So, I want to say a few things about my last post because clearly it was taken ALL SORTS of wrong. Maybe I am not the great communicator I thought I was?
First off: I have a very small blog. I am no big fish and yesterday this shit storm I invited was the biggest day I’ve ever had. And while it is cool to see people caring to read something you have written- I also don’t want my claim to fame to be hurting other people. I don’t want to be this weeks rabbi whats-his-name claiming boobs belong to husbands.
What I do want to be is honest with my feelings. I do want to have a dialogue. I do want Mothers IN GENERAL to know that I love them and support them unless they are intentionally neglectful or abusive to their children. So, basically I am supportive of (hopefully) every mother who happens to land in my corner of the internet.
PPD is a real thing. As I said in my previous post- IT IS REAL. I understand that, regardless of what people are taking from what I have written. People whom I love more than life itself have been diagnosed with mental illnesses, disorders etc. They have taken medication. They have been hospitalized. Some? May be suffering and I don’t EVEN KNOW. Which is horrible. Because I would be here for them as I am here for anyone who needs me. I even talked about this post last night with one of my best friends who initially said she WAS offended by what I wrote. That right there shows me I must not have worded it correctly.
A few commenters on my post hit the nail on the head with what I was trying to say. Some? read it and read something mean and liked it anyways. Some women with PPD agreed with me because they understand my point. Some women emailed me privately to share what they thought and I appreciate that so much- because while some women wrote to express that they understood what I was saying- several of those women have diagnosed PPD.
ALL MOTHERS DESERVE to have my experience. But, ALL MOTHERS have bad horrible no-good shitty days when you want to throw in the towel. The difference, in my eyes, between PPD and regular ol’ “I’m hating life today.” is the fact that they can’t “man-up” or what I really meant to say- psyche themselves out of their feelings. When demons cannot be fought off by wills alone- there is a real issue.
But, many new mothers out there ARE surprised at what motherhood really entails. Hello? Do you watch 16 & Pregnant!? And when I saw the sentiment that I was perpetuating a LIE by painting my very real, very happy picture over here in my corner of the internet- it made me feel like I needed to tell ALL women- that I am not lying about anything. My children bring me copious joy everyday. And I feel so freaking sad that there are other mothers out there that cannot have that immediately.
So, my point- because I do have one- I APOLOGIZE for being hurtful because that wasn’t the intention. My intention was to tell women that it can and will be wonderful being a mother. That you cheapen the experiences of women who are legitimately suffering by leaving 47 million comments saying “me too, girl! I totally get it!” because you don’t. I don’t. Having a hard day, or week doesn’t MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND.
Depression is ugly. It has taken lives I love. Lives of family members that I miss so dearly. NO ONE deserves to suffer like that.
I encourage this dialoge and hope that people can eventually see what it was I was trying to say.
I hope all of you reading who may have or had any form of mental illness to not only get the help you need but look forward to knowing that there is this other side full of sunshine and rainbows and an occasional horrible day. But that you bounce back. At some point it will be OK and you will find that motherhood is just as you had wanted all along. It just took some bravery and work to get there. And luckily for you- you may just appreciate it THAT MUCH MORE.
June 9th, 2010 - 6:03 PM
I hope your experience with yesterday's post doesn't scare you away from writing about potentially controversial subject and writing about how you REALLY feel. Because I TOTALLY got what you were trying to say and I'd hate to think you were scared off from ever writing something similarly divisive.
What you said (and say) matters, and I'm glad you said it. Even if some people did misconstrue your intention.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:10 PM
I was reading through the comments from yesterdays post and i was sorry to see people misunderstood what you were saying. I got it – i get it and i am still very happy you brought it up. I dont feel you were disrespectful to PPD or women with that experience. I was glad to see that you re-directed what your intentions were to those who maybe didnt see your correct intention.
I hope that the few who dont regularly read your site and misunderstood what you were saying deter you from writing from your heart.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:12 PM
I got what you were saying (and I really enjoyed reading it), but I can understand how the post was taken out of context. Then again, some people read what they want to read no matter what the words actually say.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:18 PM
Emmie I don't "regularly" read you, because I read lots of posts all in a big gulp every couple of weeks and get caught up but that's how I do with most blogs. And I did get what you were trying to say yesterday, but I confess I really didn't like how you said it. I don't think it came across with the loving tone you were shooting for and while I know you said that you weren't trying to talk about women with PPD or BA or Allison specifically, your citation of them made that hard to remember through the words that followed. And those were not gentle words. The old adage "If people are taking your words wrong, you used the wrong words" probably applies.
