LOVE that I feel now. I ended up seeing a therapist for depression – I was never really given that PPD label, but it was completely obvious to me, having experienced depression before, that I needed help. I couldn't "man up" and get myself out of the darkness – it just wasn't happening. I feel a LOT better now, thankfully!
I think you can know things about parenthood and prepare for it. Intellectually you can know that there will be times when you'd rather be eating a shit sandwich than dealing with your kid, but on an emotional level, I myself didn't "get it" until I was there in the trenches. I don't blame others for it nor do I really feel lied to – like preparing for the death of a loved one, you can't know what you will do or how you will feel until you're there right in the middle of it. It's like my husband says, "Life gives you the test first, then the lesson."
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June 10th, 2010 - 6:03 AM
I was never diagnosed w/ PPD, but after having my second child, I knew immediately that things weren't 'right' with my first. I never felt like I was shocked, but it took me about a year (and lots of crying, mood swings, and extreme weight loss) until I was back to myself with my first. However, I felt back to myself almost immediately after having my second child so I know there was a difference.
Aside from that, I think motherhood is like so many things that get distorted by our culture. Like many women's issues. We see paparazzi pics of celebs toting their babes with "perfectly" styled hair and make-up (no dark circles) and posing in swim suits just weeks after giving birth. And that's just scratching the surface. There are definitely societal pressures on women to be "perfect" stretch mark free mothers and I think that contributes to some women feeling blindsided. I just hope that those who do feel like they weren't prepared can find support that encourages them to believe in their natural ability to be a mother.
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June 10th, 2010 - 10:57 PM
I’m behind you all the way. You have a right to your opinion, and you ought never let anybody tell you anything else. Keep it up!
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June 16th, 2010 - 7:30 AM
well, to take your own words, i have to say this: you have no idea what you're talking about. you even said you haven't suffered from ppd, so no. you couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to want to end your own life because you can't stop thinking about walking out on your family. what it feels like to let your baby cry and cry, not because you don't know how to help him, but because you just can't bring yourself to care. what it feels like to look at your child and think, maybe i will love you more tomorrow.
ppd is not merely a bad week brought on by motherhood. it is a DISORDER, brought on by chemical changes in the brain. it's not something that you can just say "i'm gonna make myself better by having a postitive attitude!" to and sweep it under the rug. it is DEADLY. and ppd has NOTHING to do with cowardice or not "manning up". or even with not being prepared for motherhood. i am a damn good mother. my children are well-fed, educated, and loved. i was prepared from the very beginning. i knew exactly what to expect, and yet, i was blown away by the reality. and MY reality was obviously very different from your reality.
and i can't speak for anyone else, but when i say "why didn't anyone telling me about this?", other than the times when i'm being humorous, i'm not talking about frickin diapers. or screaming babies. i already knew about that, and i was prepared for that. i wanted to know why i had never heard anyone talk about postpartum depression, why no one had ever told me that they'd had it and come out alive.
but now that i read your post, maybe i understand a little better why i never heard about it. maybe the person who might have said something to me read or heard something like this, then thought better. because who wants to be judged like that? lucky for us, there are people like allison and blair who are willing to speak out, even when there is risk of recrimination from people like you. who don't understand, who KNOWINGLY speculate, who make assumptions.
i respect your right to an opinion. but there is a line. and you crossed it.
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Ashley Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 3:58 PM
GREAT GREAT GREAT reply.
I felt like getting in the car and just driving the fuck away… Never looking back.
I knew I wouldn't but GOD how I wanted too!
