The kids are having a great time & are learning so much at such an amazing rate. Hudson is officially 33 months & the twins are almost 20 months.

Hudson is a real character. He has stopped using the “potty” and now uses the adult real toilet. With no help. In fact, the other day I was in the bathroom & he told me to “leave him alone” and made me wait outside while he took care of the entire thing himself. He is super obsessed with Star Wars ( even though he’s never seen it) and spends most of the day singing the theme song super-dramatic like (“duhhh Nahhhhhh nanana NAH NAH duhnah NANA NAHHHHH nah nah nah NAHHHHH!”) with hand motions even. SO ridiculous. He pretty much refuses to drink from a sippy cup anymore. He doesn’t like tv much, but loves youtube & Disney movies. He is getting even better at drawing people & homeboy now tells me almost daily that his birthday is in January.

The twins are talking a lot more. They are also starting to potty train themselves! Truman always tells us when he needs to go and Sawyer is getting better, I think having Hudson using the potty has made them super interested. They even both went at Scott’s aunt’s house today on the big potty! I am impressed at how quickly they are picking it up. Sawyer has been having sleep issues lately which have been keeping me up. She is teething & taking it pretty hard. The other night thanks to Sawyer’s crying I ended up with an hour sleep & three kids in my bed. I must have passed out at some point because I woke up to the toilet flushing- only to find the boys egging on Sawyer as she flushed Game Boy games down the toilet. No Joke! Sawyer is about a week from climbing out of her crib which is scary & I’m pretty sure they will be in toddler beds before their birthday.

I’ve been sick this week which has been kind of shitty. I’ve been trying my best not to let it hold me back from all my plans. Last night I saw Portishead at The Greek Theatre in Berkeley with my sister-in-laws & my buddy Kelsey. It was AMAZING. Beth Gibbons’ voice was basically flawless. They sound like a recording- even live. It was really spectacular. I remember the first time I saw the video for Sour Times on MTV on Beavis & Butthead in like 6th or 7th grade. Been hooked ever since! & since the last time they played in the area was 1998 (which I missed for whatever reason) I was STOKED to finally see them live after being a fan for 15+ years.

Tonight we went to Scott’s aunt’s house & had dinner. The weather was really summery & we played soccer out in the yard. Until, that is- I kicked the ball full force & it went straight into the back of Truman’s head! It was so loud I thought for sure we were hospital bound but he didn’t even flinch. I was like “uhhh, you ok, Tru?” He was like “YEAH!” and that was that. I felt HORRIBLE but thank god it wasn’t serious & he was totally unfazed.

We went to the pumpkin patch Tuesday & Krust got some really cute little pictures. I plan to upload them to Facebook, so if we aren’t friends on the book- go ahead & add me!

Music has always been very important in my life. Though I sing ridiculously off key & can can only play two songs on guitar from memory- my life and many of it’s memories involve music. It’s an amazing gift that a musician has. To be able to define moments in complete strangers lives. To make you cry & laugh & smile & dance. There are artists, albums & songs that will always be a part of who I am. Things I can go back to when I need to find strength or reason or happiness.

When I hear “Saw her Standing There” by The Beatles, I will forever think of being around 6 in the family room that eventually became my little brother’s room with my dad & uncle. They used to play guitar together. Set up amps, microphones, etc. And that song I always got to sing with them. I will forever see my father in that song. And, though our relationship hasn’t always been wonderful- that memory is pure love.

“Piece of my heart” by Janis Joplin makes me remember decorating our first Christmas tree in Danville, & probably for a few years after that. It was such a fun tradition to bring out the old records after we’d switched to CDs at Christmas & sing and dance around the living room. Forget Christmas music- Janis is where it’s at. Also: my mom, though I probably don’t say it enough is one of the coolest people who ever lived.

“Runaround” by Blues Traveler- though a family favorite for years before- will always remind me of my brother & the one night we recorded ourselves singing it while he played guitar. And how hard we laughed at the recording. That day had actually been one of the hardest days of my life. And I’m not even sure if my brother knew what had gone on that day- but little 13 year old Andrew really helped me out of a dark place that night.

I have songs “with” people & “for” people, for emotions & moods. I have songs that remind me of every single person I’ve ever met. Living & dead. People who knew & those who didn’t.

