Though Hudson tends to push Truman & Sawyer down- Yells “MINE!” as he steals THEIR toys from their hands, he is in love with them.

I know he is in love because of the moments I see them together when they don’t know I’m watching. Mostly these moments are when I am in the kitchen and quietly peeking around the corner while they play and though Hudson is delegating “Tutu- LEGOS! Soysoy! NO!” He isn’t pushing or grabbing. And Truman & Sawyer look at him like they look at me. And that? Is amazing.

For the last several months -since right before Hudson got moved to a “big boy bed”- he has been in this weird habit of taking EVERYTHING out of his bed & Sawyer’s bed and throwing it ALL into Truman’s crib. Then he climbs in and they literally play. Like brothers. I mean, obviously they ARE brothers- but it’s just so REAL in these moments. I become the mom- yelling from downstairs that they better be sleeping in their own beds or there is trouble & I am answered with giggles and the bangs and thumps of Hudson trying to be “quiet.” I more often than not find them cuddling in Truman’s bed at the end of nap time and every night Scott or I have to move a sleeping Hudson from his brother’s bed into his own after he’s fallen asleep next to his brother. Usually, poor Sawyer is asleep the whole time in a completely empty crib, since Hudson has taken all her animals & blanket into the crib with he & Truman.

And today after going through the nap time ‘routine’ I went upstairs to check on my sleeping babies as I always do & I was greeted with Hudson sitting with all his toys & all Truman’s toys in Sawyer’s bed. Hudson’s back was to me & Sawyer was laying on her stomach with her head propped up on her arms. She was laughing and Hudson was dancing his stuffed animals around for her. I walked right up to the door & they didn’t even notice me. They were totally immersed in brother/ sister LOVE. And I snuck out. Twenty minutes later I went back upstairs and they were asleep together in Sawyer’s crib.

Though I’ve seen Hudson & Truman play quietly together so many times & it melts me every single time- but seeing Hudson & Sawyer giggling together was this whole new overwhelming experience. The love I have for my children is so insane sometimes. And the love they have for each other is sometimes even more mind blowing for me.

They will have each other hopefully long after Scott & I are gone. There will be so many times in life they will have to lean on each other when we can’t protect them. So many things about their relationship that no outsider will understand. I am so grateful they will have each other on this journey of life & in these moments- I am so amazingly grateful for the memories of growing up with my brother. Parts of our childhood were complicated- and having him to UNDERSTAND what it was like- man, I just don’t know what I’d have done without him.

We parked & unloaded all the kids & walked around the cyclone fence barrier into the park. The amazing smell of chocolate that accompanies every summer afternoon of my childhood in that little neighborhood was thick in the air.

Hudson immediately took off through the grass & under the cluster of redwood trees. As I chased after him on his way to the play structure- I just had one of those moments.

I’d call it Deja Vu, but I just wiki’d that & found that I have been using that term wrong basically my whole entire life. So, it wasn’t deja vu. It was this floodgate of memories that just OPENED.

I could almost see my 12 year old self high in redwood trees chatting about boys & who could ride their bike faster down the street with my neighbor friend. Except now? The bottom branches were too far overhead for the 27 year old me to reach. 15 years of growth making those trees that were perfect for climbing into nothing more than scenery.

Hudson ran to the swings & as I pushed him high as he laughed & screamed, I could picture my friends & I swinging for hours while singing “Black Hole Sun” at the very top of our lungs.

The memorial bench that was saved when they remodeled the park that I used to sit on to eat endless amounts of ice cream from the the ice cream man.

The basketball court I spent hours on playing Horse & working on my layup.
The picnic benches we’d sit on top of and hang out with cute boys with too-long hair.
The way we would always sing “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver” when we’d walk along the cyclone fence on our way home.

And the chocolate.
Living a mile from a chocolate factory, when the weather got hot- the chocolate just permeated.

It’s so funny when memories are triggered like that. I hadn’t been to this park in years. And I never realized how fond of a memory I had of it until I was there with my kids.

I am so grateful for such a wonderful childhood. Sometimes for me, it’s easier to remember the harder parts. But, Thursday- I was fully immersed in how wonderful my memories are. And how lucky I am that I still live in my hometown. That all my memories will now be my own children’s memories. That the ice cream man hasn’t changed in 30 years. That my children will go to the only dentist I’ve ever been to in my life. That we have an amazing community around us & our children. People we’ve known so long you can’t remember when you met. Experiences that Scott & I will share with our children, even though 2 decades will have passed in between them. But mostly, that Hudson got to run through the grass under the redwood trees in the late afternoon summer sun & smell chocolate.