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June 16th, 2010 - 10:19 PM
Wow. I'm the mom of two kids. I've never had PPD or been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I have had to "pull up big girl panties" in more ways and in more situations than you can imagine and I don't discount the necessity of that in some situations, but holy shit, girl. I found this post to be excessively condescending and offensive. Depression is not a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of thing. You don't "snap out of" thoughts of suicide. Or thoughts of harming your child. THAT'S what PPD is, PPD or post partum psychosis. You don't wake up one day and go, oh WAIT. I guess I WAS aware I was going to be "pushing a baby out my vag" as you so delicately put it, and I'll just put my rainbow face on now, because I signed up for this! Bullshit. PPD is not about motherhood being hard. Everyone in the universe knows motherhood is hard. It's not about not realizing babies cry or breastfeeding is difficult, come on. These things are not surprises. But you know what might blindside a mom? The wild, uncontrollable fluxuation of hormones that make it impossible to even get out of bed. You can't fix that without medications. You don't get it, thank God, because I wouldn't wish the depression I've witnessed on anyone, but you don't get to the point where you pace back and forth in a pitch black bedroom holding a crying baby and the only way you know it's time to turn around and pace the other way is because you've walked into the wall because you "weren't prepared". You don't get to the place where you think putting a pillow over the baby's face to make her stop crying is an acceptable option because "breastfeeding is hard" and you can't find your "big girl panties". Women get to those places because they have a very real, very medically valid disorder. And you know what the saddest thing is about this post for me? You are helping to perpetuate the myth that women should suck it the fuck up no matter what they're dealing with. Put on some fucking lipstick and smile through it, hmm? What if a woman wallowing in depths of despair you can't even imagine got online finally seeking help for PPD and she found this post instead? You are okay with invalidating her issues? You're okay with her not getting help because you, who've had babies for a few months think you've got it all figured out? I'd think twice before preaching to that particular choir, sister. You're doing way more harm than good.
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June 17th, 2010 - 1:01 AM
I am so disappointed by the views expressed in this post. However- it is your blog- you are free to say what's on your mind.
I just think its so disappointing and sad that you feel PPD is some sort of cop-out for being ill-prepared as a parent. I struggled with PPD with my 1st child for well over a year. It's not all about wanting to harm your baby. Its feeling disconnected- feeling guilty- its a horrible, awful thing to experience- at such an important time of a woman's life. Its not about rainbows and butterflies- but you should be able to appreciate what has been given to you—- and you just at that moment… emotionally, cannot.
Doctors tried to get me to take medication, and its because of people with the views you've expressed that made me feel ashamed- made me question that if what I was going through was real or if I needed to "MAN UP" and was just this horrible person that I couldn't.
Its just sad is all…. and the chance that someone going through that may come across your post with these views is just heartbreaking.
Parenting is not easy. Its not. And PPD side- who is ever FULLY prepared?… seriously. Even beyond PPD- there are some times that we need to scream- or cry- and sometimes it just gets too much. We're Moms, we are human, we are entitled to be frustrated. To expect us to never complain or vent — is setting standards that are unfair.
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June 16th, 2010 - 7:29 PM
OK was blog hopping and apparently I missed the first post.. but even this one offended me.. Yes parenting is hard work but ya know what having a place to come and vent where someone understands you have had a craptastic day is nice. Blogging is one of those ways. If you don’t like what they have to say CLICK OFF.. it is very simple. Why go on your blog and rake women over the coals cause they are having a rough time and apparently have been diagnosed with PPD. Despite your disclaimer you are still basically saying some people are over dramatic. I can see that as well but who gave you the judgment gavel. AS a woman who suffered from PPD and SEVERE Panic disorder after the birth of my last child I can tell you I would wish NEITHER on my worst enemy. The desperation is overwhelming. It is not simply baby is having a rough day and is rying and I can’t get them to stop. Babies ofen react to OUR emotional roller coaster, which only makes our emotional roller coaster worse. We feel as if we are getting nothing right, even if it is something small. Then set in front of us over preaching moms who seem to think that we should just get over it and move on only exacerbates that. AS a mother I can totally relate. May you NEVER feel that panic and fear and pain of believing that your child would be better off without you as their mother..
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June 17th, 2010 - 4:20 AM
Uh…Wow. Just…wow. I think someone needs to step off of their high horse for just a second. I will start this out by saying that I didn't suffer with PPD after my baby was born. Sure, I cried (lots), and sometimes felt that I couldn't deal with it anymore…but those are pretty normal feelings, as far as I can see. PPD is an entirely different monster and the way you speak of it makes me want to vomit. You can read every single book there is, and you still won't be prepared. NOTHING can prepare you for motherhood. Sure, you can learn how to change a diaper and be aware of the fact that you will have little to no sleep. BUT, until you actually EXPERIENCE it, you have no fucking idea. Your post is so chock full of fucking ignorance and disregard for other people. I am honestly shocked. This is officially the shittiest thing I have ever read in my 2 years of blogging. I hope that you read all of these comments, and fucking learn from them.
