I was just reading some comments on my blog- since I usually only read the new ones every few days so I feel special when there are a few to read at once. Anyways, I am kind of annoyed. I am annoyed that my posts last week were visited by SO MANY PEOPLE who were only here in outrage. Only here because someone else had told them they had to see what that crazy bitch over at ‘This is the First Day of My Life’ wrote. And because of that? They were already here to hate on me without even probably taking the time to digest what I was saying.
Anyways- that part is cool. I mean- I don’t care. 100+ comments and basically most of them are people telling me I’m an asshole. I can totally hang with that though. I would prefer 800 comments that say I’m an asshole than 800 comments that say a whole lot of nothing. because the people that I talk to all the time? The people who I care about their opinions? The maybe 20 bloggers with whom I have built friendships- I read their blogs and they read mine. We send gifts & cards & love & support basically all over the continent. Those people? They got it. They GET ME. Like, even when we totally disagree on something- they can read between the lines and understand what I mean when I say it- because they have taken the time to actually ‘know me.’ And those friends can knit you hats from scratch. And invite you to their weddings. And craft amazing things.And send you hand-me-downs. And just be real people. They can tell me they think I’m wrong- but at least I know they are disagreeing with the WHOLE PICTURE.
The thing I hated MOST about last week was some bloggers’ need to be accepted in all circles. It’s not a “sides” thing- but I follow the blogs which I sited in my now infamous post- and have read ALL the comments on the posts which sparked mine. I hate people who cannot just say what they think. It is SO annoying when I see comments that are totally contradictory. Like the same person leaving 5 bloggers comments and basically just being FAKE. I loved SEVERAL comments I received that were like “I totally get you. But I totally see why other people didn’t.” It should have said “I think you’re an asshole- but I still want you to link my blog. I have to keep up appearances, you know?”
Blogging is about relationships and while I love the relationships I have cultivated that mean something to me- I cannot help but feel less than stoked on people who only “tolerate” you for reciprocal links or various other lame reasons. People who want to please everyone. People who are so scared to just be REAL. To say what they want to say. To stand behind what they believe in. To not need to be “in” with everyone. And that’s not to mean you cannot be supportive of people with differing opinions or stories- just that you have an IDENTITY. I read not-so-long-ago on another blog (I cannot remember which, otherwise I’d site them) a quote:
“Never trust somebody that everyone likes.”
…or something of that nature- because HELLO?! It’s impossible. You cannot please everyone. EVER. And if you do? You are clearly being less than 100% truthful and less than 100% yourself.
Be supportive of others. Try your best to be nice. But don’t be afraid to be yourself. To have an opinion. To stand up for what you think. To piss a few people off.
June 17th, 2010 - 8:47 AM
I agree with most of this. I've been working up a post of my own that touches a bit on this. But, more so about bloggers and their honesty, or lack there of it. Sometimes I read certain blogs and I all I really take away from it is "blah blah blah, bo shit ,bo shit, bo shit. " And I"m like how can all these people not see thru bloggers bull shittery? Or maybe it's just me. . .
I'm definitely never intentionally trying to piss anyone off with my comments or posts but if you constantly try to please everyone and always say and do the "right thing" you are a.) going to become exhausted from all that. & b.) never let anyone truly know the person you are.
I'd rather speak my mind and may have a few people not agree with my view point but think to them-self, "well that's just another aspect of Kristi I'm getting to know."
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 8:52 AM
yeah exactly. I don't mean to intentionally piss people off- but being OK with it if it does happen. Like- I didn't MEAN to make people angry last week but I did. And I'm OK with it because I was saying something that I believed in.
Honesty is the best policy- even if it ruffles some feathers.
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Kacie Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 1:42 PM
I love both you and Emily because you are both so real. I used to follow so many blogs but recently went through and started cleaning house. I feel that this blogging world has become so fake. Too many people judging causing to many people to not be honest (not sure if that is why they aren't honest but that is how I feel). I have a little bity blog and don't really promote it and have actually kind of stepped back from it due to some hard times in my life. I do not believe that the information should be shared with the internet world and I am not going to go out there and post a blog about happy stuff because that is bull shit. Once things get better I hope that I can write more again because I actually really blog for family. Kristi can't wait to read your post!