I am so interested in the human dynamic. In the dynamics of women. In the dynamics of blogging women. Of MOMMY BLOGGERS.

On the internet we are just a footprint of ourselves. Just as a pedophile can be a 16 year old boy looking for a 16 year old girl in a chat room. Seriously. How much do we REALLY know about our fellow bloggers?

Yeah, they seem picture perfect on the internet but what if you meet and suddenly the witty quips of the internet are stripped away. What if they look different. What if you are just well, NOT COMPATIBLE?

I mean- I know no ones looking for a date here. So, I suppose it’s different but how well can you really know someone you’ve never met?

I am so interested to see in the future (Blogher11?) how it plays out for me. I wonder if the women I have come to love on the internet will be just as easy to love in person. If our conversations will have awkward moments or if it will be like we’ve known each other forever.

Part of me is excited to see everyone’s tweets that are there in NYC sharing the excitement. To see their photos and blog posts. And mostly- to see how the dynamic of the “group” will change once people have met. Is that strange? Will certain people be closer? Will certain people who were online BFFs suddenly stopping loving each other so much?

It’s like a soap opera. And although I wish I was there living it, I am certainly content to watch it unfold from the privacy of my own home. Where I don’t have to compete for cutest business card or cutest shoes or most blog hits or you know- that kind of stuff.

Also? I want to know who gets awkwardly TOO WASTED and alienates every one. And who tries to get everyone to smoke a joint and who actually smokes. (FYI, I would.) Who is prettier in person? Who is a bitch in person? Who is most like themselves online and who is putting on a great show? Who didn’t disclose that their blog pictures are 10 years old and they are really 40 & 300+ pounds?

Blogher. It’s exciting!!

But my boys? MY. BOYS. ?? They are gonna go get married someday. And it already kills me that one day I will no longer be the most important person in their life. Is that totally weird & out of line? Because it’s true.

Because once you get married (we all know it- don’t try to pretend) WE want to be the most important woman in our husband’s life. We want to trump everything. And we usually do. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has passed, but I wonder how she felt when she was alive? I know she liked me- but a little part of me knows that I was stealing her son & now having two of my own?? I suppose I get to go through it twice. And be totally devastated twice. And I know that I won’t be half as polite about it. I will probably be every woman’s nightmare mother-in-law. BECAUSE HELLO!?!?! This bitch is stealing my baby!!! (Yes, they are ALL bitches in this situation.)

I’d file this under irrational thinking, but the only thing irrational about these thoughts is that I am having them SO SOON. I mean, Hudson is only 17 months. But that seventeen months literally took like, 17 minutes- so I can see this situation creeping up on me sooner than later.

Why is it I can look to Sawyer’s future and be excited for her milestones like getting married & when I think of Hudson or Truman getting married I feel like I’m choking?

Moms of boys? Am I alone here?

MAN UP.

If you feel blindsided by motherhood… I am baffled.

Did you not know that a baby would be coming out of your vage? Or cut out of your stomach while you watched? Did you not know that you will be responsible for said baby for 18 years? That they cry pretty constantly until they can talk and tell you what they need? That they will ruin every outfit you have with poop & vomit? That they will get upset tummies and freaking scream like you are murdering them & you get worried the neighbors can hear and will call the cops? Did you not know that you would have at least significantly reduced sleep for a long time- and just when they get good at sleeping through the night they will be teenagers and you will never. sleep. again?! That they don’t want their toys & instead want to play with an electrical outlet? That breastfeeding is at least somewhat difficult- even if just for a day and at least once you will curse that baby for making your nipples hurt so bad? Or that every person on the planet will give you advice, unsolicited and you will have to just smile?

I get upset when women feel as if they’ve been duped. Not one person ever had to sit me down & tell me ANYTHING about parenting. Maybe I’m just informed but I have never felt blindsided. It’s HARD but so intensely gratifying- and I don’t think my description of parenting is a lie I am perpetuating.

I understand that women I LOVE both in blogging and in real life have felt HELPLESS after having a baby. They have experienced diagnosed PPD/A/P and other mental disorders. They have taken medications, etc. But, I think being not mentally prepared for the challenges of parenthood is NOT PPD. It’s not. It’s not a reason to medicate. Even women who wanted to birth naturally in the forest while fairies chanted in a circle around them- they end up just swallowing the pill the doctor gives them to make the sadness go away.