But, few albums move me the way Harvest Moon does. It’s strange, because in my childhood- it was a sad album. An album overplayed in my house as my parents divorced. It was always a beautiful album- but connected to a lot of sad memories.  And then one night- 20 years later- I played it for the 3 of you as you went to sleep. And the tradition continued. For days, weeks, months. There are only a few albums I put you three to sleep listening to & this one is by far the most special. It’s sometimes hard to put into words those moments in life where everything clicks- but when I hear the first three notes of “unknown legend” & I look at the three of you & your smiling faces? It’s the most amazing feeling. I love picking Sawyer up to dance with me while Truman dances along in his crib. And now instead of this beautiful album being tied to sad times- it’s tied to this night time ritual we’ve created. And as I dance with you I find myself thinking, hoping- that those same three notes that begin the album will one day bring you back to this moment. Even if you are still too young to really REMEMBER, I am willing to bet this song will always find you peaceful & happy- like a drowsy happy baby in your mommy’s arms.

Mommy.

Because it’s hilarious. It’s at least 5+ years old because it was in my old apartment Scott & I inhabited before buying our (now for sale!) condo. I don’t eat turkey legs. I don’t even like them. I think the sheer SIZE of this here turkey leg was so amazing that I had to pose with it in “i’m pretending to eat you” fashion.

It may be 1 am & I may have spent the last 3 hours going through photos & art with Krust trying to figure out what will make it’s way out into the house. But, in reality I spent the time looking at old pictures DYING over how many sweet & hilarious moments I’ve spent with great people over the last 28 years! GOOD TIMES, guys.

Other than digging DEEP into the photo archives, lately I’ve been so all consumed with the life that is in front of me that this blog has officially fallen to the wayside. But, I intend to rediscover my voice soon. I have realized that having a place to organize even my most mundane thoughts is cathartic for me. And right now, in the thick of so many thoughts- I do need to write. Not for anyone reading but for me to just get into the universe & out of my very busy braindome.

Though I feel like so much has happened lately that I almost don’t know where to start. Can I do bullet points? Yes? Ok. Here goes:

-We’ve officially moved. Over a month ago. The new place is AMAZING & big & gives me the most amazing feeling. It’s the perfect place for us right now & we are loving putting everything together piece by piece.

-My kids are adorable, smart, funny & amazing. As if there was any doubt.

-My kids are insane, infuriating & absolutely driving me to an early grave with a layover at a mental hospital.

-I got bit my a spider & it got super infected & I got cellulitis & am on antibiotics.

-Truman fell backwards off a bench & hit his head on a brick planter & there was blood & it was scary.

-I have visited Ikea at least 4 times.

-We had a garage sale & made good money.

-We went to an AMAZING wedding at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

-We went to a Giants game.

-Our condo officially had it’s first open house.

-Sawyer & Truman are practically real-life humans who do 90% of what Hudson does now & say new words daily. Today: “Waffles.” They are officially 18 months old & are winning at life.

-Hudson is 32 months & an amazing little dude. The conversations we have at this point blow my mind. It’s amazing when you realize (even though you’ve been communicating well for some time) “Holy crap. This kid has about 80% of my vocabulary totally down.”

-This morning Hudson almost fell out of his chair & said “JESUS CHRIST!” and I laughed. Which probably wasn’t the appropriate response but it’s clear he listens to me say it because his inflection is dead on. He also told me bananas were “so nasty” the other day.

-Sawyer is the most beautiful dainty little creature. I’m beginning to think nature vs nurture is BS because she doesn’t have many “girl” things & homegirl’s first three words were “mommy” “daddy” & “shoes.” All she wants to do is put on clothes on top of clothes all day. And try on shoes. She is still a bit reserved & though she is still weird when she first gets around most people she warms up really quick & loves to smile & cuddle & be all around adorable. But homegirl farts, burps & poops like a truck driver. It’s pretty amazing.

-related: Sawyer doesn’t laugh very often but today she was laughing about something & it was the most amazing little laugh ever.

-Truman is still the most adorable, sweet little tank ever born- but he loves hitting people in the face. and he is freakishly strong. We’re working on it.

-Scott has been INSANELY busy. Leaving before 730 most days & getting home at 7 or later. Friday night it was after 10. No complaints as far as making money, but I sure miss hanging out more!

So, that’s what’s going on over here. What’s up with you?

“good one. Kelsey” (my bgff (best guy friend forever)) “is a bad monkey.”

“funny you’d bring him up.”

“come on mom. Go ahead and give me a good monkey kiss.”

Not sure what it all means, but conversations with a 32 month old? Are hilarious.

Sometimes I feel so guilty about you. You are my middle child, beating your sister by only two minutes. And though I WANTED Sawyer to be the youngest because there is something about having two older brothers for protection that I loved, I feel like you are missing so many things. From clothes that have never been worn to the fact that you often get pushed out of games when Sawyer and Hudson are playing together. It hurts me to think that someday you may feel slighted.