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June 17th, 2010 - 10:13 AM
You inspire me Emily. I try hard to speak up and have my own opinion, but I admit I sometimes bite my tongue for fear of others' opinions. I find this especially true now I'm a parent – so. much. judgement. Sometimes it feels easier to keep quiet but then I get angry with myself for not being true to myself or my beliefs. I'm a work in progress.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 5:01 PM
we all are, mama. I think the best way to be a good example in my house is to be myself. In my vision for my children- I see them also having strong opinions. And while that got me in trouble regularly growing up (both in school and personally) I think looking back most people respected what I had to say. Not because they agreed but because I had the balls to say it.
It's OK to bite your tongue. Some situations call for it. But if you ever have that feeling like you "SHOULD have said something" then you probably should have. You never want to regret not being true to yourself.
Thanks so much for the comment!
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June 17th, 2010 - 11:36 AM
Unfortunately it is always easier to be a follower.Easier to hide behind other people's opinions so that you don't have to truthfully tell yours. But where's the fun in that, seriously? I admire you for writing such an honest post last week. There have been numerous times I have not posted something because I was afraid of what others think. Not a very fun way to blog! This is your space to write about whatever the hell you want to write about. If people don't like or agree with what you've written then they should not stick around.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 5:05 PM
lol! Sometimes- no joke- I stare at twitter or a blog and literally want to scream "lemmmmminnnngssss!" and shake my fist. That sounds totally ridiculous I know- but I have that reaction.
Be your beautiful self mama. No need to be controversial- but when you find yourself worried when hitting "publish" realize the only people who matter are those that love you. And while others are free to disagree and call you an asshole- in the end they don't matter.
Sometimes- the people who disagree will bring light to something you didn't see. They learn, you learn. I swear- there is NOTHING I love more than an intense debate (lol! since my comment plug-in IS Intense Debate!)
<3
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June 17th, 2010 - 12:40 PM
Ok, here is where I have that personality flaw where I always worry people are talking about me in reference to something. Perhaps you are. I that I loved the parts of your post that I could relate to… because I did! And for me, a huge part of this blogging thing is finding the parts of people's lives that I can relate to. I also posted a bit of a contradictory comment because I did say I could see how that would hurt people feelings… I don't always have thick skin so I get hurt fairly easily.
Either way… I do try to be completely honest in my blogging which right now is a bit of puppies & rainbows.
See, here I go again being all back & forth.
But you know I mega heart you and the things you write!
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 4:55 PM
ha! Mama. No, you were not specifically one of the commenters I was talking about. There is no need to call them out specifically because it's not just those comments. It's everything. It's people just straight up not being true to who they are. On the internet and in real life.
I think worrying what people will think of you isn't worth anyone's time but I am more so saying people who intentionally remain neutral so as not to ever step on toes ever. There is no reason to agree with someone when you don't.
Rest assured- you are free to disagree with me any day of the week. I can dish it out and I can also take it. In my real life I disagree with my friends regularly. As they disagree with me. We can debate something to death while bullshitting over dinner or just hanging out. We play the devil's advocate. We say what we feel even if others don't agree. And though we don't always agree we respect each other's opinions. And after the conversation is done- we walk away just as happy as when we started. Even the best of friends cannot agree ALL the time. Try politics or religion in my circle of friends- you've got a hot debate.
I appreciate the support and in the future know that at least on my blog or twitter or whatever you can disagree with me while still having my respect and admiration for who you are and what you bring to the table.
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June 17th, 2010 - 12:48 PM
I could care less about links and hits and all that. I mean sure, it makes me feel good on days when I get a lot of hits but on the days I don't? I'm still writing. My blog is my outlet no matter how many hits I get (or don't get).
Great post though Em! Definitely hear where you're coming from – and no, I'm not secretly hating on you LMFAO! I loves ya!!! Seriously, you're one of my FAVOURITE bloggers! You're not afraid to speak your mind or state your opinion. I love that! I try to do that!
