Music has always been very important in my life. Though I sing ridiculously off key & can can only play two songs on guitar from memory- my life and many of it’s memories involve music. It’s an amazing gift that a musician has. To be able to define moments in complete strangers lives. To make you cry & laugh & smile & dance. There are artists, albums & songs that will always be a part of who I am. Things I can go back to when I need to find strength or reason or happiness.

When I hear “Saw her Standing There” by The Beatles, I will forever think of being around 6 in the family room that eventually became my little brother’s room with my dad & uncle. They used to play guitar together. Set up amps, microphones, etc. And that song I always got to sing with them. I will forever see my father in that song. And, though our relationship hasn’t always been wonderful- that memory is pure love.

“Piece of my heart” by Janis Joplin makes me remember decorating our first Christmas tree in Danville, & probably for a few years after that. It was such a fun tradition to bring out the old records after we’d switched to CDs at Christmas & sing and dance around the living room. Forget Christmas music- Janis is where it’s at. Also: my mom, though I probably don’t say it enough is one of the coolest people who ever lived.

“Runaround” by Blues Traveler- though a family favorite for years before- will always remind me of my brother & the one night we recorded ourselves singing it while he played guitar. And how hard we laughed at the recording. That day had actually been one of the hardest days of my life. And I’m not even sure if my brother knew what had gone on that day- but little 13 year old Andrew really helped me out of a dark place that night.

I have songs “with” people & “for” people, for emotions & moods. I have songs that remind me of every single person I’ve ever met. Living & dead. People who knew & those who didn’t.

But, few albums move me the way Harvest Moon does. It’s strange, because in my childhood- it was a sad album. An album overplayed in my house as my parents divorced. It was always a beautiful album- but connected to a lot of sad memories.  And then one night- 20 years later- I played it for the 3 of you as you went to sleep. And the tradition continued. For days, weeks, months. There are only a few albums I put you three to sleep listening to & this one is by far the most special. It’s sometimes hard to put into words those moments in life where everything clicks- but when I hear the first three notes of “unknown legend” & I look at the three of you & your smiling faces? It’s the most amazing feeling. I love picking Sawyer up to dance with me while Truman dances along in his crib. And now instead of this beautiful album being tied to sad times- it’s tied to this night time ritual we’ve created. And as I dance with you I find myself thinking, hoping- that those same three notes that begin the album will one day bring you back to this moment. Even if you are still too young to really REMEMBER, I am willing to bet this song will always find you peaceful & happy- like a drowsy happy baby in your mommy’s arms.

Mommy.

“good one. Kelsey” (my bgff (best guy friend forever)) “is a bad monkey.”

“funny you’d bring him up.”

“come on mom. Go ahead and give me a good monkey kiss.”

Not sure what it all means, but conversations with a 32 month old? Are hilarious.

Sometimes I feel so guilty about you. You are my middle child, beating your sister by only two minutes. And though I WANTED Sawyer to be the youngest because there is something about having two older brothers for protection that I loved, I feel like you are missing so many things. From clothes that have never been worn to the fact that you often get pushed out of games when Sawyer and Hudson are playing together. It hurts me to think that someday you may feel slighted.

Crazy lady mommy guilt? Maybe.

But I cant shake it off.

So I wanted to tell you how special you are. How beautiful and caring you are. How at 17 month old I know in my heart that though you may look like a Tokarski, you are your father on the inside. I see so many beautiful similarities in your personalities and I know not to mistake your giving nature and quiet demeanor for even the tiniest bit of weakness. You are amazing and strong.

Hudson picks on you because you LET him. Not in the sense that you invite it, but in the sense that if you couldn’t take it- you’d let him know. You are a tenacious learner. I love watching your mind work.  You are introverted and seem content doing your own thing. Though you are quick to cry over hurt feelings, you rarely cry from physical bumps or bruises. Your sensitivity astounds me. Your empathy is beyond your years.

I want you to know how much your smile brightens my day & how much your silly giggle or overenthusiastic “MAMA!” makes me smile.

My mom used to tell me that she loved my brother & I the same- but differently.

I hope you never ever feel any less than loved with all my heart.

-Mommy.

(Parents: If you have more than 1 child, children of similar ages or multiples, how do you balance the time you spend with each child? Especially when another child tends to be needy? …I’m looking at you, Hudson Owen!)

