Why am I talking about a post over a year old?

Because now I’m the one who is struggling. And I thought of that post. And my big girl panties. And karma being a big fat bitch.

And part of me wants to lay down dramatically on my couch and cry out “WHY ME!? Why is motherhood soooo hard?! I didn’t sign up for this!” Knowing full well that I DID sign up for this and I have known all along what a challenge it is.

I’m not going to sit here are make excuses why my situation is harder than any other mom out there. Motherhood is just plain hard. And I think the weight of that has been on me more and more because my kids were EASY newborns. Hudson was easy until recently. But just my luck, the twins are double trouble! And I am struggling to keep my cool in the wake of these three precious but seriously mind-bogglingly insane children.

Not only are the twins in constant pain from a multitude of teeth errupting in their mouths, they are like the freaking danger duo. Furniture scaling is their favorite thing IN. THE. WORLD. and my nerves are just completely shot. How many times a day can I remove them from the coffee table or china cabinet or kitchen table or couch? How many times can I say “no, no, no little darling! We don’t jump on the couch.” before it comes out “Look here, you little fucker! I’m sick of your shit!” Literally ZERO embellishment here: today I removed both Truman and Sawyer from standing on the back of the couch at least 10 times in the course of a MINUTE. As soon as their feet touched the ground, they’d be climbing back up lightning fast and I was going bonkers. My very astute stepdad mentioned the other night that the kids never try to climb on their couches and all he ever has to say is “nonono!” and they stop. And I wanted to scream. Because my children are evil geniuses. Gorgeous and smart? Absolutely. But trouble. Of course if Papa says no they suddenly follow instruction. But when I am home alone with these kids for 10 hours a day? It’s like Lord of the Fucking Flies.

There are epic cry fests over teeth, and toys, and there is pushing and shoving between themselves. Poor Truman looks like he’s been beaten about the head with a hammer because he has fallen off the couch so many times this week I can’t even count. And guess what? He gets right back up and does. It. Again. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for having such willful children. I suppose I deserve this but I didn’t expect it at 1 & 2 years old. These kids are SO SMART it’s scary. I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa when he looks at Therman Merman in the car and is like “ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!” but I know the answer. Yes, they are indeed fucking with me. Because of the way Sawyer purses her lips together and smiles and STARES DIRECTLY AT ME when she climbs the coffee table for the 80th time. Or how Truman cries every time I put him down even though he is totally fine and just wants more attention. Or how Hudson has no interest in any toy until Sawyer starts playing with it.Or how when he pushes Truman down by shoving him with both hands IN THE FACE he immediately says “Mama, I’m a good monkey! I love you!” Seriously.

And adding to the cacophony of my adorable twins is big brother Hudson, who is at that stage where he is like “mommy. mommy. mommy. MAMA. MOMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMY!” and then you’re like “WHAT!?!?!?” and he goes “hi.” (Every time he does that I totally picture Stewie in that episode of Family Guy.)

I’m kinda laughing to myself as I write this because I am always so “rah rah! Motherhood!” and I bet people will be surprised that I have this much complaining but today was the day! I literally just need time to myself. My whole life is my kids and though I know I am a great mother and a strong mother- there comes a time for all of us when we struggle. And right now, besides all the other turmoil in my life, I am struggling to be a good mother to three toddlers who won’t let up for one second, ever. My sister-in-law suggested I take a personal day, but I think I need a personal week. And where can I put in for this time off…stat?

The good news is for all the complaining I just did- *I* feel better. I know that tomorrow will be just as challenging. My “three toddlers” is someone else’s “colicky newborn”. My “fearless climbers” are someone else’s “delayed development.” Even worse, my “I just want a fucking break” is someone else’s ” I just want to be a mom.” And there is truth in all those situations. I know we all struggle. I know that it will get better only to get worse and then better again. I guess at the end of the (incredibly long and painful) day, parenting is every bit the reward and the challenge I thought it would be. And though I want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction when my husband gets home, I find myself wanting to wake up my babies at 3AM just to say ‘I Love You.’

So I guess that counts for something.

Also, thanks to Melissa for this post . It is truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to read this week.