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June 17th, 2010 - 1:42 PM
I completely agree with this post. When all that was happening I though to myself I better stay out of it but then I scratched that thought two seconds later because I don't realy care if someone doesn't like me or agree with me that's life.
&i hope you consider me a semi bloggy friend because I just LOVE you and your beautiful family.
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June 17th, 2010 - 2:05 PM
I agree with this post but I will say there are ppl out there (calling myself out) that may look to be trying to please everyone but really its the all the order they read them. I was one of those ppl you called out, that was sympathetic in my first comment and then read your post and got slapped in the face (in a good way) because it made me think and forget my pity party. I wrote about it in my blog, you can see here… http://edwinjamesholman.blogspot.com/2010/06/blog…
Full of love here just thought I might stick up for the few of us that may look like we just want everyone to like us but really just had to get our butt kicked in gear.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 4:44 PM
I did read your post and I totally didn't mean you when I was saying two-faced commenters. I wasn't JUST talking about my blog. I was also talking about twitter and the internet basically. I am sick of people who cannot just say what they mean. That doesn't mean you can't slam me and then think about it and then change your mind. I mean people who intentionally leave totally neutral comments like " i like this but I don't like this" (lol) or people who never have a straight opinion on anything. I just get the feeling that people aren't themselves. That they have an internet character.
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LAH Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 11:00 PM
Oh I wasn't worried you were talking about me, promise. Just giving a thought and either way I appreciate your honesty and your writing.
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June 17th, 2010 - 3:29 PM
I like that you are real, it is so very refreshing and makes me feel like I am not alone. I am one of the ones who GET what you are saying.
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June 17th, 2010 - 11:06 AM
I have to say, I worry way too much about what people think of me and am afraid to speak my mind on things. In real life, though, I speak up, like last week in a teacher staff meeting and I got several side eyes. I guess I should take your advice and not be so afraid on the internet. I’ve also been out of the loop on things with being back to work and haven’t had the mental capacity to get involved in these things. But, school is almost out for the summer! We shall see what transpires then.
And I totally heart that you are so confident in yourself that you just put it all out there.
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June 17th, 2010 - 7:36 PM
I'm with Joanna, I call it my not-Catholic-but-the-guilt-of-one character trait (it's a working title ok). I always worry about the same thing.
And I think there's a big difference between being a TOTALLY different person online than you are in real life and keeping some things about your life to yourself. Know what I mean??
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June 17th, 2010 - 7:56 PM
I read a lot of blogs on the same topic that you had last week – i was actually a bit shocked that people took it as needing to take sides – or even that you were misunderstood. I really hope i dont come off as fake because even if i read and comment of different takes of the subject I feel i can relate to some points in one and other points in another. I totally agree that you can't expect to be ♥'d 100% of the time and I admire your ability to be REAL. Something i really enjoy about reading your site – i feel i can relate to you even if i dont always completely agree. Gosh I really hope i don't just have an internet character
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June 17th, 2010 - 8:07 PM
You and I are living proof you don't have to agree on everything to be awesome friends. There was like a whole WEEK where I wrote comments about how wrong I thought you were on every single thing you posted. I almost can't believe you still liked me after that. Maybe it's my mad knitting skills.
XOXO 4 EVAH.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 8:37 PM
HA! You were EXACTLY who I was talking about when I said disagreement is totally OK. I respect you more for telling me I'm wrong and for teaching me things I didn't already know. That is the best gift of friendship- be it over the internet or in real life. You love people enough to call their bullshit. Tell them when they are wrong and support them when you agree. Learning from each other. Seeing different perspectives. Good things. <3
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June 18th, 2010 - 12:56 PM
Ok, first of all can I just say I HATE it when someone comments on a post just to get you to follow them back? HATE it. "hey, love the blog! come check out mine at wehavenothingincommon.bullshit.com!"
Second of all, I do think in order to be a compelling blogger, you have to be willing to piss a few people off with your opinions, but I think if you're going to do it, you should feel passionately about it. Because odds are, you're going to have to defend your position. So maybe that's what keeps some blogger from writing about anything even remotely controversial? I dunno.