Why am I talking about a post over a year old?

Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.

And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.

I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.

Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.

There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.

And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)

I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?

The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’

So I guess that counts for something.

Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.

Fingers crossed.

Scott decided to try the 3 day bootcamp outline from Babycenter.com on Saturday while I was out. As I said in my last post Hudson had quite a few accidents. But by Sunday he only had 1. And Monday- He had 1 but realized it said “oh no!!” and ran to finish on the toilet. So I was pretty stoked on that. We hadn’t left the house except to walk the dogs or to play on the porch since we weren’t confident enough to take him out. Yesterday rolled around and I wasn’t expecting miracles. But he had zero accidents. None. To reward him for his excellent toilet skills, last night I took him to the bookstore. I got him dressed (we’ve been doing the zero pants plan) and put a diaper on him. I told him that if he needed to use the bathroom at the bookstore to tell me because he wasn’t supposed to go in a diaper anymore.

We spent a solid 60 minutes at the bookstore. We read books and played trains and rode the escalator. It was a really great little outing. Hudson was so happy and though I felt sort of guilty for doing something with just Hudson, I realized that as Truman and Sawyer get older there will be plenty of opportunities to do activities with each individually.

Anyhow, we picked up a few books and made our way home. He never told me he had to go so I figured he’d have a wet diaper when we got home.

But there wasn’t. His diaper was bone dry. And he continued to go on the toilet the rest of the night.

The best news of all came this morning when Hudson woke up with a DRY diaper. First night in 2.5 years he’s had a dry morning diaper. So day 5 started out amazing and hasn’t quit.

Now, I am not making any bets as to if this will continue- but I am really proud of Hudson & Scott for having finally taken the initiative to start this off. Though Hudson has been going on the toilet for some time- it was never a guarantee.

Cross your fingers that Hudson will keep this up!

Right now the hierarchy is as would be expected. Hudson mostly picks on Truman and Truman mostly picks on Sawyer. The upset there is that Sawyer is feisty and will fight back with Hudson but usually cries when Truman is mean. But Truman is more physical. He pulls Sawyer’s hair & pins her down by STANDING on her. It’s funny that Truman does that since he is also the most emotional of the kids. He gets his feelings hurt easily and his little sad face is JUST as cute as his all-the-time face. Hudson & Sawyer are more about stealing toys- though Hudson DOES push down the kids a lot. I can’t expect him to be perfect. But, he is to the age where he understands he shouldn’t do those things & to the age where he will sit on time out until I tell him he can get up. He cries the whole time and asked “Can I geyup?!” & “I sorry! I want hugs and kisses! I love you, Tutu!” (or whoever he was mean to to end up on time out.)

The vocabularies are pretty insane around here. Hudson is understood 99% of the time by Scott & I and about 75% by others. He speaks in full sentences “Captain Hook is scared of the albino alligator.” (lol!) and asks for books by their full title. He’s been working on some INSANE words. Last night he was working on the word “sarcophagus” since his book had a mummy in it. It came out more like “sar-co-pus” or “sar-go-gus” but he knows the word. We also have been working on the alphabet. He knows the song- though mixes up a few letters but he doesn’t really know the letters on sight. He’s a little kid- so it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t know that kind of stuff but he can pick out the letters H & B and will point to B and be like “B for Hudson Owen Brandt!” which is hilarious. He is really into names right now. He tells me his name a hundred times a day. He knows Sawyer & Truman’s middle names and calls them by them. He refers to us by our names when he needs our attention and we are doing other things. Currently the highest insult to this child is to call him a “bad monkey”. He gets SO offended and says “I’m a good monkey!” or if he does something bad before I can say anything he says “I’m not a bad monkey!” which cracks me up! He is also potty training really well thanks to my husband who spent most of the weekend focusing on it. I was gone most of Saturday and he apparently had more accidents than hits- but yesterday he only had one accident. The rest of the time he went without even saying anything on his potty. Then we’d make a huge deal about it so he got really excited to use the potty the next time. Homeboy loves books and much prefers them over TV at this point- though after 5 or 6 books my jaw hurts and I want to take a break!

