Sometimes as a “writer” -if that’s what I can be called- I wonder. I wonder what I look like from the outside to the people I love.
When I write the things I write, I don’t expect that everyone will agree with me. I don’t expect people will even always like me. Sometimes? I KNOW they shake their fists at the computer screen and yell obscenities at me from afar.
But, I hope that the people I love-who love me-are proud of me & of my voice.
I hope that if my husband ever stops by to read he is proud to call me his wife.
I hope my parents and stepparents are proud to call me their daughter.
I hope that one day my children will be able to read what I have written and know that I am real person. That I am more than just their mother- that I have made mistakes and will make mistakes but that they are all with love & that I will always be there no matter what to guide them.
I got to thinking today after this crazy ass day of being involved in blogging.
I wonder what my grandmothers who read this blog think of me & my decisions. If they feel that knowing me on this level is amazing or terrifying.
I wonder what people who aren’t here with me anymore would think. I thought about my dear Mother-in-law- who never actually WAS my mother-in-law- because she was gone too soon. What would she think of the life I have now. Would she be proud of Scott & I?
Or my grandfather- What would he think of the person I am now?
Do you ever think things like that?
I wonder if my great grandmother-who is 90- had a computer- would she read what I have to say and be proud that I have the balls to put it out there? Or would she think I am crazy?
I guess what I am saying is, I hope I never disappoint those whom I love.
I love having my thoughts read by so many. I do. I love that maybe sometimes I can help people and it kills me to think sometimes I hurt people. But, I am me. And in the end- I can only be myself.
So, if I love you or you love me and you are reading this: I hope I am everything you thought I was. I hope you are proud of me.
June 10th, 2010 - 6:04 AM
You're everything and MORE than I thought you would be. I'm proud to "know" you
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June 10th, 2010 - 6:28 AM
I have a lot to say, and it's probably better suited for an email but whatever I'm lazy and this is easier.
So many people that we've met though blogging think we are BFF's. None of them know that we used to really dislike each other. Now, I look back on that and it amuses me. We both would say mean things, I didn't know you. You didn't know me. We had things thought up in our heads about each other that weren't true.
Through us being pregnant so close together we found a common ground. And that led us to a way to truly get to know each other. I am so grateful for that, Emily. While I don't know you like your close friends do, I feel like I know a side of you that I relate to so often. I relate to you more than any of my other friends. I appreciate the friendship we've built over time. And it did take us time. But now? I talk to you more than I talk to a lot of people, even my Bff's. I am grateful that I have someone I can email at 2am about something and will respond to me by 2:15am (usually, haha.) That if we haven't chatted in a while you write me and ask me what's new, what's up. I enjoy the friendship we've built. I am happy I have a friend like you. You are definitely different and I like that. Your openness and honesty are something I find refreshing. In this blogging world you never truly know if what a blogger is portraying to be the truth is actually the truth. I don't ever doubt what you write is the truth. So I guess what I am saying is yes, I'm proud to have you as a friend.
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June 10th, 2010 - 12:23 PM
I have felt a connection to so many things that you've written and I know I've emailed you about certain ones, so even though I barely know you, I'm proud of you
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June 10th, 2010 - 2:06 PM
I love you in a totally non weird stalker way:)
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June 10th, 2010 - 2:54 PM
I think about things like that. When I'm living my daily life, I think about my great grandfather, who adored me, and if he is watching me from Heaven (or whatever you believe in). And I think, does he still adore me now that he sees me everyday? Do my every day actions live up to the girl he thought I was.
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June 10th, 2010 - 3:05 PM
I don't know how anyone who knows you could be anything less than proud of you.
I think many of us have similar concerns. We bare our souls on the internet in a way we don't in real life. And as open as I am about who I am and what I stand for in real life, there are definitely aspects of myself that I keep from certain people that are only revealed on my blog. And that is why none of my close friends or my family members (even The Husband) are privy to my blog. For me, there are some spaces that are just mine.
That being said, I hope if any of them ever do stumble upon my writing, they're not upset with what they read. You can rest easy, though. I don't know how anyone in your life could ever be disappointed with the words you post on this blog.
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June 10th, 2010 - 3:29 PM
You super amaze me. xoxo
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June 10th, 2010 - 5:55 PM
I think you are fucking amazing and even though I barely know you & have only known you a short period of time through that, I am proud to call you one of my friends!!
