Why am I talking about a post over a year old?

Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.

And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.

I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.

Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.

There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.

And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)

I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?

The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’

So I guess that counts for something.

Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.

I started this week out strong with pictures but took NONE on Thursday, Friday or today. By Wednesday evening things in this house were basically in upheaval and Thursday was a nightmarish extension of Wednesday evening. (Think car got fixed & returned Wednesday only to have it break down and have to be towed away after I drove it 5 miles.) And after those two days I basically wanted to hide under a rock. Which we did. Since the weather the last few days has been shitty & I have NO CAR. Like, we are housebound. Because the only other car we have is my husband’s two-seater cargo van. Luckily, I have had a lot of wonderful friends come keep me company & sister-in-laws that drove 25 minutes from their house to take me to Whole Foods this afternoon to shop for the week. Also, what does your family spend on groceries every week and how many people are eating? I feel like our grocery bill is INSANE and is only gonna get worse as the kids eat more.

This week was spent playing & having fun- but this week was also filled with semi-sicknesses for all the kids & tantrums that were INSANE. I feel like the terrible twos are NO JOKE and the terrible 13 months are no picnic either. I spent lots of time breaking up fights over toys. Scolding Hudson for WWF-ing his siblings. Trying to contain the kids in the living room so I can keep an eye on them. Not sleeping well because Hudson hasn’t slept in his room but once this week and he hogs the bed. He also learned to open the front door and let the dogs out. Kissing boos and bumps & cuddling overtired screaming children who don’t want to give into sleep. Watching Ratatouille more times than there are days in the week. This week was trying. I was pushed hard this week. I won’t lie. I may have cried. Or sobbed uncontrollably, whatever. But, tomorrow is Easter. And though I am atheist (so this day has no religious ties for me)- there will be mimosas. And family. And my cute little ones in adorable outfits. Easter egg hunts & memories. Hopefully ZJ day will fix this week I’ve had & fix it good. Because I need some calm. I need some stress free cartwheeling in the grass fun. Or maybe just a handful of mimosas.

Why is this?
Why can a dude not just feel kinda shitty? Why must every illness be earth shatteringly awful?
Honestly, I thought this was a problem that only my husband had. Because for the last 14 years if I have a headache- his is worse. If I am tired- he is more tired. If I need a shower- he needs one first.

But when I complained to The Twitter about it, I got one answer. “He has a mancold”

A FUCKING MANCOLD!

DUHHHHH.

Scott had a mancold. My cold? though equal on all fronts- was less severe because I. DON’T. GET. TO. BE. SICK. When I am sick, I still get up with the kids. I still feed them & entertain them. I am their mother- and if I don’t- no one else will. So I have to suck it up. When I am sick, there is still laundry & dishes & people & animals to be fed. So I just do it. Even when I feel like I am dying.

But the mancold- was surely worse than mine. He had a SINUS INFECTION. A BACTERIAL INFECTION. Flu. SWINE Flu. Surely, regular medicine from Target wouldn’t cure his incredibly rare & Sudafed resistant cold. But that didn’t stop him from sending me to Target with babies to find Theraflu & throat drops & Dayquil & ET on DVD. ET on DEE. VEE. DEE. AT 830AM.

Anyone else have a man-baby on your hands every time he gets the sniffles? What are your favorite fixes to help your dude feel better?

And please don’t say Neti pot- because though it totally works- Scott refuses to follow the instructions and instead chokes and gags and dry heaves while trying to use the thing. And I am sick of looking at the spectacle.

Can’t wait to have my husband back on his game!

Truman got this really temperamental rash recently & I seriously tried EVERYTHING but the only thing that seemed to help was switching to compost diapers. And compost diapers? Well, they are freaking EXPENSIVE. Like, $1 a diaper. So, we had to leave our service that we’ve used for the last 2 years + (Tiny Tots) & started with a new company that will save us around $60/month -Earth Baby, since they are more like 50 cents a diaper + a monthly fee that breaks down to $7.50 a week. Which, when you are buying 100 diapers brings the diaper cost to around 65 cents a diaper.

We haven’t gotten our first delivery from them yet, as I just signed up today but I am really excited that they have compost pull-ups. This will hopefully be a great tool for us with Hudson’s potty training. But, I already don’t like that I have to BUY compost kitchen bags to leave our diapers out in weekly even though I am paying $30/ month for the service & the service seems to be just dropping them off & picking them up. At Tiny Tots they didn’t have a monthly fee & for $80/month it included all the supplies (bags, cloth diapers, etc)

So, I am not sure if this will even end up saving us anything.

But, we’re trying it out. We’ll see how it goes & we can always switch back. Any other moms in the bay using either one of these services? Any insight?

Sawyer has croup/RSV

Tru has RSV

Hud has an ear infecton & RSV

I have pneumonia or RSV pending results.

Scott- wades around in other people’s poo all day so he has an immunity system of steel. Bastard.

Which is why this mama is up at 12 even though I am so beyond exhausted from today. And the Prednisone. It makes me really hyper.

Me @ the hospital waiting for our prescriptions last night. The mask was more for me not to get MORE sick since I don’t really know how contagious I could be after being sick for a month. Seriously- I went to the doctor 1/4 but was told it was just a bug. If this a bug- it’s def a cockroach. (bah-dum-chhhhhhh)

& I guess I’m gonna go get Sawyer out of bed to sleep with me ’cause these seal barks are so freaking sad. My poor sick girl.

This year I decided I’d finally get cracking on cleaning out my attic. I haven’t even started on the garage. And all my “winnings” would be put towards gifts for Christmas.

Scott & I don’t usually do gifts, so basically the money would be for other people and of course, our three sweet children.