But how can you experience the AMAZING highs of anything without feeling the crippling lows? How can you feel on top of the world if you don’t know what it feels like to be buried alive? I have felt both. On MANY occasions. Depression is a NATURAL human emotion. I’ve been there. I really have. But never for long.

This is pure speculation & I may receive a ton of hate for this. I have never had PPD or any other mental disorder. I really DON’T know what it feels like. I don’t. But, I know that I have had 3 children in 13 months and there have been times I’ve had to step away. One time when Scott came home that I said: “I need to go for a drive” and left him with a screaming baby Hudson while I smoked like 10 cigarettes and then came home and was happy. There are times when all three children cry AT. ONCE. and I sit here and listen to it and think, wow! They are loud and I REALLLY wish I was doing anything but this at this moment. I don’t call that depression. I call that reality. People who think parenting is anything different that what I have described are in for it. They just are.

I am not a perfect parent. I’m not calm. I am in fact one of the more high strung people you will ever meet. I am nervous all the time. I am a LOUD. I scream. I can’t help it. I’m at least 1/2 Italian. We scream. Hudson is used to it. When he does something bad- as much as I wish I could kneel down and explain why we don’t do that- I can’t. But, I knew that before getting pregnant.

I also knew I’d be broke. That sometimes I’d want to punch my husband in the face for falling asleep AGAIN while I was dealing with the kids. That nothing is ever perfect. That no matter what happens I love my kids & my husband. That breastfeeding is hard but worth it- until I had twins- then I realized it wasn’t for me this time around. I realized cloth diapering would be hard and I did it anyways. Until Hudson got to be a year old and I was no longer into battling on a diaper, snappy clip & cover and every diaper change. Then? I reevaluated and started using compostable diapers for Hudson. Because that’s what worked.

My point: I am not a planner. I never went into motherhood expecting anything except that I would love my kids. It didn’t matter how they came or what they looked like or how much sleep I’d loose or how much weight I’d gain or how they’d make me feel-both sad & happy. I roll with the punches. When something is going wrong, or sometimes wrong times three in this house- I suck it up.

When I told my Dad I was pregnant with the twins- he said “Suck it up. Time to put your big girl panties on.” I thought it was totally weird and kinda rude. In fact it was so strange I didn’t know if I was insulted. Clearly I had been taking care of Hudson just fine for those first couple months.

But, i have come back to that piece of advice many times. “Put your big girl panties on,” ladies- because regardless of what you THINK you signed up for- reality is what it is.

It IS sunshine and rainbows. It really is. And sometimes? It’s storm clouds. And sometimes? It’s a hurricane followed by an earthquake followed by an oil spill. But WE SIGNED UP FOR IT.

I hope I don’t ALWAYS make my life/parenting sound like sunshine and rainbows. But, to be honest- for ME it IS. 99% of the time- it is sunshine and rainbows. And while I feel so horribly that some women have to deal with post-partum issues- it is unfair to blame their expectations on other women not telling them. On other women making it look too easy.

We have all seen & heard other moms having the same struggles with children since the BEGINNING! No one told me ” Emily, this is going to be so easy. You will love every minute.” I think the part that so many are missing is that EVERYONE (seriously-everyone.) KNOWS that parenting, on at least a million occasions, will suck a big giant dick. But if no one told you how great it is? There wouldn’t BE kids. If no one told you of the amazing love and happiness and satisfaction children fill your heart with? YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THEM. Because without the sunshine and rainbows? It’s pain and hurt and HARD. And that part you can see from the outside. But the love and joy? It’s something you have to feel. So, if no one told you? You may go your whole life thinking “Kids aren’t for me, I’m not prepared for the work it takes.” And that may friends? Is OK too!

And for a million years, women have just sucked it up. They put on their big girl panties and they get knee deep in that giant vat of shit & vomit called motherhood and with sore nipples and no sleep- THEY DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND LOVE IT.

*note: I have now edited this post because I realize that people felt that I was attacking two people personally. Since really it wasn’t about them at all or about even PPD at all- just that we all go through the same things once in a while and that that DOESN’T ALWAYS spell trouble. That feeling unprepared is feeling unprepared. That feeling lied to is feeling lied to. They are all very separate issues and since I am not a doctor and wish to support the women originally mentioned rather than to make them feel inferior (which most sincerely was NOT my desire) I have omitted them. *

Add to that the fact that it’s almost impossible to deal with these kind of things when you have three screaming children who decide right NOW is the time to start being totally unruly. You know- right when you are totally on the verge of losing your mind completely.