I respect your honesty and I love reading your posts. Keep up the good work mama!!! XOXO!
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June 10th, 2010 - 12:16 PM
As long as you are true to yourself and stand up for what you believe, I think you could never disappoint those who you love, even if they don’t agree. And man, my 86 year old grandma has a computer and reads everyday. She loves it! Things were so different back when she was raising my mom and my aunt, so I think mostly she is in awe at all the choices I make. My grandfather…the only male figure in my life…passed away 8.5 years ago. And I too wonder what he would think of me…being 30, married, and a momma. He didn’t even get to see me graduate. So yeah, you are not alone in this realm, though you do have more balls than I do in voicing yoru thoughts. Perhaps I need to take a lesson from you and not be afraid to voice all…most of what goes on in my head. KEEP IT UP MOMMA!
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June 10th, 2010 - 8:44 PM
You know I don't always agree with what you have to say Mama… but that's exactly what makes us the friends that we are! Life would be super boring if we had the same opinions on everything. And I know I can always count on you to bring up a different side to the story that I would never have even thought to consider.
This is YOUR blog and you can say what ever the hell you want on here. I admire you for that, and always have. Don't let anything or anyone get in the way of what makes you YOU!!!
I love you mama. And will always read and care and be proud of who you are. <3
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June 10th, 2010 - 8:50 PM
You are open, honest and real. I like that.
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June 10th, 2010 - 9:43 PM
You're everything I could want in a granddaughter and I am amazed at your blog. And very proud of you too!
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Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:26 PM
awww, is that really from your "grannie"? If so, so sweet brought a tear to my eyeball.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 3:27 PM
ha. yeah it’s my grandma! Hi Grandma! Thank you for reading and being so supportive! LOVE YOU!
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June 11th, 2010 - 3:27 AM
You know I don't like to get involved in controversial issues (and I hope you respect that), but I did read your posts and tried to put myself in your shoes (without commenting). Being an honest blogger is difficult (just as is being an honest commentor). Talking about controversial issues is even more difficult. I admire you for both those things. Even if sometimes things don't "come out" the way you intended them to, the fact is that you are being honest and staying true to yourself. If that is not something to be proud about, I don't know what is… I am proud to have met you and I am proud of being your friend.
Love you!
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June 11th, 2010 - 2:57 PM
I don't even know you and I am proud of you. I got what you meant and it made ME a better mother for it.
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June 11th, 2010 - 1:09 PM
Let me count the ways…
Do I love that you air out your big girl panties for all to see?
Do I love that Hudson, Sawyer, & Truman are
on constant display?
Do I love that you might be spending (in my opinion) too much mommy time blogging?
Let me twist my "big girl panties" so I can honestly answer this question.
Does it really matter?
No, it doesn't because in the year of your 18th when you decided to take your personal journey from Mockingbird Circle to "your" life it became just that "your" life. As a mother all I could do was watch you go and hope that all I taught you and all the experiences we shared together as mommy and daughter would help you become the woman you are today.
You know we are luckier than most. We don't need a blog to communicate.
But what I have come to realize is that there are so many of your "new" friends and old that don't have what we have and that you are giving them a wonderful gift by sharing your true self and allowing them a voice to express what maybe they could never with their Mom or husband or other important people in their lives. That you could give them the courage to speak out without fear of judgement. Something all who know you deeply know was never a problem.
All I have to do is spend every Wednesday with you and Scotty and my little grandbabies and open my eyes and really see how much I love you, the wife you have become and most importantly now the mommy you are today and will continue to be.
As grandmas and great grandmas know we never really get to completely remove those "big" girl panties. (boy Pete you are getting great mileage out of this quote!) Those panties change sizes, colors & designs many times over and as Gram Bette knows you NEVER stop being a Mommy (OR Step-Mommy for some) EVER!
I LOVE YOU EMILY!
PS Don't know how to go back and proof or even know if I am sending this or not correctly!
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June 12th, 2010 - 5:40 AM
I've only "known" you for a few short months, but you are more honest than 95%+ blogs out there. I really admire you for your honesty and no holds barred look at life. I really hope we get to know each other better, and I always look forward to your posts.
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