Anyways, I have been doing decently. It’s a new deal to eBay like I have been this past month, because usually I sell high end stuff and listing 30 items routinely yields $1000.00. Obviously that rules and helps a lot. But, since we have been on a budget these past few years- the items I have to sell reflect that. They are small things. Many that are selling for 99 cents. Hundreds and hundreds of 99 cent items that I have to list, sell & ship. Answering silly questions from bidders like “can you give me a numerical size for this item” – No. It’s a Large. I am not a fashion designer. It says large- it’s a large. I can’t speculate.”
Orrrrr
The lady who won an item for 99 cents and then wrote me asking if I could wait to get paid until the following week because she was waiting for her paycheck. I wrote back that I suppose I didn’t have a choice and would wait to get paid. She promptly paid with a note “I guess you really need the money.” Ummmm- NO BITCH! You’re the one who needs to save up $4.50 (with shipping.) DON’T BID IF YOU CAN’T PAY!
In the last month I have given back money on a $100 video game because eBay caps shipping prices for media at $4.00 and I spent $5.00 to ship. And of course didn’t add insurance because I already came out of my pocket & the post office smashed that game into a million bits and well, the dude wasn’t happy.
I gave back $5.00 to a lady who said my once used item looked TOO used.
I have sold 93 items so far. And only 30 people could be bothered to leave me positive feedback. Bastards.
Basically- eBaying is a lot of work. And even though ebay says I made $450 dollars this month, after ebay fees, paypal fees and coming out of my pocket on shipping- I am at $298.00 Yeah, I lost $160.00. But I keep listing because I can’t bare to NOT list the stuff.
I am hoping to make a bit more before Christmas. I want to get the kids this wagon and have about $150 more that I need on top of that. So, basically I am hoping to make another $200ish before Christmas. Luckily, our diaper service carries the wagon so I can order as late as the Tuesday before Christmas for it to be delivered with our diapers.
Anyways, I’d love if you guys could help me out. Tweet my ebay info- or retweet it when you see me tweet about it. Go have a look for yourself even. As long as you aren’t difficult to do business with. Because I don’t need more bullshit trying to offload this stuff.
The link is in my side bar. ——>
Click my eBay.
Right now I’ve got 90+ items up. And more will be coming. I can’t WAIT to have a clean attic and maybe even someday- a clean garage.
Thanks for letting me rant. Sometimes eBay just sets me OFF.

TODAY. WAS. AN. EPIC. FAILLLLLLLL.

So last week I may have briefly mentioned that Scott’s van was in the shop for well over a week? And how my car broke down on the way to pick his car up from the shop only for his car to STILL be broken and require 3 more days at SERRAMONTE FORD, which in our opinion are notorious for putting under warranty issues on the far far far back burner and keeping our van for an average of 10 days for problems that take 1 day to fix.

We made it through that alive. Sure, Scott couldn’t work as much because most of his tools were 15 miles away at the shop. Sure, it was also the month we had to pay two registrations for cars that suck a big fat dee-ick. And our cat (who can’t have more than 3 lives left) who had to have 3/4 of a digit amputated & has since had 3 infections and bills totaling a house payment. So, going into November we were already in a small hole. Things in October weren’t going our way. We were keeping our chins up, though & keeping on & all that positiveness that I usually try to exude.

Then there was yesterday.

When Scott’s van broke down AGAIN, less than a week after it’s return.

And today?

My car that inexplicably took yet ANOTHER giant shit on my life & broke down as well.

We have no cars. Scott cannot work. We are already in a hole from last month & cannot go out to make the money to get out of the hole as that hole JUST. GETS. DEEPER.

Normally, as you know, I wouldn’t say this is a huge deal. I don’t want to dramatize things, but it really was the worst day I can remember. Around 3 PM, if you visited my house you’d have seen my husband in the front of the house swearing at the top of his lungs and slamming car doors while I sobbed to my mom asking “Whyyyyyy!???? WHY USSSS!?!?!WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS BULLSHITTERY!?!?!” (yes, now it does sound over dramatized. Noted.)

But seriously.

Scott is such a hard working man. He gets up everyday & works his ass off for our family. He is a the sole income for exactly 4 humans & 3 pets. 7 mammals are dependent on his income for basically everything. He’s a 30 year old man with so much on his plate. A home. A business. A (large-ish) family. Lots of financial demands. And I think he’s cracking under the weight of that. And I can’t fix it. I don’t have the ability to go get a job that pays enough to match his income & take some burden off of him. I don’t possess the ability to leave my children in someone else’s care, even if I wanted to. I appreciate Scott SO MUCH & just wish there was a way to actually EASE his burden. I mean, I am there & supportive- but that doesn’t make this kind of stuff any easier. And, I’ll be first to admit, Scott is less than mature about how he handles stressful situations- which obviously helps NONE.

And this van, my car, the added bills & under work this last month are leaving us worn out & tired & feeling beaten down as a family. It has left us shaking our heads asking “Why us? When do WE get a break?” Yes, we are happy & healthy. We have SO. MUCH. to be grateful for, but sometimes it is so hard to not stomp your feet & throw a toddler sized tantrum over the fact that being an adult is SO. DAMN. HARD. SOMETIMES.

It’s a pretty cool playground, but I am SO SAD going there because when I was a kid it was a giant network of concrete tunnels & slides & we used to take field trips there & eat in the park & fly down the concrete slides on pieces of cardboard. It was amazing. These are pictures of the playground as it USED to be- but of course the quality sucks ass.

Anyhow- besides my sadness about the 80′s version of Coyote Point being totally gone, we had a ton of fun. My kid LOVES HIM some parks.

Clear tunnel? Yes please!

Tru on the swings. For. The. First. Time.