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June 17th, 2010 - 7:30 AM
Hey when your kids are eighteen, then you get to write this post. Until then, just shut up. Seriously….shut…up. One thing I have learned after eighteen years is how much young mothers like to rip each other apart. It's like some kind of pissing war. A who is the better stronger mom. Until you can realize we are all in this together. That each of us has a different experience and for some it includes severe depression….then SHUT UP. I can tell you at the end of the day, you hurt a lot of people and you accomplished not one thing. You shot your mouth off and it will mean nothing positive in ten years. Was it worth it? Really? Do you FEEL better now?
My biggest regret as a young mother was ever feeling holier than thou with other moms. For not understanding we are all in this together. You can bet every mom on here who created a blog and want to talk about their children are loving devoted mothers. The one's who are really hurt by this…truly loving devoted mothers. The one's who cheered and said "yeah pull on your big girl panties!" truly devoted mothers.Each and every one of you. But with a different story.You could have possibly learned from each other….but nah its better to cut your peers down and while they are down show them who the stronger mom is! You learn so much from that……Really sad all of it.
Here is a thought how about you o something positive to correct, get over yourself for the better good
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June 17th, 2010 - 6:04 AM
[...] this post first. Then read this [...]
June 17th, 2010 - 4:07 PM
this is the first time i've come across your blog. and the last.
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June 18th, 2010 - 8:50 AM
I really wish I could've seen your ORIGINAL post, I truly do. From what I understand you cleaned this up A LOT.
Even if you hadn't this post would've pissed me off. Well aren't you just mother of the year with your sunshine and rainbows. And aren't you perfect for being able to handle twins.
I didn't have PPD with my first daughter but it sure as hell wasn't sunshine and fucking rainbows. With my second I had it horribly. I didn't want to get out of bed (BUT I DID) I didn't want to move (BUT I DID) I didn't want to be around ANYONE, do ANYTHING, Didn't want to be talked to… I wanted NOTHING to do with anyone. AND yes I sucked that shit up and did it anyway. But HOW DARE you sit and act like you know what the hell you are talking about! Because you are blowing hot air out of your ass.
It's not about 'putting your big girl pants on' (I won't go there with you because I'd more than likely get thrown off blogger. So consider yourself LUCKY) It's hard and NO I had no fucking idea what parenting would be like. I was 22 with a 3 year old and and newborn and a husband who works 60-70 hours a week! Yes, I got pregnant at 18, does that make me a slut and a bad mother in your eyes? LOVE to hear your thoughts on that one.
So before you start shooting off at the mouth about how great shit is… know what the fuck you're talking about first.
AND THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I EVER VISIT HERE… I can't stand this type of stupidity and ignorance. Can't wait to post about this one stupid bitch I just had the displeasure of meeting.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:40 PM
The ONLY thing I changed in this post was omitting names of bloggers. That's all. Thanks for you views & I'd love you to send me your post on the matter!
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June 19th, 2010 - 11:20 AM
You're right. SOME people do need to man up. Some need to recognize that yes, motherhood changes you. Duh. Some need to look at the good instead of the sometimes bad parts. I just wrote a post about this, actually.
However, I have to say I find it pretty harsh to judge women that certifiably have PPD. It's a medical condition. You can't "Man Up" to get rid of depression. Just as no one ever says, "Man up, it's just diabetes," you should never say, "Man up, it's just depression." Doing so is dangerous and hurtful to women that are dealing with this debilitating disease.
I also find it unkind of you to basically slap every mother in the face who is struggling with your words. No matter how much I adore, love, and live for my child, there are moments when I want to scream. And I shouldn't be made to feel guilty or bad over those moments because someone else out there is rolling around in fields of daisies when it comes to being a mom.
Regardless, you got what you wanted. An influx of traffic to your blog and a reaction. Next time, think about how your words will seriously affect other women. It's unfair. It's unkind. It's hurtful.