Truman, I’m convinced is a genius. His ability to pick up new words at 16 months is pretty crazy. He picks up about 2 words a day and I can’t even count the words he can say. He is sensitive and smart. He loves to laugh and it’s so adorable to watch him interact with his siblings because he loves being the audience for Hudson & Sawyer. He watches and laughs and copies. I think that’s why he catches onto things so fast. He is an observer. His current favorite thing in life is to run on the couch (hello heart attack!) but if I point my finger at him he giggles and sits down immediately. When he is not running on the couch he is emptying the drawers in the kitchen (hello headache!) and cooking up imaginary food with Hudson and Sawyer.

Sawyer is my little cuddle bug. She loves girl stuff like no other. She gathers all the shoes left around and has a little fashion show. She loves her baby- which now goes to bed with her! She has also inherited Hudson’s love of how-things-work. She cannot leave the table after meals without clipping all the high chair clips. Something straight out of Hudson’s playbook! She still doesn’t talk a lot. She says “uh-oh” “baby” “mama” “dada” “coco” and that might be it. I’m not worried because Hudson didn’t do a ton of talking either. I am not 100% sure on how many words he had at that age but since she spends a lot of time babbling her doctor says she should just take off one day in the next few months and beat Truman in linguistics. She is such a sweet little thing.

Last but not least:

We BBQ’d one night last week and while Scott cooked, the kids and I played with chalk & ate watermelon. This picture sums up a lot of our time right now. Sawyer sat down to eat her watermelon & then Hudson and Truman followed suit. They sat in a little half moon smiling and eating watermelon and chatting away with each other. I just sat back and tried to take it all in. Another simple moment I never want to forget while watching the kids travel the road from siblings to brothers, sister & friends. It’s truly beautiful.

Today Scott had a big dollar job scheduled. It was an all day thing so he didn’t schedule anything else. He got up early, dragged ass out of bed and headed out to work. Not 10 minutes later he called form Starbucks with the news that the job had been cancelled due to the customer not finishing the prep work for us. So, by 830 I was in the shower (with a frap!) and we were formulating a plan for the day. Which ended up being a much awaited trip to the Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park. I haven’t been since the OLD one was open. It’s been like 20 years.

I am IN LOVE with days like today. Not only was it a (surprise!) family day but it was also a day where I got to see my children in a new way. New experiences through their eyes. Watching them literally SOAK IN information.

The Museum is amazing in design & in what it contained. But watching Truman point furiously at “fish!” and “Turrrrtle!”? Or watching Sawyer meander through the gift shop and return hugging a little stuffed Albino Alligator wearing a neon pink hoodie with the Academy of Sciences logo on it? (how could we say no!?) And of course Hudson who is at an incredible age. No stroller at all- just walking with his hand in mine. Pointing to lions, gorillas, monkeys, zebras, fish, sharks etc. He was like my little docent. He was showing us everything and telling us what things were. (“Look mama! Alligator! Captain hook is SCARED of alligators!” “Penguin SCARED me when he jumped in water!” “Gorilla big and SCARY!” Yes, he has a new favorite emotion.) When he didn’t know- he’d ASK. It was amazing. All three were wide eyed the entire time- and though we didn’t leave the museum until close to 3 (the twins usually nap 12-3) all three were awake until they were cuddled into their car seats and on the way back home. Even Hudson napped. And Sawyer slept clutching the stuffed alligator, of course.

Scott & I decided to take advantage of the sleep time & went to the mall for Legos for him (yes. I know. He’s a lego maniac at 31.) and a new Kate Spade wallet for me. Side note: OMG. I felt SO 1997 while purchasing a Kate Spade wallet. But I needed a new leather wallet as my Chanel (from 2004) FINALLY broke down. And I went with a more budget friendly option than Chanel this time. And it will no doubt last just as long.

Of course today was Thursday so we went to my Dad & Stepmom’s house for dinner- which was trying only because the kids can be really difficult when in a non-childproofed environment. We had a wonderful dinner, the kids got some new clothes from their Nona & I got a really great family heirloom from my dad that I could not treasure any more than I do. It is AMAZING. It was a great night. Especially hearing Hudson tell his Pop about the museum. He said things like “I saw an ALBINO alligator.” I told him that at the museum but he remembered. He also told pop that he pet a starfish and an urchin and went in a tunnel of fish. All without coaxing. His memory is really taking off.