Today's words were better, and I think this post actually does a better job of clearly making the point you were originally trying to make and uses the tone you were shooting for. I hope that yesterday's commenters come back and read this.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 7:57 AM
While I think your comment is really patronizing- I do hope people come back to read this post. Since most of the people who thought I 'used the wrong words' probably only read my blog when everyone else is in an uproar about it and not because they actually read my blog 'regularly' or give a fuck what I have to say on any other day. When you take one post totally out of context of the whole person writing it- it can be difficult to understand.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:19 PM
Thank you so much for this follow-up! I do get what you were trying to say yesterday, i think it was just the context that was hard for many. (seemed to be in response to Blair & Allison's posts… I think it would have been understood more clearly had it been written unattached to their experiences. ya know?)
I appreciate, for reals, you clearing the air. I know when you write a post you don't necessarily think about all the perspectives people will be coming from when they read it.
It's taken me almost 2 years to feel "normal" again. My old self is peeking out. I read blogs from PPD moms and "normal"
moms alike. From you "normal" mommas I gain so much hope that I can have a mothering experience without a mental illness and it IS truly butterflies and rainbows. Yay!
By the way @notsuperjustmom wrote an awesome post today about being IN THIS TOGETHER!
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:45 PM
Link to the post mentioned by Grace: http://notsuperjustmom.blogspot.com/2010/06/were-…
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:47 PM
i completely understood how some readers took your last post out of context. its kind of like when someone says something…you take it the wrong way…and your mad…and then you really actually don't listen to the rest of what the person has to say.
hope this post helps clear the air for some…because you are awesome…and i would hate for others to think you aren't because of misunderstanding.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 7:01 PM
I think you've summed up what happened perfectly. they stopped understanding the minute I said something they didnt agree with. They stopped listening.
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June 9th, 2010 - 6:51 PM
And thank YOU for writing this post today
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:05 PM
I find it really sad that you got so attacked for writing something you obviously feel passionately about. You were in no way bashing anyway- as you stated SEVERAL times. I love your honesty, and hope it doesnt change because of this. I remember a post you wrote about abortion- and while I might not have agreed with you ( I got pregnant at 20 and was completely in denial about it and he was the bet thing that ever happened to me) I still love that you were open and honest about things that are guaranteed to upset/offend somebody. Sorry and now I'm rambling- but I just want to say you 100% have my respect for writing exactly how you feel. This is YOUR blog and you should in no way have to censor what you write.
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:25 PM
I'm glad you posted what you did yesterday (and today), and I didn't take from it that you were attacking, mocking, or doubting these womens struggles or the PPD. It's just a hot-button sensitive issue I guess. But thanks for speaking your mind.
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June 9th, 2010 - 7:41 PM
I got what you were saying yesterday, but I do also see how it could have been taken the wrong way – I'm glad that you were able to clarify!
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:14 PM
I understand this post just as well as the one you wrote yesterday and commend you for saying it.
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:20 PM
This post is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. And if anyone ever likens you to rabbi schubutt, I'll puch 'em.
(Ok not really because I don't punch.)
(Anymore.)
(You know, meds and what not.)
I meant what I said about loving you. I LOVE that you are so honest. I LOOOOOOOOVE that people across the interwebs are seeing real examples in us. Examples of HARD motherhood, of motherhood as was expected, of PPD, of normal 'craziness', of certifiable psychosis.
I just think this whole conversation thing is SO great and am glad these things are being talked about. I know I wasted time thinking "Is this PPD or should I just 'man up'?" Hopefully this interaction will help women make the right decision for them and take the appropriate action FASTER.
The one exception to my happiness that this is being discussed is the yuckiness in the comments. Emmie, you KNOW I didn't want to sick the meanies on you. I would not do that and I am so sorry they felt the need to say things to you that they did or interpret what they did. I remain ridiculously impressed by you as a mother and a woman and a blogger. Keep doing what you're doing, friend.
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:47 PM
I read both posts and although I do not have anything profound to add, I appreciate your candor and honesty without being judgmental. Fabulous job at creating a dialog, Em. Love Ya!
