So, I’m going to interrupt your regularly scheduled happiness & tell you I sometimes kinda HATE the difference in the amount of parenting I do compared to Scott. I mean don’t get me wrong. I appreciate all the help he gives me. But yeah. I especially get offended because the twins go down around 9PM and must be woken around 11-12 to eat & be changed. Then they sleep through the rest of the night. On a regular day to day basis, I don’t mind this being my job. Because, I am an insomniac and I am usually up. But recently, I have been sooooo super tired. And at 9 PM I will be tired enough to fall asleep. But, I stay up. & CONVENIENTLY Scott always comes in the bedroom after playing video games till he’s blue in the face and passes out 5 seconds before bottle time. EVERY NIGHT. I get that he’s tired. I get that he has to get up in the morning and do manual labor. But, I have to get up early too. I could have fallen asleep easily at 9 PM tonight, but now that I have woken up, fed & changed & gotten them back down? I’m wide awake.
Basically- I wake up at 8 AM with the kids. I am going until midnight most days. While the kids sleep- I clean. It’s not like I get time to do much else.
I would just love one night for my husband to be like: ‘Babe, I’ve got the late feeding tonight!’ or even better? ‘Babe, I’ve got the night feeding & the 8:30AM feeding. And don’t worry. I’ll feed Hudson too.’
July 12th, 2010 - 7:16 AM
at least he has a sort of excuse to be tired (manual labor, not the video games lol) but yeah, help would be nice. my bf? 'im soooo tired'. video games.
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July 12th, 2010 - 1:27 PM
I so know what you're saying. I love my husband and he's a GREAT dad, but when he's like "Babe! You sleep in this morning!" and I can hear Joshua having a meltdown in the living room because the H doesn't know what to do with him? Yeah. I just get up and take care of things.
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Suzanne Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 6:56 PM
YES. Or I go downstairs after my day to sleep in (spoken 8 am) and the baby hasn't been changed or dressed, the dog hasn't been fed and the kitchen is still a disaster from the night before. All things that are supposed to be included in Saturday morning chores.
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July 12th, 2010 - 1:35 PM
I feel ya. When Lucy was first born my boyfriend and I were both off work for almost 10 months. I still did all the night feedings, never took a nap unless Lucy was sleeping and basically took care of all her needs, unless I asked him. I shouldn't have had to ask right? You wouldn't think so.__The offering is so huge though, if only they realized how easy it would be to make us happy. __Now he's working accross the country and Im basically a single mom, but its not much different ya know?__Hope it gets better for ya
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July 12th, 2010 - 2:10 PM
I feel the same way, but I only have one baby! My biggest pet peeve is when I am cooking dinner and hubs says his watch the little guy to keep him out of the kitchen and ends up screwing around on the computer while the baby cries at the baby gate in the kitchen door.
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Suzanne Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 6:57 PM
TOTALLY THIS TOO. Except we don't even have a gate between the play room and the kitchen so every ten seconds I'm prying baby fingers off my pants and plopping him back on the couch where my husband is on the laptop. I'M SORRY I DON'T WANT THE BABY CLIMBING IN THE OVEN and it's too inconvenient for you to help with that.
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July 12th, 2010 - 2:20 PM
JPW takes a 30 minute bathroom break every morning while I've already been up for an hour, nursed, fed, washed and dressed the baby. Then he asks what needs to be done. NOTHING!!! The baby doesn't understand waiting and she isn't quiet about letting us know she's hungry or bored. I feel ya! I think I'm going to start disappearing into the bathroom for at least 30 minutes, just to get some peace and alone time.
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July 12th, 2010 - 2:39 PM
I certainly don't like having to ask Mungee's Pa for help. It shouldn't feel like I'm inconveniencing him by simply asking him to help feed Mungee or change her diaper. Unfortunately men just don't think like we do most of the time and we have to be specific in letting them know when we need, or would just LIKE help.
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July 12th, 2010 - 9:13 AM
boo, that sucks mama. I'm sorry! You could for sure use a little extra sleep once in a while. I understand what you're saying about the duties not evening out. It's all me from the time MJ wakes up, until almost 8pm most nights. Our days are long, especially when teething. BUT, luckily Mercer really does give me a major break on the weekends. I'm super grateful for it, otherwise I'd probably lose my mind.