So, that’s where I am at. Totally stressed. No one I can talk to. Three screaming children. Two of which didn’t sleep at all last night & spent the last 8 hours screaming for no reason. One of which woke up early at 8 AM leaving me with about an hour of sleep & just shredded bits of my sanity. Oh, and there is still plenty of crying. I hope they all soon realize that 2 arms cannot hold three babies at once & give me a break.

Hoping for good news today. Any type would be great.

When I was 20 years old, things were different.

Do you ever look back on something and think… What if? What if I had done this or done that? What if I had become a mother before I could legally drink a beer?

It’s something I think about often.

When I was 20 years old, Scott & I “took a break.” I moved into an apartment with my cousin & (now) sister-in-law. Scott & I never really stopped dating. In fact- we continued to hang out every day while I was supposed to be finding out who I was & where we were going.

If you have followed this blog for any length, you know that pregnancy & I do not agree. I get what’s called hyperemesis & throw up so much I start losing weight on the rapido. So- anyhow-I was at work and had been feeling like shit for days. I was telling my boss Tara, who was a great friend as well, what I had been feeling. And in her 30 year old wisdom looked at me & said “you’re pregnant.” It was the first time it dawned on me, & I immediately knew. Holy shit. I was pregnant. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I immediately ran to Safeway for a test & within 5 minutes I was blubbering on the phone to my mom. “Mom! What the HELL am I going to do!?!” I called Scott & told him what was up & really- I don’t even remember his reaction. I was totally terrified & 20 and basically- I wasn’t even mature enough to ask for or care about his opinion, I don’t think. I made an appointment with a doctor & went for an ultrasound that night. Scott went with me & I don’t know about him but I definitely HAD to look at the ultrasound. I saw the heartbeat & all that stuff. I was kind of in awe, but at the time sooo far removed from the idea of HAVING a baby that it wasn’t very real, even in that moment that most first time parents cherish.

But, I didn’t cherish it. My first thought is: I’m a month from my twenty-first birthday & I won’t even get to have a drink. THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE. I suppose that right there means I had at least a flicker of intellect. I clearly wasn’t ready to put anyone else before myself. Some people are more mature at 20. I thought I was- and maybe I was at least mature enough to know I’d have given that child less than 100% of myself when it deserved 200%. That Scott & I weren’t stable in our relationship or with our money at that time to take care of someone else.

There are probably a few of you who have been here. I won’t get into the actual semantics of what is involved, but I will say that it wasn’t painful or anything, -just graphic. …And at the time I was sure I wouldn’t be haunted later in life by my decision. And that’s the weirdest part of maturity.

When I look back, I do have a few regrets. I wish I would have thought about adoption. There are too many people in the world who haven’t had the opportunity to be a mother when they want to so desperately. It kills me that I literally threw the chance away. I also know- on a very deep level- what 20 year old Emily was like- so I know I made the best decision I could with the tools I had. But still. I don’t think you ever fully recover from it. And maybe I don’t really deserve to recover from it. Sometimes I think to myself “Wow! I could technically have a 7 year old. What would that child be like? How would my life be different.” It’s a strange feeling especially when you can look into the eyes of 3 more children you’ve created & see what could have been. Especially given that Scott & I DID make it through that time & we are still together. At that time though- I didn’t know.

So, I am writing now as a Mother, three times over. And I am still not sure how I feel about the situation. It’s been seven years & so much has happened. With my last two pregnancies, I was reminded every time I had to fill out paperwork or had the doctors ask “How many pregnancies have you had?” “How many live births?” And then watched as they inferred what happened. It’s uncomfortable. Because now? Unless there was a real PROBLEM with one of my pregnancies or the children being made- I couldn’t do it. I definitely believe in the choice. I do. But, I think many, if not most- of the people who fight for that right haven’t actually been through it. They don’t know the scar it leaves behind. Unluckily for me, I can now see the subject from both sides.

As a parent, given the love you feel for your child(ren)- could YOU do it? It’s not a pro-life/ pro-choice question. I mean- could YOU personally?

Scott & I love our family. We hope to have the resources to expand it again further down the line. I will always have the picture in the back of my head of my 1st chance at motherhood & what it would have done to change the course of my life. And sometimes, when I think of that- I realize that had I had that child, I may not have had Hudson. Or Truman. or Sawyer. That child could have changed the course of my whole life. And that thought hurts me so much more than than the thought of this child I never knew- which kinda makes me feel at peace with my decision.