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:48 PM
You know how I feel! And you know I love your blog & I love that you are getting to experience motherhood the way it's intended. I totally got what YOU were saying yesterday, but I think the hard part was reading what people were thinking you were saying. It really felt like they were building a fence between those of us that are struggling with PPD/A/P/ect and those that are able to get themselves out of their funk and enjoy their children. I don't think there's a fence, I don't think there should be sides. I think that it takes people like you that are enjoying it, to push those of us dealing with this issue to get help. I think instead of separating non-PPD-having mothers and those of us that do have it, we should educate on both sides. We should encourage each other regardless of what sort of diagnosis a person may or may not have. Because mothers with out it? They have bad days to, they should be encouraged. Mothers with it? Well they have a lot more bad days, but that doesn't take away from the other side of the "fence"
I think I'm getting all jumbled, I'm too busy thinking about mopping up Rockys water that's all over the kitchen.
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June 9th, 2010 - 8:59 PM
i think it was very nice of you to write a follow up post and clarify a bit. hopefully anyone who was hurt by your previous post can feel a little better now. i think maybe your 'man-up' thinking was more directed to mothers who dont truly suffer from ppd, but those who just thought motherhood would be a piece of cake. and to those women, who arent suffering from a disorder, yes, i think they should try to man-up as much as possible.
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June 9th, 2010 - 11:49 PM
You are awesome.
xoxoxo
<3
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June 10th, 2010 - 2:16 PM
I agree with jess. you are awesome. sorry you had a no good, rough, misinterpreted day.
xoxooxox
m
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June 10th, 2010 - 8:41 PM
I like that you posted a clarification. I know you sometimes write things in a way that doesn't come out sounding how you intended, but since I know you I'm able to add that perspective and try and think of what point you were getting at.
Yesterday I kept asking myself if you really thought PPD was something you could just sack up and get through, like it was some inconsequential thing. But I kept telling myself that as someone who herself suffered from a rare and horrendous pregnancy complication (Hyperemesis), there's no way that could be right. PPD is HORRIBLE (not that I've experienced it firsthand but because I am familiar with mental disorders). Shame, guilt, self-loathing, worthlessness – it's the extreme of those things, and it's not something you can just "woman up" and get through, much in the same way that Hyperemesis isn't just morning sickness that you can will away with crackers, Gatorade, and some rest.
I know that you had no intention of minimizing PPD. With all the stigma that still exists about mental health issues, it kills me when things get worded poorly or misconstrued to further those stigmas. Thank you for clarifying to those who don't know you (and to those who do)
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June 11th, 2010 - 4:02 AM
I agree with the comments on this post. Thank you for clarifying. You are truly opening up a dialogue concerning your thoughts and opinions, as well as addressing those who responded to you. I plan to continue reading your blog, as I think you have a valuable opinion to share.
"I hope all of you reading who may have or had any form of mental illness to not only get the help you need but look forward to knowing that there is this other side full of sunshine and rainbows and an occasional horrible day. But that you bounce back. At some point it will be OK and you will find that motherhood is just as you had wanted all along. It just took some bravery and work to get there. And luckily for you- you may just appreciate it THAT MUCH MORE."
It's words like these that ultimately save lives and families. Thank you for sharing and having the courage to continue the conversation. Your thoughts were well spoken, eloquent and gracious.
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June 12th, 2010 - 2:04 AM
Emily you are a fabulous writer, mother, blogger, friend, person, and passionate and opinionated. Your previous blog post may have been misinterpreted but regardless your entitled to your opinions and the fact remains that you still stay sensitive to those who do legitamely have those issues.
I was a teen mom. I definetely went thru my depression phase, but i would not say I had PPD at all. It was more thinking about how my life would have been different and how hard it was and what I gave up, but in the end I got a beautiful daughter who is the light of my life. So I "manned up" and "put on my big girl panties" and got thru it one day at a time. Because I had a million options with what happened and I made my decision. I never felt "lied to" and being a parent is all those things you described and then some. Good post
xoxo
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June 17th, 2010 - 5:03 PM
No! It goes right back to what I said before. Sometimes it is better to not say anything than continue to say it and look like a fool. I have dealt with clinical depression for eighteen years. Almost to the day my son was born. They know now depression can be masked and it isn't until something stressful an upheaval (he and I both almost died then a follow up to two weeks in NICU) happens that the depression manifests. I struggled for five years thinking exactly what you are saying. I need to man up, I need to get with the program and stop being a whiny baby. AND I kept thinking if I just get through this rough spot I can get to the rainbows. It never happened, It won't ever happen. I deal with black and grey and that is my life. It took me a long to realize that but I'm cool with it. Infact I'm very happy. But it was so hard for me in today's society to accept it ESPECIALLY as a mother. ESPECIALLY as a breastfeeding, SAHM onto homeschooling mother. I got to live the dream right? I surely did, but it didn't change my chemical make up. It didn't change my very real struggle and there was never nor will there ever be a fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. For me it is days I control it and it doesn't control me and other days were I hold on for dear life while it tries to win. Can you get that? So talk about your experiences I think that's awesome. Connect to other mothers, even better. But try to not comment on issue's you do not understand. Especially as a mother of very young children. Its akin to telling your grandmother how life really works. You honestly feel you get the right? Trust me you don't. So to use your lovely term, stop making excuses, "man up," to the damage you did. And just don't do it again. PS as the commenter above me says, you are entitled to your opinions….actually that is what is the very worst with society and the internet…NO YOU ARE NOT. Be wise enough to keep your mouth shut at times.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 10:48 AM
Thanks for coming back to read my second post. I totally appreciate that you still feel that I am wrong. I am not making any excuses to anyone because I DO have the right to my opinion and people coming here can choose not to read.
