A long time ago, when the twins were first born I wrote a post about motherhood the way I saw it. It stirred many emotions in people because at the time I was criticizing two women who were struggling with motherhood & who also happened to have postpartum depression. And though I wasn’t criticizing postpartum depression, I get why people flipped. Having no idea what it felt like to feel lost on this motherhood journey, I had no idea what they felt or feel & I shouldn’t have applied it to myself. I still stand by my thought that motherhood is a ‘big girl panties’ situation – but I realize that my journey is different than anyone else’s- because it’s *my* journey. And though I have the right to say exactly what I think on my blog- I probably should have realized how it was hurtful when writing it.
Why am I talking about a post over a year old?
Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.
And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.
I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.
Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.
There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.
And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)
I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?
The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’
So I guess that counts for something.
Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.
August 12th, 2011 - 5:23 AM
Just wanted to say I read this, I get this oh so much and you rock for putting it all out there. Even the “I know where this fits in the scheme of life stuff” without apologizing for you how feel. I think that’s what I love about you. Your ability to be so real. Good luck with the kiddos. For what it’s worth, I’m taking notes so that when the baby starts walking I’ll have some idea what I’m in for.
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August 12th, 2011 - 10:21 AM
I wrote a somewhat similar post the other day. I was quite literally going nuts. And I only have ONE so I can’t even imagine how you do it sometimes. It’s definitely the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life (parenting). I told Mercer the other day that nothing has ever made me feel absolutely crazier. One second I’m blind with rage over something milo has done & 5 minutes later I’m almost tearing up at how damn cute he is or the hilarious thing he just said. If that’s not the definition of crazy then I don’t know. I seriously never have a break either. I think we need to allow ourselves more “me” time. I hope you can get a system down that the toddler army can understand and makes things easier for you guys. Just so you know, we all are going through the same thing, some people just like to pretend that their kids are the next baby jesus and do no wrong….
xoxoxxoxoxo
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August 12th, 2011 - 11:08 AM
Emily, Just wait till they are teenagers…xxoo
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August 12th, 2011 - 11:32 AM
I wonder if getting a part time job (even 10 hrs a week) would help your sanity. I mean its not going to net you any money but it would get you out of the house so you could recharge a bit. Just an idea. Sorry you’re stressed.
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August 12th, 2011 - 7:08 PM
I can totally relate to this post… minus the three kids… motherhood is crazy hard sometimes… you can be rah-rah motherhood and still have moments of frustration. and I could have TOTALLY written the part about wanting to hand them off to your husband when he comes home, but yet wanting to wake them up in the middle of the night just to say, I love you. I’m. So. There. hang in there… you’re doing a fantastic job… it’s written all over every picture! and I LOVED the part where you wrote some women are just wanting to be mothers. really puts things into perspective… ::hugs::
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August 14th, 2011 - 10:11 AM
I’m late to this shindig but I wanted to say how much I admire you and your amazing mothering skills. I love that your love for your kids shines through even when you’re frustrated and I love that you can admit you’re struggling and I love that you are embracing your feelings and looking for support.
My kids are no where near as much work as three toddlers must be, but I also spend a fair amount of time saying “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW?!” Damn kids think it’s hilarious. I feel like I’m going plum crazy by 5 pm every day and even getting a break for a weekend has only helped a little. It’s going to take until preschool before I start to feel less exhausted. I hope. If I have to wait another 18 years I’m going to lose it.
p.s. Evan does that “Mama. Mama. Mama. Mom. Mom. MOM.” thing too, and I also think of Stewie every time.
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August 15th, 2011 - 8:23 AM
I wanted to comment on this post the very second I read it, but naturally Mac decided to have a meltdown over the fact that I wouldn’t let him play IN the fireplace OR chew on electric cords OR pull a bookcase down on him. I’m obviously a total meanie.
Anyway, I love you. And honestly? I think your original post is still relevant. I don’t think this post negates the idea that sometimes, we just need to put our big girl pants on and accept that we signed up for the baby coos AND the temper tantrums and that if we really admit it, we knew we were in for equal amounts of both (even if it feels like we’re getting a lot more temper tantrums than cooing).
I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed right now. It sucks when you feel like you are trying to gain control over a lawless society of toddlers who only want to fling themselves off the highest piece of furniture and grind raisins into each others hair. But you’re not alone and there’s no shame in posting about this stuff. Because I notice with all of your “OMG WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!” posts, you tend to end each post far more optimistically than you started. I think writing helps you see the humor in all of this.
So even if there are days you threaten to sell the kids out front in a box as if they’re a litter of puppies (what? I can’t be the ONLY one who threatens that!), writing about this stuff can help you maintain your sanity in the grand scheme of things.
I feel like I rambled a lot in this comment. Did I make any sense?
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August 17th, 2011 - 1:09 AM
:]
i realize that just leaving a smiley face as a comment looks kind of creepy but honestly im too tired right now from my crazy toddler to do much else. but yes, i like this :]
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