My husband & I aren’t perfect. Sometimes, we bicker. Yes, for about 2 weeks after the birth of the twins we had a bit of trouble adjusting. But to be completely honest, our last FIGHT was at least three years ago. I threw taco bell at him & went to smoke pot with my friends. And I think it was the only real fight we’ve had in our 5 year marriage.

When Scott & I first met, We fought all. the. time. Maybe that’s being a teenager? Maybe it was because he was older and was able to do so much more than I was allowed to do, and that bred jealousy. I was EXTREMELY jealous. When we moved in together, although very much in love at 18 & 21- we fought all the time. In front of people. Like knock-down, drag out screaming matches. In front of our friends & family. We were pretty volatile for a while. I remember once my cousin (who is now 16) literally asked me why I was always screaming at Scott. He was probably 6 at the time. I was pretty mortified.

And I should have been.

When Scott & I got married in 2005, I think it was the first time that I was ever fully embracing the “girlfriend” role. Sure, before marriage I was cute & sexy & all that- but once we got married I realized that gender roles are there for a reason. *DON’T SHOOT!* I had quit my job to stay at home and be a housewife. I cleaned our apartment & had dinner ready when he got home. I had no excuse not to do whatever he wanted at night because I had been home all day & thanks to Tivo had seen all my shows and had time to do what I wanted. And things suddenly changed.

You know when you first date someone & you put on your best face. You highlight your positives & downplay your negatives, right? You speak softer. You are more understanding. You look your best. And guess what? It gets the guy EVERY TIME. But once you’ve got that dude on the hook- you start acting like a big giant bitch.

What I’m saying is: Be your husband’s girlfriend. Look, I can’t be 100% all the time because I’ve got three kids- but I try. Even if I can’t take a shower before my husband gets home, as soon as he gets home & has a chance to unwind & get settled, I try to look presentable- even if it is just for a few hours. I wear things I know he like and keep my hair how he likes it. I try to make dinner every week night for my family. And when I cook at home I try not to make too many “packaged” items. I make things from scratch whenever possible. Basically- I try to put my best foot forward. He never ASKS for any of this. But, I think he definitely notices.

Sure, sometime I get upset with my husband. Sometimes I want to tell everyone about something he’s done wrong. And sometimes I do. But most of the time I try my best to also put Scott’s best foot forward. I don’t speak badly of him if I can help it. Because to be honest, when I have said something bad about him- I regret it. I regret letting anyone think he is less than amazing. Because amazing doesn’t even begin to explain Scott 98% of the time. Why bother with that 2%?

Embracing my gender role has done so much for my relationship. My husband is 47 million percent more affectionate. He has pretty much all but stopped playing video games (without me asking!) and instead will find things on tv we both like. He will help me out with errands when he can. He tells me how great I am. He is the perfect husband & dotting father. He is my best friend.

And yes, you can have those things in a marriage & still fight. But why? The only time I swear at my husband or call him names is when we are joking. The sentences usually end with a laugh and a hug. Not door slams or dial tones. No screaming. And all it took to make our relationship wonderful was a little teeny tiny bit of effort. And soon, it wasn’t effort.

I was no longer ACTING like the best possible version of myself, I WAS the best possible version of myself. It became second nature. And in return for a homemade dinner, a clean house and a wife who faces towards him at night? You receive the best possible version of your husband. And a blissful marriage.

We had a great day together. I cannot stop smiling.

We even got some time to ourselves, as alllll the kids napped for 3 hours AT THE SAME TIME. WINNNN!

I love days like these. They make me so thankful for my wonderful family.

This one is from Ashley: Hmm my question is.. And this is totally a weird question but you said over at Lindsey Ivory you and your hubs have sex like all the time and everyday. Do you not get sore? We tried to do everyday for thirty days but I get sore. Totally sorry if my question is tmi.

Hey Ashley! First- NO ONE has sex everyday. If they do they are a better person then I, or they might do it for a living. On the questionnaire I did for Lindsey Ivory, I was talking about a few different things. I didn’t mean to give the illusion that WOAH! I’m doing it 100% of the time. Before I was pregnant, I would always hear that a women’s sex drives got lower and that many men were left sad & alone while their wives cooked up a baby. My first pregnancy had the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. We always had a very healthy relationship but once I was pregnant-not only was I more into it, but the fact that my husband finds pregnancy so attractive-it definitely got things going! Within a few days of having Hudson, I felt better and I missed the connection that I had grown to really appreciate during my pregnancy. Then, when I was pregnant again it was the same except it became actually not possible for me as I grew to be the size of a small house. So, by the time I had the twins a few weeks ago, I was REALLY missing my husband.  Celebrating your love is a wonderful thing. Just use birth control. Or you get twins! Advice for getting close more often: Don’t be hung up on your appearance. Too many women are and I really think it screws with your sex life. You guy is there because he wants to be and finds every bit of you attractive! I’ll skip the logistics of sex itself, because, clearly we all know how it goes- and like I said- HIII GRANDMA!