Third of all, I never trust someone who everyone likes. Never have. You're totally right about that sentiment. Because they're not authentic and I don't have time for any fakiness in my life. Be real, or GTFO. Also, on a closely related note, I don't like people where the best thing I can say about them is that they're "nice". Be nice, but don't have that be your defining characteristic. There's nothing interesting about someone who wants to please everyone.
And with that, I end today's dissertation. Except to tell you that I enjoy your posts, and I enjoy your authenticity, so I'm glad you're sticking with who you are and not letting the kooky commenters get in your head.
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June 20th, 2010 - 4:40 PM
I agree with everything you write on this post. I could have written it myself. There are some days when I go on twitter or read comments on other blogs and feel SO disappointed and turned off by this whole blogging thing. I roll my eyes over and over and over and over again. I feel like I don't want to be part of it and do not initate conversation with anyone… I do not leave comments and I get a little bit judgy about the fakeness out there. This sucks in a way because, as you mention, there are some people who are so worth it. I know it because I have friends who I love and who I have met through blogging. Finding a balance is difficult. As I have probably said one billion times already, the most important thing is to stay true to yourself, right? xxo
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Kristi_Maristi Reply:
June 24th, 2010 at 5:20 AM
Is that why you never come visit me anymore? =(
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silenceandnoise Reply:
June 24th, 2010 at 12:43 PM
Ha ha… NOO! I love you and I do visit your blog, but have not been able to leave a comment!! I have tried. I write the comment and press "submit" and then BOOM, it's gone forever. Plus, herroooou, you don't have an inch of fake in you and that's why I love you so <3 <3 <3
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June 21st, 2010 - 8:41 AM
I clicked over to your "infamous" post from a really great post over at "not Super Just Mom." I loved what she had to say. And I think many of us who have suffered from PMDs commented bcs we care so passionately about other moms never never never having to face the ignorance and hatred we often did when we were honest and then were told "man up." I get that you feel misunderstood, but when you write about something as serious as PPD and bring PPD into it, I think you really need to be much more careful than you were about what you say. You have some influence here, and your words have consequences. Those of us who felt that you hurt lots of moms with what you said and made the work of helping those with PMDs that much harder are asking you (some of us more nicely than others, I'll grant) to be more careful with your words, to recognize that you have influence, and to tread with a bit more respect and carefulness than you did.
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June 24th, 2010 - 12:52 AM
Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to comment or not, but as I was mentioned in the comments, I feel compelled to respond.
I, too, suffer from Alena and Joanna's "not-Catholic-but-have-the-guilt" problem. I want people to like me. But I won't compromise myself and my beliefs to make that happen. I will, however, be sad when people don't like me. And I'll probably get a little furious at the argument and my fingers will fly across the keyboard in a fit of rage and I'll delete and think "but I want them to like me." It's weird. Anyway, I hope that I'm not one of those you're talking about disliking in this post/on twitter/in the blogosphere/etc.
In the post that I wrote in response to your post and Blair's post, I tried to be neutral because that's what I think this whole thing needed. It didn't NEED sides. It needed a middle ground. It needed moms supporting other moms. I might struggle with PPD and feeling like giving up and need support with that. Another mom not suffering from PPD might be having a terrible, horrible, no good, really bad month and need some help, too. We're all in this together. I hope that's what people took away from my post, because that's how I meant it.
As I've seen other PPD moms rage against the post you made, I've tried to comment and say "that is not what she meant…that is not what she meant at all…" (J. Alfred Prufrock, anybody?) because I DON'T think that's what you meant. I think that's how it was perceived, but I don't think that's what you meant.
To comment on your original idea here in this post, I do think that to be honest you have to be willing to ruffle a few feathers. That's sound advice for blogging and life.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
June 24th, 2010 at 4:42 AM
OMG! So- t totally wasn't any of the POSTS it was in comments. I loved your post mama!
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notsuperjustmom Reply:
June 24th, 2010 at 12:57 PM
I kind of feel like a douche because I read this, then posted my comment, then went back and read my post and saw where you commented and I was all "D'oh!" But, I figured I'd leave this comment up there in case anyone didn't read it.
And yes, the posts themselves that day were each fine in their own right. The comments are where it got out of control.
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