Crazy lady mommy guilt? Maybe.

But I cant shake it off.

So I wanted to tell you how special you are. How beautiful and caring you are. How at 17 month old I know in my heart that though you may look like a Tokarski, you are your father on the inside. I see so many beautiful similarities in your personalities and I know not to mistake your giving nature and quiet demeanor for even the tiniest bit of weakness. You are amazing and strong.

Hudson picks on you because you LET him. Not in the sense that you invite it, but in the sense that if you couldn’t take it- you’d let him know. You are a tenacious learner. I love watching your mind work.  You are introverted and seem content doing your own thing. Though you are quick to cry over hurt feelings, you rarely cry from physical bumps or bruises. Your sensitivity astounds me. Your empathy is beyond your years.

I want you to know how much your smile brightens my day & how much your silly giggle or overenthusiastic “MAMA!” makes me smile.

My mom used to tell me that she loved my brother & I the same- but differently.

I hope you never ever feel any less than loved with all my heart.

-Mommy.

(Parents: If you have more than 1 child, children of similar ages or multiples, how do you balance the time you spend with each child? Especially when another child tends to be needy? …I’m looking at you, Hudson Owen!)

Why am I talking about a post over a year old?

Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.

And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.

I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.

Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.

There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.

And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)

I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?

The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’

So I guess that counts for something.

Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.

Krust made this with Legos with Hudson. So awesome. I’m not a baseball fan but my husband has been ALL about it this season & even has Hudson in on the fandamonium. (Yes, I made up a word)

Sawyer is such a girl. Here she is caring a pink backpack. It has her babydoll in it.

Truman looks like he’s rocking a bodybuilder pose in this picture. Hilarious.

Did I mention that the kids climb in & out of the playpen ALREADY.

Filoli.

They look like twins in this picture. That doesn’t happen often.

Hudson’s outfit is classic. “Classic” as in: He peed his pants and PJ bottoms were all I had to put him in. And they were striped- like his shirt.

Here is Bantam (the cat) giving Blue (the dog) a bath.

Lego bed for Lego giraffe to take a nap.

That’s the view of the SF Bay from the living room of our new place.

The Berenstain Bears live in a big treehouse down a sunny dirt road deep in bear country. And Hudson insisted on building said treehouse with Antikrust. (That’s Auntie Krust- but I have always dreamed of my children one day referring to my SIL as THE ANTI KRUST because it will totally freak people out.) (Also, maybe Krust was the one who insisted on the Lego playing. Who knows.)

My dad never allowed me to dye my hair. He can’t ground me anymore though!

Sawyer doing what she does best- trying on shoes. (Cousin Nick’s)

The twins went to bed and then Scott & Krust brought out Scott’s Legos to play. They even let Hudson join them!

Playing on the dog beds. Why do they love to do this so much?!

Tru cooking up some “food”.

Seriously he is too much.

I am Cornholio!

4 Truman pics in a row. I cant help it.

Twin Love.

Brothers up-past-their-bedtime-with-popsicles Love.

Hud got his first legit New Era baseball cap.

Gotta keep it fresh with the gold sticker.

This outfit is hilarious. Such a stylish little dude.

Sawyer loved the outfit so much she needed to hug it out.

Soy & Hud & a big scary tiger at the SF Zoo.

After he got a New Era cap- suddenly he starts wearing Jordans.

Crazy, right? Harry & Pepper were a gay penguin couple in SF with a son named Chuck Norris. Until one of them strayed… WITH A GIRL! LINDA! What a trollop that Linda is!

Sawyer LOVED roaming at the Zoo.

Sometimes it’s more reality then I care to deal with! That sounds crazy, I’m sure- but sometimes it’s nice to sweep this crap under the rug. Sometimes it’s nice to forget all your problems & just be happy. Luckily, Scott & I only seem to fight when business or bills are involved & since today was Saturday we had a wonderful day. Which is just what our family needed to recoup from another really tough week of trying to figure out how to move forward.

We decided to head up to Filoli today with the kids to walk around for a little while. We have a membership & free fun equals a good time! So, we tied the wagon to the top of the PT Cruiser- side note: we need a bigger car. I mean seriously. It’s ridiculous. But, obviously that’s not happening for a long time! Anyhow- we tied the wagon to the PT & went to pick up sandwiches at a local gourmet grocery I love. Hudson & I went in while Scott & the twins sat in the car & I let Hudson do a lot of the shopping. He is really something! Seriously! He chose Watermelon juice for himself & gooseberries as our fruit. I had never seen gooseberries before. They were really tart but it was kinda like eating warheads so it was fun! He also met a set of boy girl twins who were sitting in a stroller at the deli counter. He went right up to them and said “A baby like Tutu & a baby like Soysoy” as he pointed to the boy & the girl. It’s funny he gets that they were twins like T & S. He also wore UNDERWEAR on this outing for the first time.