Kristi asked: Do you feel the same way about the twins as you do for Hudson?

Well, mama. I’ll be honest in saying No, I don’t. When I had Hudson it was him & I all the time. He is like my little sidekick. He & I have such a great relationship and when the twins came, I spend a lot of my time still hanging out with Hudson as he is a bit easier to relate to because he is 14 months and has a personality. So, Truman and Sawyer don’t get the same amount of individual attention that Hudson got as a newborn. Plus, hello! there are two of them so the individual attention is split even further. However, that’s not to say I don’t LOVE Truman & Sawyer. I do, tons. But as I’ve heard from other moms of a ton of kids- you love each differently. Hudson is obviously my first born and my closest relationship right NOW, but that’s not to say I won’t be closest with different kids at different times. They all bring something different to the table and the dynamic I’m sure will change as we all grow together.

LawMomma wants to know: If you had to live one day of your life over and over (like in Groundhog Day) which day would you choose and why?

Well, There are a few days. Clearly, the obvious choices are the day I met Scott, the day we got married, the day Hudson or the twins were born. But, I’ll go out on a limb and say “last Sunday.” It was good for many reasons- I slept in- but not too late. We made breakfast and ate at the table as a family. We walked to the park. I carried Hudson in the Ergo on my back & the twins were asleep in their stroller. We took pictures and had laughs. We walked home and talked about how we considered these days like a vacation. If we won the lottery we wouldn’t do anything crazy. We’d just be happy to spend everyday together as a family. It was great. We made dinner and some of of my girlfriends stopped by to visit. No one called the house or called for business. Bills weren’t being worried about. Hudson napped & went to bed on time… man it was like the perfect day!!

Andrea wanted to know: What do you love the most about blogging? The least? Can you imagine not having this blog? How do you think your life would be different?

I started my blog long before baby. I wanted to have a creative outlet for myself to write and I SUCK at diaries. So, I thought it would be fun to try out a blog. I LOVED the outlet it gave me . But now, 2 years later, I think my favorite part is all the great people I’ve met and the camaraderie felt between my closest mamas, like you Andrea! I love having friends all over the country and world for that matter that are all going through a similar part of their lives.
What I like the least is the fact that there is a certain amount of bullshit in the blogging mama world. I feel like it can be pretty high school sometimes and as much as I write my blog for me- I cannot help but sometimes worry about stats and comments. It’s lame, I know. But, unfortunately you find yourself getting caught up in it.
I couldn’t really imagine my life without my blog. It’s not because I NEED to blog, but I do really appreciate the outside contact it has given me. Being that 10 hours a day I’m home alone with (now) 3 kids, I cannot imagine not having this hobby that is just for me. My blog started as a “vanity blog” I wasn’t a mom. I was literally a spoiled housewife. When I started my blog, if I was bored- I hoped in my yellow sports car and drove to the mall to shop. Now- my blog is my outlet from the everyday monotony, since I can’t hop into any sports car and drive off anymore.

My cousin Danielle asked: What is the most important life lesson you have learned from your grandparents that you wish to pass on to your children, so they can remember them (yes, I know most of them are still living)?

I think I’ve learned many things form my grandparents. They all have taught me the value of hard work, while they have also always shown me that being passionate about something is important. From Grandpa’s love of music (I can still see him “conducting” before bed) to my Nonno’s love of hot rods. Having a passion is important. My Grandmothers have all instilled different qualities in me. My grandmothers are all amazing, strong women- beautiful both inside and out. They have collectively shown so many qualities that make a woman a good mother, grandmother, person. My Nonnie is my superstar right now because she had 6 kids! I’ve gone through 2 pregnancies and man, it’s hard work! I dunno how she did it. It’s amazing to me how strong she is in spirit. My Grandma T is just all around the sweetest person ever, I don’t know how she managed to keep such a ladylike disposition raising four boys. She’s also spunky! She’s got a boyfriend and a white leather jacket. Grandma is a HIP lady. My Grandma Sue is full of life! She is outgoing and tells it like it is. She is always surrounded by great friends and family parties at her house are just amazing.  If I could roll all three of them into one- that to me is a great mother & friend.