As you seems to have missed yet again- I DO have stake in this debate as I have read MANY blogs saying I perpetuate a lie by saying that I genuinely LOVE being a mother. Which is what I was originally saying. I felt attacked when people said I was a liar for being happy. For not being upset or disappointed. And while two of the girls who sparked my original post do suffer from depression and I don't understand what they (or you) are going through- I do know that I am not lying by being happy. And I hope that everyone can eventually get there.
In your previous comment I took the time to email you directly because I felt that maybe as a first time reader you were in need of clarification- but I see that you are still angry. I don't need to own up to anything because basically- I am hoping with all that I have that the women suffering from PPD or depression or any other problem that leaves them less of themselves don't end up suffering for 18 years. Especially when treatment is available.
I also hope that women who don't suffer from PPD and just don't love their experience as a mother understood they were the ones I was originally speaking to. No one lied. Everyone just has a different experience and we are ALL entitled to our opinions- just as you are entitled to yours. We are all entitled to have our own experience. I just really hope that women who DO suffer from depression don't see your outlook and feel like they cannot eventually love life and parenthood. Because honestly what I am reading is that:
A. you think I'm an asshole – which I can appreciate.
&
B. "It didn't change my very real struggle and there was never nor will there ever be a fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." That is horrible. I hope that you will continue to work towards finding happiness in motherhood and in your life. You deserve it.
Again- thanks for your views!
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Kari Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 9:16 PM
Your chasing your tail and back tracking. And now I am bored. The funny thing is I'm not angry that is your perception. This is just truly something that peaked my interest because your potentially dangerous post brought back so many vivid memories of self righteous mothers. The one's who pretend on the internet that everything is super duper peachy keen even though in your own post you say at times you have to go and smoke ten cigarettes….after a day of parenting. At least mothers like Alexis admit they have a bad day while you can only bitch slap them around and why? Because I get your type. You had three kids under what was it 13 months and in reality when other women talk about sometimes not being happy it hits a chord and you can't control yourself. You just have to flip out, strike back and show your true colors under the guise of having an opinion.
Blah blah blah anyway.
I don't want rainbows. Maybe your life is some kind of creepy cartoon but mine is impossibly flawed and real and I love it that way. Look, learn from this. Think before you post. Realize your cheerleaders won't tell you when you really messed up but sometimes a stranger will. Truly I am sure you are doing the best you can and god bless your mothering adventure. I hope for your sake you get all the rainbows in the world because anything less might throw you for a severe tail spin. Good luck!
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 2:55 PM
It’s clear that you didn’t read what I wrote but what you think I wrote. I cannot defend what I didn’t say. AS I SAID: I DO have bad days. I am sometimes tired overworked and under appreciated. I am sometimes sad or angry. BUT OVERALL- I am happy. I recognize I don’t have “problems” (you know- we are fed and have a roof over our heads) on par with what other do and I appreciate that. I realize that my hard days are just that- hard days. That I am also flawed but OVERALL I am happy. That I don’t lie when I say I am happy being a wife and mother. That some days are harder than others but I keep smiling. I have learned from this “situation” and can honestly say I am truly sorry to have offended so many people. Not that I am sorry for what I intended to say- but that I am sorry people didn’t read that. That they read only what they wanted to.
I am sorry you think I am unhappy and lying to the internets to make myself feel better about myself. Is it so wrong to be happy and proud of it? Aside from the fact that people thought I was saying that to taunt others or make them feel bad or question their mental health- what is wrong with the core sentiment?