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June 21st, 2010 - 7:46 AM
What your post really shows is that you have no idea what it's like to parent through a PMD, and I am genuinely happy for you. I'm sad, though, that this has become such a debate. I actually am one of those moms who doesn't yell, who can go through weeks and weeks even of being suicidal and living off of 2-5 hours of sleep a night for literally months bcs of ptsd and _still_ not yell at my kid, still get up and care for her, still smile at her and respond to her instantaneously. I am one of those moms who's a total "natural". I've even had total strangers comment on how great my parenting is. And I have always felt the most extraordinary love for my kid even when I also felt resentment and hated being a mommy. I "manned" it up (what a weird phrase!) in a way that most people cannot even imagine–parenting so well and so consistently that even when I was out of my mind with ppd and ptsd, people told me that they were jealous of me and of how natural I made it all look. (continued below)
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The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:48 AM
I wasn't miserable because breastfeeding was hard (I breastfed for 13 months) and somehow I just hadn't known it would be, or because I just couldn't shift my perspective on how different my life was now. No, I was miserable because every time I started to drift off, I had violent flashbacks, and because I couldn't see what a damn good job I was doing because PPD had me in its stranglehold, and because I was terrified that I would never never be able to be the wonderful mama my baby deserved because I'd had to survive abuse as a kid, because feelings of shame and dread overwhelmed me so much that I felt literally toxic to my child, because every second of my new existence as a mommy felt unberably painful. (continued below)
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The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:49 AM
When I finally recovered, I was utterly amazed at myself, amazed at how well and consistently I had parented through emotions and terrors most people will never never never even experience one little iota of.I love that there are mamas out there who love what they're doing. I love that for you 99% of the time motherhood is fabulous, and I love that for me now 90% of the time I am off-the-charts thrilled to be my little girl's mama. And I've done so much work on healing and on self-acceptance that I don't feel the almost strangling jealousy and shame I used to feel when I read stories of mamas who have always gotten to feel all the joy and delight of parenting.
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The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:50 AM
But I didn't like being a mom for a long time. And that's okay. I loved my kid through it. I cared for my kid through it. And I desperately longed to be doing anything else. And I desperately wished that someone had told me that what I experienced was possible. When Blair talked about being lied to, I don't think she meant that all happy moms are lying. But so many moms who experience what I did, what Blair has, what so many have, are shamed when they voice their feelings or are told that they're bad moms. And so they keep quiet. And so do those moms who don't have PMDs and who love their kids and care for them even when they'd don't want but also don't _love_ it. There's a lot of shaming that goes on in this mommy culture. And those of us who do end up with PMDs do feel lied to…not by you personally, or by other moms who are genuinely happy, but just in general because people don't talk about this side of parenting because when they do (like Blair), people flip out.
The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:51 AM
It's not that we didn't realized being a mom would be hard, it's that what "hard" means for a mom who is lucky enough _not_ to have a PMD, _not_ to have unresolved trauma from being abused by her own mama, _not_ to be alone in a new city with no emotional support, _not_ to be suffering the after-effects of years of infertility treatments, _not_ to be struggling with a recent divorce or bankruptcy or and ausive husband…, _not_, in short, to have to deal with so many of the stressors that can make the "hard" of late nights and sleep deprivation and poopy diapers into the "unbearable" that Blair sometimes writes about–well, that "hard" you talk about is totally different from what we mean when we say parenting is "hard".
The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:52 AM
I really glow with joy now when I talk about being a mom. I do. I adore it. Utterly adore it. But I will never never forget what it's like to be where Blair has been. And I'm so glad that I got support and help rather than people telling me to "man" it up. And even now that I adore being a mom, even now that I know that I would go through feeling every bit of hell I felt when I did again just to have my little one, even now when I laugh with joy day in and day out, a lot of times I don't love being a mama. A lot of times I don't find it stimulating. A lot of times I'd rather be doing almost anything else than playing the same little kid game again and again and again. But the fact that I feel all of that–even now that I'm not struggling with a PMD–doesn't mean i don't utterly adore my kid or want to be a mom or that somehow I'm feeling something unnatural or shocking.
The Muser Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 7:53 AM
I'm glad you're sharing your experience. I wish, though, that you'd simply shared your experience rather than shaming moms whose "hard" looks and feels a lot different than yours. Yours is a beautiful experience and truth. And it's so good to have it out there. Can't it just exist without you needing to cast doubt on other people's experiences?