Metta1313 asked: So my question for you is what music are you into? Bands? Genres? I feel like you can really learn a lot about a person based upon these choices.

I listen to every single genre possible. I know that’s a lame answer- but it’s true. My absolute all-time favorites are:
Bright Eyes
The Decemberists
Jeff Buckley
Radiohead
Neil Young
Bob Dylan
The Stones
The Beatles
Counting Crows- don’t laugh
Van Morrison
Cursive -The Ugly Organ is FLAWLESS. Seriously.
Eric Clapton
The Faint
Del (or any of his million side projects)
Rza (or any of his side projects)

There are SOOOOOO many others but I seriously might be here all day trying to answer this if I think too hard.

My pal Em asked: what is your very favorite and very least favorite thing about having been with the same partner for so long? Is there one thing you two consistantly do great with? Anything you consistantly spar over?xoxo!!

My least favorite thing about having been with Scott so long is that we never got the chance to grow independently. I’d say we are pretty dependent on each other where other couples may not be. I think if you spent 24 hours with me while I was away from Scott you’d be disgusted at how much we talk on the phone. One of the main reasons I stay home is because Scott works for himself & when I had a job outside of the house, he’d stop by like 4 times a day to visit. Like both my 15 minute breaks and lunch and basically anytime he had any time between jobs. (he was much less busy then) I could tell my boss was annoyed even though they loved him & I eventually told Scott that I either had to quit my job or he’d have to stop coming by. That’s how I became a house girlfriend- and eventually a housewife. And being a housewife used to be FUN! Now, it’s like any other job but you don’t get two 15′s and an hour lunch. And I stress, when I type that out it kinda sounds crazy that he was always stopping by- but it’s not. And I guess this is my FAVORITE part as well! Because there is NO WHERE we’d rather be then with each other. I think for some people that’s weird. But, I think it’s the reason we’ve made it almost 13 years. People say teenage relationships aren’t the same. But, I feel like 14-21 was probably the most over-dramatic time of my life and if we remained best friends while so much in our lives was changing it was never gonna change. I hope that answer made even a shred of sense!

A new visitor “bust this Popsicle stand” asked: I love all the names you have chosen for your children. My question is, what other names, if any, did you consider? Also, what is the best piece of advice you were given about becoming a new mom, and who gave it to you?

For boys, we seriously considered:
Harrison
Holden
Buckley
in addition to the names we did choose:
Hudson Owen -Owen was a huge contender for his first name too.
and Truman Joseph Walker -while Joseph was chosen because it is my dad and my step-dad’s middle name, it was never a first name contender. Walker, however was. I LOVE that name, but our twins got two middle names because I am not sure we will have more kids and I wanted to make sure to use all my favorites this time around.

For girls, we seriously considered:
Imogen
Harper
Andie
Reagan
Dylan
James
Sierra
Sawyer was on both the girls & boys lists. When I found out it was twins I was determined to use Sawyer no matter what. As you can see I LOVE boys names for girls. Dylan, James & Andie were some of my absolute favorites on the list. We used Jolene as a middle name as homage to my homegirl Dolly Parton, but I have to be honest- I feel like the name is a bit trashtastic for a first name.

I invite anyone to use names on our list, but be forewarned- I’ll be using from this list if I ever get Preganese again!

As for advice on being a new mom? I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and gave me advice. When I told my dad I was gonna have twins (I was BAWLING!) He said “Well, I guess you better put on your big girl panties” I’m not even sure what the hell that means, but it’s the most memorable thing any one told me while I was cooking babies.

Little Elle asked: what is your favourite room in your house, and why? also, what qualities did you acquire by becoming a mother, that you never thought you’d acquire at all pre-mama? AND what song could you listen to on repeat?

All very good- unrelated questions! lol! You’re all over the place girl! My favorite room varies from time to time. I LOVE my bedroom. I could never leave my bedroom and be happy. My bed is comfy and the decor is really simple & calming. Plus, I can corral Hudson in here with me and he can’t get into anything. I love sitting here on my bed and blogging. (like right now!) But, decor wise, right now I’m LOVING the loft & nursery. I love all the details and I love how the house isn’t a mess anymore because all Hudson’s stuff stays up there. I love how when we go upstairs to hang out he will sit and play quietly with all his toys for hours. The nursery, where the actual cribs are- has the most calming energy EVER. When you sit in the rocking chair in the dark at night with one of the kids- It’s one of the most peaceful things I’ve ever done. Things that make a great room: A green houseplant, Rich woods, Minimalism, something containing water.