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July 12th, 2010 - 4:48 PM
I'd tell him. Men don't have much forethought, so he might not even think about it. Tell him once or twice a week you'd love it if he could do the nighttime feedings. He might surprise you and say "okay" without another word.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 5:49 PM
Yeah, I've done that. lol. Still waiting for help.
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July 12th, 2010 - 7:05 PM
Oh man, posts like this always make me all angry and bitter and grrrrr MEN! when the truth is E has been doing a pretty good job helping out, especially while he was on vacation. I think the biggest challenge is when one parent works outside of the home and the other works at home the second works always ends up sounding like "works". As in, how much "work" is staying home all day? The truth is some days it's total cake and I am SO GLAD it's my job. And other days I'm two seconds from plopping the kid in the nearest daycare and applying at McDonald's just so I can get a moment of peace.
And of course the days E is home the baby is always good so it looks like I'm exaggerating how stressful it can be.
I think the key is designate a certain night as "his" night and even if it means you STILL have to get up and remind him to help. The other key is to remember it won't last forever and next August you'll be leaving all three kids in his care for an ENTIRE WEEKEND so you can come hang out with me at BlogHer 11.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 7:39 PM
It's true. Let's start the countdown to next August! And eff a weekend- if it's in NYC or somewhere awesome I am calling in reinforcements so I can go for a WEEK.
ANd YES! Dude, I hate the "i'll watch the baby" only to have his trying to help me take dinner from the oven or climb in the dishwasher. It's like "uhhhhh are you watching this kid OR WHAT!?"
Luckily Scott DOES help a lot & I should probably give him a ton of credit for allowing me Friday nights with my friends etc. But, at midnight when I am so effing tired I can't see straight and am up feeding babies and changing babies and he has been asleep for literally 8 minutes I want to throw something. Because he could have just stayed up 20 minutes longer and fed & changed one kid and then we could be tired together. And I'd appreciate getting to sleep 10 minutes earlier.
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Jen Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 4:12 AM
OH. MY. GOD. I couldn't agree more with this, especially the part about the child being soooo good when Dad is with her. I only work part time and I'm in school full time, and the other day I worked at 8am and so I was up and out of the house by 7:45. My daughter decided that she would sleep until 8:30 AM, which is pretty good to begin with. OH. NO. THEN she took a bottle and immediately fell back asleep until he WOKE HER UP at 11:15 AM. I'm like no wonder you think I do nothing all day haha! That NEVER happens for me
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Jen Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 4:13 AM
Oh yeah, and of course as he went to work at 1pm and there was obviously zero napping that day.
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July 12th, 2010 - 11:58 PM
I try really hard not to complain b/c hubs tries to be super helpful, but there was always that thing of like when he does the laundrey – is he doing this poorly on purpose so I never let him wash our whites and darks together again? His version of getting up w/ Ivy used to be to pick her up and bring her into bed w/ us, swollen wet dipe and all till she cries for her milk and I get up anyway to make it. But lately on the rare occasion he gets up w/ her he's been actually changing her and making her bottle so I can sleep in. This is good.
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July 12th, 2010 - 7:22 PM
Oh my gosh, men. My partner has started getting up at 7am with our son (and so he should, I get up to him all through the night) and while I appreciate that, I still have to change him, dress him and feed him immediately after I am woken up about two hours later. I don't know what they do for those two hours…
Recently, I was woken up deliberately with a smelly butt right up to my face. I had to stumble out of bed and clean up one of the worst poops ever, because he was 'making a point'. I still have no idea what the 'point' was (especially since I perform almost every single change in this house) and I was shitty with him for the rest of the day.
I'm finally understanding that with guys, you really have to tell them what you want them to do, but I also know that sometimes, even that doesn't help. Sometimes, they're just frigging frustrating.
I hope you get your wish soon.
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July 13th, 2010 - 2:47 AM
Have you tried suggesting switching off nights? We did that with my oldest. He took four nights and I took three (I took more week day nights because he got up early to go to work). With the baby we now have a time agreement–if it's before 3am it's me, after 3am it's him. The girls basically sleep through the night now but there's usually a few nights where either one decides to wake up. And believe me, I've waited it out until 3:01 and said, "you're up!"
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July 12th, 2010 - 8:28 PM
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michele Brown, Emmie Bee. Emmie Bee said: Blog:: Sometimes, you need to complain. http://www.emmiebee.com/2010/07/12/sometimes-you-need-to-complain/ [...]