Anyhow, we got to Filoli and had our lunch. Then we loaded up the kids and enjoyed a nice walk through the gardens. I feel like it’s been a long time since we’ve been there. The twins sat up in the wagon and looked around. They were interested in everything around them. Hudson asked questions about the flowers. He learned about Roses (which for some reason he says are Sawyer flowers) Lavender, poppies and dahlias. I loved telling him the facts I knew about stuff but of course at 2 I doubt he cared about most of them, he just wanted to smell them all. “Smells so good mommy!” He did LOVE watching the bumble bees and honey bees pollenating the flowers. In the lavender section it was like the bushes were alive. There were hundred upon hundreds of bees. Hudson kept asking us to “shhh” and when we’d fall silent we’d hear the buzz of the swarm and then Hudson would chime in buzzing along! It was adorable. Once we got home he was still talking about the bees. That they make honey. And like purple lavender and poppies and Sawyer flowers. It’s so funny how much of a child he’s become in only a few months. This age group is amazing because they learn SO FAST. It’s something new every day & it is such a treat to watch.

We DID have our first accident today at Filoli. All my bragging. I was sure my kid would just be potty trained. But, as he watched the babbling fountain at Filoli, a little pool formed at his feet & though I was prepared with a new outfit (a super ridiculous one at that), I was a little disappointed. I know he’s only been at it exactly a week. He’ll get it soon. I know it. Once we got home it was business as usual. No accidents.

This evening was just as enjoyable. I had Starbucks with my sister-in-laws. We gave all the kids baths. Krust & I got the material for the dress she’s making me to wear to our friend Carolynn’s wedding. I set up my new printer which I had to break down & buy since ours took a crap and I had no way of billing my customers. It’s AMAZING what leaps and bounds printers have made in the last 6 years! It’s a whole new ballgame! I made a wonderful yummy healthy dinner. And then ruined it with two scoops of Baskin Robbins. We watched the kids giggle together at dinner & play legos. I folded all the laundry. I watched ‘The Kids are Alright’ & cried like a chump. It really was an awesome & productive day & tomorrow will hopefully be just as wonderful as we are looking at a few rental houses and my mama is spending the night to help with the kids.

I am grateful for the weekends more than I ever have been. Right now we don’t just want them, we need them. It’s our time as a family to relax and reconnect. To realize how awesome what we have is. This family of ours has a real great thing together. Times like these I know money doesn’t matter. I would still be this happy in a tiny apartment or a cardboard box, so long as I had my husband, children, family & amazing friends. But, winning the lottery wouldn’t hurt either.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Fingers crossed.

Scott decided to try the 3 day bootcamp outline from Babycenter.com on Saturday while I was out. As I said in my last post Hudson had quite a few accidents. But by Sunday he only had 1. And Monday- He had 1 but realized it said “oh no!!” and ran to finish on the toilet. So I was pretty stoked on that. We hadn’t left the house except to walk the dogs or to play on the porch since we weren’t confident enough to take him out. Yesterday rolled around and I wasn’t expecting miracles. But he had zero accidents. None. To reward him for his excellent toilet skills, last night I took him to the bookstore. I got him dressed (we’ve been doing the zero pants plan) and put a diaper on him. I told him that if he needed to use the bathroom at the bookstore to tell me because he wasn’t supposed to go in a diaper anymore.

We spent a solid 60 minutes at the bookstore. We read books and played trains and rode the escalator. It was a really great little outing. Hudson was so happy and though I felt sort of guilty for doing something with just Hudson, I realized that as Truman and Sawyer get older there will be plenty of opportunities to do activities with each individually.

Anyhow, we picked up a few books and made our way home. He never told me he had to go so I figured he’d have a wet diaper when we got home.

But there wasn’t. His diaper was bone dry. And he continued to go on the toilet the rest of the night.

The best news of all came this morning when Hudson woke up with a DRY diaper. First night in 2.5 years he’s had a dry morning diaper. So day 5 started out amazing and hasn’t quit.

Now, I am not making any bets as to if this will continue- but I am really proud of Hudson & Scott for having finally taken the initiative to start this off. Though Hudson has been going on the toilet for some time- it was never a guarantee.

Cross your fingers that Hudson will keep this up!