My new mama qualities I think include the ability to find the good in every one. There is no way that you can’t. I have fixed several relationships since becoming pregnant with Hudson and I understand on a deeper level my relationships and family dynamics.

Song on repeat!? OH MY GAWD! So many, mama! I can’t narrow that down. It depends on my mood. But, there is NEVER a time when I don’t want to hear “True Blue” by Bright Eyes or “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison or “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley. OHHHHHH! and “Hurricane” by Bob Dylan. The list could go on FOREVER!

Krista asked: What’s a day in the life of you look like? Seriously, you seem like you have it SO “together” and I think I would be all over the place with a one year old and twin newborns. I want to know how you do it.

Krista: the answer is- I’M NOT SURE! This is a loose itinerary in my house:
7- Feed twins, change them and reswaddle. By this time they are already tired again.
815- Make Hudson’s morning bottle and get him from his room. We watch an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba while he drinks his bottle and Daddy gets ready for work
845-playtime. Hudson plays with toys or games with me. I deal with anything the twins need. If Hudson is particularly into a toy, I usually get 20 minutes to mess around on my laptop.
930- We have breakfast
945- playtime again! Hudson and I usually go upstairs and play. The twins will have tummy time in their gym thing while we play.They usually need a bottle around now too!
1130-lunchtime
1145-12- Naptime for Hudson
12-3- I hang out with the twins, feed them and get to spend one on one time with them since they both usually sleep during this time too. I eat my breakfast/lunch and catch up on anything I need to on the nets or on tv.
3- from the time Hudson wakes up from his nap till when Scott gets home we usually play upstairs.
4-5- whenever Scott gets home I get to take a shower and run out till about 6 to do errands like the post office, bank and the store.
6-730- usually the most hectic time of day. All babies, Hudson included are hungry and so is my husband! We usually give the babies a bath if needed and feed them. We just hang out as a family.
730- We make Hudson’s nighttime bottle (he gets two a day, still) and one of us goes upstairs with him to read to him and put him to bed.
8- I make dinner for the hubs & I. We watch TV and each care for a twin until bedtime.
10- we usually go into our room and watch TV in bed. We change and feed the twins for the last time before we put them down for the night. I get to do most of my blogging at night. I usually fall asleep around 1-2 and then have to usually wake up once more in the night for an hour to feed and change the twins. Sometimes they sleep through already!

…and repeat! Some days are hard. The worst is when they all cry at once. It’s pretty much a given at this point that one will always be crying. The only time at least one isn’t crying is during Hudson’s nap.

My HILARIOUS homegirl Suzanne asked: What was your most embarrassing mom moment?

Well, to be honest, I haven’t really had a moment where I’ve been mortified- YET. I’m dreading when it does happen. Because, I KNOW it’s coming.

Jennifer S asked: Who would you want to play you in a movie & why? & what would the theme song to your movie be?

Theme song!? Well, that’s SUPER EASY! “This is the first day of my life” by Bright Eyes. The video is below. It is such a happy song and reminds me that each and every day is a new experience.

As for who would play me in a movie about me? Shit, I dunno. I’d love to say someone really cool, like Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s edgy and always makes such great choices in her movie rolls. I’d hope a movie about me would be a project that could attract such a hip actress. She’s also super cute, even though she looks not a bit like me- I think she’d make me look good.

Ashley asked: What were your biggest concerns for Hudson when bringing home the twins? My son is 6 months and we are starting to talk about another one but I’m afraid I’d be taking something away from Noah. How do you find balance between the twins and Hudson? (By the way half the time I’m overwhelmed with just one child so you are my new hero.)

My biggest concern was having him feel left out or unwanted. I know that in a year he won’t even remember life without his brother & sister, but it’s hard in the moment to not worry about his feelings. My one goal was that we needed to get our nursery done before the twins so Hudson, who was co-sleeping most of the time at that point, wouldn’t just get kicked out of bed one night and replaced by the twins. Luckily, we got it done a few weeks before the twins and he sleeps upstairs in his own room like a champ now. I do feel my heart break a little sometimes when Hudson comes in my room in the morning and the twins are in his spot. He doesn’t seem bothered, but just a month ago he was sleeping there. I think the only really horrible part about their age difference is because Hudson did lose his “baby” quality. He is only 14 months old but looks HUGE compared to the twins. It’s hard to still see him as a baby, even though he clearly is.