July 13th, 2010 - 6:11 AM
I love it when hubs finally takes the baby for like 5 minutes, then walks up to me and says "here, do you want to take him" or "hey, do you want to change his diaper?" Yeah, I definitely don't want to miss ANY diapers today. not. one. thanks. Grr.
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July 15th, 2010 - 4:18 AM
I'm honestly so relieved to see this post! As much as I'm sorry that this happens to you, I was beginning to think I was crazy for asking the things I ask of my boyfriend. All of your commentors have hit so many nails right on the head. My boyfriend and I don't live together, but he stays over a few nights a week, but that being said, parenting isn't necessarily a full time job for him just yet. AND, he was NEVER over in the beginning when she was waking up 4 times a night, so I want to say "Boy, you don't know what tired is!" I do think that they try, but sometimes I wonder if they just don't get it or just don't want to get it. Plus, while I do understand that he may need to be explicitly told what to do more, then that just makes me into a nagger. And I don't like being a nagger.
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July 15th, 2010 - 11:39 AM
get ready for a lame comment…."ditto".
I went to bed at midnite and I've been up since 7am, which is "late" if Sawyer has her say, she a 630 kinda gal
I could have written your post so your totally not alone but I'm sure it helps to vent.
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July 15th, 2010 - 2:53 PM
I always struggle with how to reply to posts like this because I know you're not asking for someone to fix it (well, you ARE but since I'm not your husband I'm obviously not the one with that power). But all I can offer are things that worked for us when we had issues like this. What about giving him one set day a week (to start! later more?) when he's the one who does the night feeding so you CAN just go to sleep at 9 and not worry about it? Like dude, it's tuesday AKA your night, I'm going to bed, don't forget to do diapers and bottles before you hit the sack. And is it ok for him to do it twenty minutes earlier? I don't know the situation but if you can push the task up a few minutes so that it's within his window… possibly better odds for success? Just some thoughts. Sorry you're so tired, it really does impact how you feel about everything!
PS, caring for 2 babies and a toddler all day IS manual labor… just sayin.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 5:47 PM
He can do it at 1030. the problem is- he is up doing what he wants and then at 1130 is suddenly SO TIRED that he can't stay up 10 minutes longer to help. At 1030, at 11 he's fine and awake and like "Yeah, I'll totally help" and then 1130, 12 suddenly it's like CRASH! NM! You're on your own. lol. I asked him after writing this post to make an effort to realize that he is getting too tired and to feed ONE BABY before he gets too tired. He agreed. It's been alright since. Not perfect but I can't ask for that. So, I am basically cool with the outcome. Sometimes, you just need to vent. And at 12 midnight when you are tired- the internet is your friend!
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July 16th, 2010 - 1:33 AM
I hear ya…lmao. And you know what? I think I read a study somewhere that said manual labor is supposedly less exhausting then parenting/office work because it gives you endorphines {please excuse my spelling…too lazy to look it up}. But what do I know? lmfao.
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July 19th, 2010 - 8:40 PM
Ugh, I feel ya lady. Because I'm already a mommy failure, Mac has been sleeping in bed with us on his boppy pillow. The Husband is insisting we get him into the bassinet and I totally agree he needs to get out of our bed (it just can't be healthy to have him there) but, more often than not, I'm exhausted when it comes time to get him into the bassinet. And while The Husband says WE need to get him out of the bed, somehow I'M the one who winds up sitting up with the baby for 2 hours while I try to get him acclimated to his new surroundings. Of course, once The Husband hears him cry, suddenly THEN it's okay to bring the baby back in bed with us because The Husband doesn't like his sleep disturbed.
Oh, and today, when The Husband took a sick day from work and I rejoiced because it meant I'd have time to get some work done, somehow I wound up spending most of the morning with the baby while The Husband played video games and looked for the season finale of The Wire online.
Ummm…what? Unacceptable.
Blergh, he's a great dad but sometimes…he just does NOT get it!!
I feel like these guys are able to turn the dad switch on and off whereas we ALWAYS feel responsible for these kids. And I'm happy I'm the one Mac relies on and is comforted by, but I wouldn't mind a little more equal parenting time.
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Emmie Bee Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 8:10 AM
That, my friend is EXACTLY IT. We need to find the on/off switch & then somehow rig the dudes switch to ALWAYS ON and then see how THEY feel.
PS: Baby Mac: Adorable. & on his first birthday- I am totally sending him something with a big mac on it.
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