But in between the mundane we have been having a wonderful time. This past week we spent lots of time with family & friends. We played outside in our little blow-up pool and went to the park. We went to the mall (more than once) and target (obviously). We had Starbucks & I even got to spend an evening at Union Square shopping with Krust. We took Hudson to his first movie in the theatre. We built castles with legos and had crazy conversations that made me laugh because toddlerese is so insane sometimes. I realized how present Hudson is in conversation now- his memory is INSANE. I cannot tell him anything without him bringing it up later. We’ve read the same 8 books 800 times. Basically we are still alive and kicking. We are just enjoying our days (or not enjoying them, depending on the day!) and trying to make the best of everything.

Also today it is raining. In June (basically July). In California. So confused.

Today also held a few other gems. Little moments that tomorrow I will forget because they are so small in the scheme of things.

Like Me sitting on the couch this morning and realizing all three were in the hallway- pretty quiet. Then Hudson came in to the living room and grabbed a box of kleenex. Then went back. Then came back and said “Coco has stinky poopoo!” I of course thought the worst. I ran to the hallway and discovered Sawyer holding all 3 juice cups. Truman holding the Kleenex and Hudson attempting to pick up the dog’s accident with a piece of Kleenex. They were all huddled over the little rug that Coco always has accidents on (totally not accidents- she’ll do it 10 minutes after a 30 minute walk.) and they were working it out as a team. A hilarious needs-to-wash-their-hands-immediately team. So damn cute.

With 3 sick kids & a sick mama, I am feeling so run down. Hoping we kick this AND SOON. In the meantime we are drinking lots of juice and water and eating the heck out of some watermelon. Yum.

We bought this house with so much hope and in a way it feels like a death. We put our hard earned money into this place. We were happy. But we also thought our stellar way-more-than-you-think-it-should-cost investment would yield $100k in a year or two like was the norm at the time and we’d be in our forever home in a few short years. But here we are, still in one bedroom with 3 children and not only have we not made $100k- we’ve LOST $200k. And it’s sick. Just horrible. It makes me want to vomit.

I’ve been slowly telling the people who need to know whats been going on. There is so much embarrassment involved and it has been so hard to look people who believed in you in the face and tell them you failed. But luckily, it’s getting easier with each announcement. It’s getting easier to look forward. It’s easier to look at our budget and see at least a little room for a savings.

We’re losing so much & sometimes it is so hard not to think that we must have really had karma coming for us- but I know that we just made a series of bad decisions coupled with a series of situations out of our control. And we’ve arrived here. And we’re good people. And we’ll get through it. But it’s so very hard.

But Sawyer? She doesn’t take our problems lying down. Homegirl is down for a FIGHT.

I never followed much about the family or anything like that.

But as the hoopla over THE wedding got bigger, I have found myself getting EXCITED.

(I always planned to watch the wedding)

But now knowing it’s tonight- I’m just straight up stoked. I want to see how 70 million dollars translates into a wedding. I want to see a regular girl become a princess. Because that is what little girls want to be. And this one chick- out of SO MANY- is living the dream. I don’t begrudge her that. In fact- I will be watching thinking “GO’HEAD GIRL! GO’HEAD GET DOWNNNNN” -OK, maybe I won’t be singing Kanye. But Kate Middleton? She’s about to have the biggest wedding in decades. And me? I. LOVE. WEDDINGS.

It’s win/win.

I mean I understand it- because the stuff is cute cute cute.

Like this romper. That comes in Sawyer’s size but I can only find it in a size freaking 6. As in- for a 6 year old.

I’m sad.

Through a tunnel of mucus,
And onto a vault,
With tourists and traffic,
I just paced myself.

Not I as my whole self,
Just the half that I had,
Before greeting the rest,
Of my better half.

A connection was made,
Through the shared love of science,
And vows were taken,
A seat was hired.

A cavern of fluid,
Brought shape to my hide,
In the months that remain,
To the time of my life.

Add flash for the reason,
Was spilling from the crack,
To the palms of the doctor,
To a towel full of scraps.

My brains wouldn’t fit,
Through organ sex,
An incision was made,
With a scalpel and mess.

I should have noticed the beauty,
And not how it hurt,
Wet like a cherry,
In the bloodbath of birth.

-The Faint.