Why am I talking about a post over a year old?

Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.

And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.

I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.

Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.

There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.

And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)

I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?

The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’

So I guess that counts for something.

Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.

But this? Is pretty hilarious. Not sure she is REALLY saying “Hudson” but gosh it sounds like it! Plus- she LOVES Hudson so it wouldn’t surprise me that Hudson would be her first non-mama/dada word!

I put my total & complete fear of baby choking aside & graduated the kids to Cheerios. They eat puffs but basically Cheerios are the same thing. Puffs are like designer Cheerios with less nutritional value. So, we’re done with puffs in this house.

Sawyer says “Bring on the Cheerios.”

Seriously!

Despite the hilarious look on her face…. Sawyer’s blue eyes KILL ME.

I met a girl through twitter. Her twitter name is @mmarzipan & her website is HERE.

She is doing something very important- and that is spreading the importance of LOVING YOURSELF & YOUR BODY.

I’m not anywhere NEAR close to perfect. I am large. (but, possibly in charge?) I have awful stretch marks from a twin pregnancy directly after a singleton pregnancy. I quite literally have a stomach that could now be described as “a bowl full of jelly”. I’ve never been THERE before. I’ve been big, small, and everywhere in between. But honestly- I’ve never stopped loving myself & being pretty comfortable in my own skin.

And being comfortable in your own skin is SO IMPORTANT. Whatever you look like: Small, big, tall, short. Every. Single. Person. is unique & beautiful. Some, more obviously & mainstreamly than others. But you know what? Let that not take away from the fact that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I find this plight to be especially important now that I have a daughter. I have ALREADY found myself feeding into horrible self image for my daughter. I have worried about RIDICULOUS things. Is she too hairy? Why does she have those little white bumps on her nose? Is it weird she’s bigger than her brother & not the cute little frail one? Why are her feet so big? What if her stork bites don’t fade?

I mean SERIOUSLY. I have thought those things. I HAVE SAID THEM ALOUD. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. This, makes me an asshole. But, it also makes me want to work on what is obviously a problem.

Women don’t love themselves enough. I’m not 100% comfortable all the time- but if you know me personally you know I have more self esteem then probably any girl I’ve ever met. And even with all this confidence- I am ALREADY tearing down my poor helpless 7 week old daughter. Why!?! I’m kinda thinking it has to do with the fact that I am 50% of my children’s genetic make-up & it’s hard to see YOUR biggest hang-ups- body size, skin problems, straight up unibrow on your helpless daughter & not feel responsible. But, of course those aren’t her hang-ups. They are YOURS. Well, MINE.

Mara’s website has really helped me to think about how I want to help my children see the world & themselves. I have been really honest about my feelings here- and I don’t want anyone to hate me for it. But, the reason I am saying this all aloud to the internets is because it’s stopping here. My children are PERFECT. All children are PERFECT. I’M PERFECT. Because we are all perfectly OURSELVES. No one is like us & that makes us all so beautiful & wonderful & special.

Please visit Mara’s site & steal one of her “Body Image Warrior” badges for your blog. It is important that even if your self love is a work in progress that you at least put a reminder in your daily life & in the life of your readers that we are all amazing.

<3

Oh, little girl. What is there to say about Sawyer? Well, she’s not what I expected. She’s not the teeny little needy girl I thought she’d be. She’s bigger and louder than her older brother & her farts are smellier than the dogs. Sawyer is a strong girl. I can tell she will be pushing around all the boys within a few short years. She can lift her head super high and it seems every time I lay her down in the bassinet, I come back to find her up on her side. She is very relaxed when Truman is by her side, but if he isn’t with her she gets very agitated. She literally won’t sleep without him. Even if he is crying loudly right in her face- she sleeps peacefully. As soon as I pick up Truman? She cries. I guess that’s the twin thing? When I look at Sawyer I see Kristina’s infant pictures but also my own. She is definitely more my husband’s side of the family right now, but who knows how she will change. We will see. I also have a sneaking suspicion that she might have blue eyes. Her eyes are so much bluer than Truman’s are/Hudson’s were. I feel like they are getting lighter- but I could be crazy. I think it would be rad if she had blue eyes like my dad & that entire side of my family.