Once home (with a horrible headache) we put the twins in bed & read a few books with all three in their beds. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie. Does that happen to you? Tonight during story time was one of those times. Hudson laid down on his pillow and both twins sat upright with their feet dangling through the bars of their cribs. They were listening. They were smiling and giggling. All three of them. Being a parent is sometimes like being complete outside yourself, right? I don’t know how to really articulate that, but- it’s this crazy feeling I get sometimes. It makes me insanely happy. Then Hudson came downstairs repeatedly begging for “more stories.” “Read _______” etc. He also decided to call me “Emily ” “Babe” & “Emmie” like 100 times for no reason which was HILARIOUS.

It took a visit from Kelsey around 10 who rough housed with Hudson for about 45 minutes to tire him out finally and he is currently passed out in our bed between us.

So that was today in a delicious nutshell. July 14th, you’ve been good to our family. Did I mention I bought presale tickets to Portishead for October in Berkeley this morning? Did I mention I bought their first album circa 1994 and still have never had a chance to see them live? Well here I am.  17 years later with a ticket in my hot little hand. CANNOT WAIT.

Also this week:

Our house- FINALLY appraised.

I’m taking a giant sign of relief and sponging up every last second of this week. I cannot believe it is Friday already. Can you!?!

I cut off on two separate occasions in the last two years ONE LOCK of hair. Not a hair cut or trim- just a wayward lock that was growing out of control.

TONIGHT: it was an all over haircut. Inches fell to the floor & Scott (who was totally against this haircut), me (who initiated this haircut but was scared shitless) and Hudson (who was stoked to get his haircut because he had no idea what a haircut was and I told him they’d give him a lollipop) made it out with ZERO tears.

He didn’t cry. But, he did calmly demand the lollipop BEFORE the haircut. Which, worked out to everyone’s advantage.

My BIG boy!
I can’t stand how grown-up he looks. Man, I hope those curls keep coming. I’ll just die if his hair goes straight after this!

He immediately started whining & said “NO! No doctors are looking in Hudson ears!” Hilarious. He is obviously totally scarred from his trip to the doctor’s office last week. He even started crying when the doctor came into the exam room. Luckily, this time it was his normal doctor & Hudson cooperated while he checked him out. Hudson is totally healthy & thriving. The doctor was impressed with his speech & gave us some pointers on helping to discipline Hudson when he gets out of control as seems to be the norm now-a-days.

Thanks to Kristi for the handy link on percentiles- since after 2 years old Kaiser totally doesn’t give out the percentiles either!

He’s still on the lean side, obviously. I’m pretty sure Truman weighs close to that already.

Hudson also had to get one shot which went as good as can be expected. I told him he was gonna get medicine on his leg which seemed OK with him since he is currently taking amoxicillin and loves it. But, that all went out the window as soon as the needle was in! I distracted him with the Buzz & Woody poster on the wall & held him in my arms while the nurse administered the shot. He cried but stopped to get a sticker & politely say “Thank you” to the nurse.

Though he knew right hw to get me back. Hit me where it hurts- In. The. Heart.

On the way back home:

Hudson: “Booboo!”

me: “I know it hurts baby. It’s OK. Mama is sorry.”

Hudson: “Doctor & MAMA hurt Hudson.”

How did I get involved?! Damn. Apparently- he blames me.

Things that also suck:

-Taking three toddlers to the doctor in a stroller for 2 while the 3rd chid refuses to walk and screams “CARRY YOU!” at the top of his lungs while you drag him through Kaiser. (But how cute is “carry you” when he means “carry me”) I don’t sweat. But I was SWEATING.

-The doctor telling Hudson that his normal doctor was his buddy & Hudson saying “I don’t want any buddies!” (OK, I lied again. That was hilarious!)

-Having to help a doctor hold down your kid just so he can look in his ears. Kid screams, thrashes, cries and yells stop it. Then, once released sits up all dignified and says “Thank you doctor!”

Things that are awesome:

-Having your kid remember details from the day. Hudson told me last night “doctor looked in my ears.” and “I looked in doctors ears” (both true) “The doctor has buddy” and “doctor has donald duck voice” (also both true)