No point in having some sort of comment war- as nap time is almost up and I have definitely gotten your point. I wish you were willing to accept what I have said for what I meant it to be & that’s really all there is to say.
June 17th, 2010 - 7:11 PM
emily, thanks for your email. and in fact, i had already read this followup post but couldn't bring myself to comment on it before. but since you asked me to come read, i will comment now, even at the risk of sounding like a broken record.
no, you absolutely did not communicate well in your last post. you were hurtful, condescending, and above all, completely glib about a topic that deserves to be handled with complete and utter care. maybe you thought you were being sensitive enough. i can tell you that you 100% were not. i appreciate your apology in this post, but the damage has been done. i have had women emailing me all day after i wrote about this post on my blog (i did not link to yours because i didn't want this to turn into some kind of flame war) telling me that they have started questioning their diagnoses because of the subject matter of your post, as well as the comments of people who agreed with you. i don't think you even begin to grasp how very dangerous this is. you are playing with fire here, but the only thing is: you're not the one who's getting burned.
like i said, i respect your right to voice opinions in your own space. but don't say that people coming here can "choose not to read"–a woman with undiagnosed ppd who reads this might just think that everything is all good because you said it is. in addition, if you wanted to say that you don't understand the women who don't enjoy their mothering experiences, you should have said that without bringing an issue you clearly know very little about into the discussion.
and don't take my dismay with these posts to mean that i don't want you to be honest. i am all about honesty, truly. what i do want you to be is conscientious. understand that while you may not be a "big" blogger, your words are available for all to see, and whether you like it or not, they mean something. and in this case, they meant something very harmful.
finally, i have to agree with kari. this post changes nothing, except maybe clear your own conscience (although it seems to me you aren't really all that remorseful because you still don't understand what's at stake here). let me tell you why:
"I hope all of you reading who may have or had any form of mental illness to not only get the help you need but look forward to knowing that there is this other side full of sunshine and rainbows and an occasional horrible day. But that you bounce back. At some point it will be OK and you will find that motherhood is just as you had wanted all along. It just took some bravery and work to get there. And luckily for you- you may just appreciate it THAT MUCH MORE.
you said that. and i don't think you realize how patronizing that sounds, but let me break it down for you. for some people, there is no other side. get it? all there is is medication, therapy, and cyclical episodes of depression. sucks, right? but that's their reality, and you telling them that someday they may be able to shit rainbows is fucked up to say the least. but just because these people will never be able to live without the fear of relapse, this doesn't mean they aren't just as fulfilled and happy as you. in fact, they may appreciate the "sunshine and rainbows" even more than you can begin to understand BECAUSE they have been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale–just like you alluded to.
so just STOP. please. stop talking about bouncing back, 16 & pregnant, and how life will be after ppd. you STILL have no clue, despite everyone's best efforts to try to educate you.
like i said at my blog, there are some things you just can't talk about unless you have been there, and mental illness is one of them. the only way you could have approached this without being offensive is to just say, "sorry, i was wrong," and left it at that. because you were wrong. plain and simple. the fallout might be irreparable, and that will be on you.
i'm grateful that you emailed me, really. i'm thankful that you at least tried to make things right. but things are not right. not at all.
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Alena Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 7:51 PM
I am late to the party. And I'm not trying to stir this up, I am just bored (although I don't know why I need to get in the shower) and looking back. And I have to tell you, as someone trying to get out of the trenches of PPD I really appreciated her saying: "I hope all of you reading who may have or had any form of mental illness to not only get the help you need but look forward to knowing that there is this other side full of sunshine and rainbows and an occasional horrible day. But that you bounce back. At some point it will be OK and you will find that motherhood is just as you had wanted all along. It just took some bravery and work to get there. And luckily for you- you may just appreciate it THAT MUCH MORE."
Because that's what I'm working towards. I am working towards having an experience that is happy, and exciting, and full of joy. I go to therapy and I take my medication and I do my homework just because I'd love to have the experience that I always wanted to have.
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alexis Reply:
June 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 PM
Alena, sorry I never replied to your comment before. I think I thought I had already, but I guess I didn't. I'm really glad to hear you say that Emily's words made things better for you, that you were able to relate to that statement. And i give you so much credit for working through your PMD. I truly hope motherhood will one day be the experience you want it to be. I just wanted to point out to Emily that some women will be working at it for the rest of their lives, that there is no end of the rainbow. There is only more effort. But either way, whether there is an end to the effort or not, each woman's experience is her own, and is OK.
Thanks for helping me see the other side of the coin.
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